Having a conversation with someone last week it seems no matter what, someone likely, maybe always, suffers in the physical from a death. You have on one extreme as mine, sudden and unexpected. We are the ones to suffer. You have those who are sick prior and by the time they pass, we are relieved they are no longer suffering as the quality of their life was no more. They are the ones to suffer. I don't know there is any scenario death causes no one physical suffering ...

I've had 3 people in the last week and half give me bullshit of what he would want. I'm getting pissed off and frustrated at the few that say idiotic things. It doesn't matter. What about me? What about what I want? Granted, what I ultimately want isn't possible. But to devalue my pain is insulting. And to devalue my pain is to say that what we shared meant nothing. He'd want me to be happy? Well then maybe he shouldn't of died. He wouldn't want anyone sitting around crying about his passing? Well obviously you didn't care for him in any realm like I did. Plus I am the one handed the mess leftover to deal with. Life is short and I'm supposed to live life to the fullest? Yea, fuck you. Who cares. Indeed now I hope it's short! If you're going to talk shit of something you know nothing about, least tell me something that addresses my pain. Tell me he's sorry he had to go. Tell me you're sure he misses me too. Tell me love is the one thing that never dies and he's still with me. I don't give a fuck about people's attempts to "mean well". I'd rather just not hear it at all. 

I don't know how I'll ever be okay with the fact he is gone. Don't know how I'll ever be okay with how everything played out. So maybe the best I can hope for is to be okay with how he went. I am so tired of this misery, let alone tired of this life. I do want to find some kind of rest in this nightmare. No clue how to get it. I don't know if that's the same as peace. 

To some degree I feel there is so much left to go before I'd be out of hell. I had someone tell me early on not to let this define me. How can it not?? I feel as though my life needs to look completely different than what it was before. And I don't mean something meaningless like "not taking life for granted anymore". Maybe that's why my fuck you response to living life to the fullest. To not let things go unsaid - okay that can apply. To get total control of my life and not allow anything to get so bogged down and stressful - sure. To take inventory of friends and eliminate those who only bring negativity to my life - absolutely. Very shortly after Gary's passing 2 were weeded out as I saw so clearly how they contributed nothing positive. All they did was take away energy and time that I could of put towards Gary, the one that truly mattered. But what I'm talking about is so much different than that. Whether it's what I do for work, my financial status, my lifestyle, who i associate with, my family, spiritual development, physical appearance - those kinds of facets. The only thing I have figured out so far is immediate family and my declining involvement. It's like I need my life to make a statement out of my pain. This concept is something in early stages and at least up until now has only been a fleeting thought I could never grasp. Getting too ahead of myself is frazzle and panic. But I am no longer the Rachel of the first 30+ years of my life. Feeling as though this line of thinking may be a middle overall phase to grief, if there is such a thing. First you are just dealing with the immediate effects and emotions of death - the frozen and defrost. Then it's to figure out what it all means for you.  

To say I am past the first (frozen and defrost) I've realized that is not at all true. I tried a hypnosis audio over the weekend I thought would relate to money and your dream life. At one point you were to think of a time in your life you had burning desire for something. All I could think of was how it was all on the horizon for Gary and I. Moving in together, having our place, and starting the rest of our lives together. Then later it was imagining a path with stairs in a wooded area. The only path I could see was my life of the last year. A path well treaded and worn to turn abruptly into a vast, plush spectacle of tall and thick trees. So unnatural and bizarre. Staring at these trees was the point I froze, the day Gary passed and everything obliterated ...