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Comment by dream moon JO B on July 24, 2015 at 3:22pm

sorry fr yore loss

i feal lk im stuk on rolcostr u cud say on top of 1 coz of  so mush loss sisne 2012 aiane dad died in 2012 evry thng seam 2 go i dont wot 2 day u cud say juts so mush loss in 1 go 2012 thn 2013 loss 2014 loss 2015 loss its not slf pity its not iwz tld it wz slf pity get ovr it dnt no hw howw u get ovr loss dnt no hw u get over loss 

mums nt her slf coz she nt welll her slf coz of so mush loss few famly dnt get wot we gong thu thy dnt allwe get is stp fel sorry sorry sorry fr or selvs we dobt we not feeeln sorry fr ors elvs we not juts miss dad so mush pluss e 1 els on top bt 2012/2013 loss wz so mush in 1 go evn 2014 loss 2 mush evn 2015 2 mush

Comment by Diana Walker on July 24, 2015 at 8:47am

I feel like that. My mom passed away October 24, 2014 and every one else has moved on. But, it's still shocking and hurtful to me. I spent my days with her because she had Alzheimer's. She was my motivation and everything I do reminds me of her. She used to hug me as often as I asked and that's the most hurtful thing I miss. I asked someone else for a hug, explaining how I really missed them, and they just bought me something. I understand they don't hug, but it hurts. I, too, am coming up on the one year anniversary of my mother's death and it's hard.  The memories and the fact that I can't share any new ones with her is hard. Praying for you. I've been keeping busy,  too, but it doesn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. Bless you.

Comment by Fighting hard on July 24, 2015 at 6:52am

Thank you so much for sharing, and you are so right!  If she had to choose to stay or go I believe 100% she would have stayed.  I sometimes do not take care of myself well, and I am angry at her for not doing the same thing...

I have no one around me who understands what I am going through and I am thankful for that, it just makes it more difficult on the extra extra hard days.  I will try focusing on how much my Mom loves me and the great legacy she left behind instead of wishing so bad she was still here.  Baby steps.

Thanks again for sharing, your thoughts really do help!

Comment by morgan on July 23, 2015 at 10:24pm

I am so sorry that your pain is so searing.  I believe we all struggle with the guilt of the things we could of/ should have done.  I believe we all struggle with explaining in words how much the emotion of this death walk hurts.  And I do believe we all feel less like the person we were before the death of our loved one.  

You are not masking your hurt so much as your brain is not allowing you the full impact of the loss all at once although you might think that it couldn't be any worse but I think we all process death in a fog.  If it was any clearer I don't think any of us would live past the first day.  

Try to grapple with the hurt and the guilt and the loss of self by remembering how much your mom loved you and still does.  She isn't able to comfort you in the flesh but you do know she never quit caring for you.  It wasn't really her choice to go, even if she didn't make all the best choices, we all live our lives the best we know how.  There isn't any manual for it.   Even if there was, would we live by it?  

Try to find a little quiet in your mind.  Study something that helps you do that.  Sometimes I just look at the colors I see in the prisms of the diamond I wear and know that all of this is much more complex than I will ever understand.  It quiets the idea in my mind that I can know and figure it all out because I can't.  And that has to be ok.  I hope it will be for you too.