I have really been struggling since the year mark and still trying to figure out why. Not that such struggle is anything new in this nightmare but I am still trying to process it and it's like I have a block or something. I've heard for some the second year is harder because it all becomes real. I don't know if that is what's happening for me. Has anyone else felt this?

The depression is still ever present and seems the trigger to sink me lower comes more easily. I hate my life without him here. I am still so brokenly sad. I still feel like my life is over. "Us" was the majority of my life purpose - what we were going to learn and grow together that could only come with each other. I felt that so strongly. How do I find a purpose to replace that?? To be grateful for the time I had ... I'm still so sad over all that was lost. I still isolate myself from people and many, really all, things social. Why put myself through even more misery. The few things I have tried in the past few months I'm clearly not at a place I can do it.

At 14 months I still cry. I still miss him as much as I ever have and feel that will never go away. I may not even be at half my life. What a long, heavy, and cumbersome road I feel that will be to carry. I don't know if I'm up for it. People say the cliche life is short - I sure fucking hope so. I don't care as much about my health, not that I will let myself go, but definitely don't want to prolong my life and maybe, even hopefully, my not caring as much will shorten it.  

I've been going to a grief group (my 3rd I've tried) and feel I'm actually getting something out of this one. It's only 6 weeks long and I wish it wasn't ending. 

I still can't see the path ahead of me and I struggle to trust it's there. I don't know how to do this and am still in survival mode. Literally every plan revolved around "us". I cannot describe how obliterated my life has been.

There is more to say but I'm not coming up with the words. 

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Comment by Nina on May 22, 2016 at 8:41am
There is a place of calm a place that you can take your mind to rest. This pain is so profound it is so deep and so personally unique. I'm so, so sorry. I take what I've learned from my loved one and I listen to him speak to me. It's there it's in ones heart you just have to listen. There will never be an answer you will never hear what your heart thirst to hear. It is not meant for us to understand. That's why it is so unique so mysterious. I can relate on a level of pain the one our human heart can handle. Feels like I'm dying like I'm drowning alive. Like I've been forsaken. I'm sorry. I wish I had words. I understand, but only on a surface. Because this is your journey your unique realationship with your faith. Let me know if you ever want to chit chat. I hope today brings you blessings and peace.

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