Loser, lost

My father's death was anticipated and I handled it well externally. I have not cried a lot but I guess I must be depressed. Also my son recently left to help his other set of grandparents who live in Arizona for 5 months while trying to figure out what he wants his next step to be. I think we were all so embroiled in my father's illness that he really just needed to get away and have a total change of scene. I don't do well being alone. I either eat too much or not enough. I don't feel like cooking for myself. I have a lot of renovations to do on my house and don't want to do anything. Of course I have a mood disorder and also people with borderline personality disorder don't do well at being alone. I'm also going back for the last semester of the LPN nursing program which isn't really something that I enjoy. I'm burned out on caregiving but am doing it to pull a better salary. What I really want to do is work with words! Everyone thinks that is stupid but it is what I love. I have gone through my life being a loser and a failure due to my mental sickness. It tires me to know that I will never be a winner.

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Tags: dad, feelings, illness, loneliness, mental, personal

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