I know what you mean about the depression...so far I have made my primary care physician cry, my behavioural therapist, and brought tears to the eyes of my psychiatrist. When my primary care was not available I went to see another doctor and made her cry too. Just telling them why I was there is so hard and I could not do it without breaking down. Angela was adventurous but not a risk taker; her husband is an adrenaline junkie...fast cars, motorcycles, etc. They lived in Alaska, me in Texas. I can remember telling him face to face that I held him responsible for my daughter on his f****** toys!! It was on Memorial Day last year and I was outside watering the yard, my cell phone inside. When I came in I checked the caller ID and HIS name and number were there. He NEVER called me before. I was stunned, shocked, hysterical...it was a 4 wheeler she was on, she swerved (they don't know why), she flew over the handles and came down on the back of her head. Blunt force trauma to the head was the cause of death. She was not wearing a helmet and she ALWAYS promised me she would wear one. To this day I don't know what really happened as the investigation by the Alaska Troopers was very sloppy and incomplete.
If you have a myspace account I can add you as a friend so that you may read my blog.

Yes, I have been on Cymbalta for about a month now. I went to the doc when my mom became bedridden and after answering questions, she said I was clinically depressed. Go figure, huh? You think! No circumstances that would cause that, huh? Oh geez. I just don't know sometimes. Today has been ok, but the grief has kinda come in waves. How did you find out about your daughter? I can't imagine getting that call, bless your heart. Was she riding alone? My mom was the gutsy one of us two, I am scared of any and every kind of ride except for plane, car or cruise ship!

I am so sorry for the nightmare. To be honest I have had no nightmares since my daughter's death and I had no dreams (that I could recall) for about 3 months. I can tell you I have only had 3 dreams with my daughter in them. Are you taking anything to help you sleep? Any medication has the potential for interfering with sleep...even something you have been on for a while. It is the increased stress that can change the mechanism of a medication. Since her death I sleep just fine...it's the waking hours that are a nightmare for me.

Oh wow! That is what I keep waiting for...to hear from her. I had a BAD nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was sleeping and my husband woke me up and said my mom was on the phone, I looked at him and said stop being funny, my mom died and he said what are you talking about, you were having a bad dream, she's on the phone. For a brief second I had that feeling of sheer happiness that I had in my old life..I jumped out of bed in excitement and grabbed the phone and was crying and screaming "Mom," and no one was on the other end of the line. So I hung up and called back, my step dad answered and I asked for her and he said "Kirstine, you know she's dead". so hard. I miss her so much!

I just looked at all the photos you uploaded and they are ALL beautiful! I love the one at the lighthouse...so wonderfully classic. The love you and your mom share is so evident in your photos. Let me tell you this...everything having to do with your mom will feel like torture for a while. There are times I look at my daughter's photos or go to her facebook page and I just want to scream and beat my head against a wall. Some days are almost tranquil and others are just sheer hell. I don't tell you this to scare you but to let you know it is pretty much the norm. And when you least expect it she will communicate with you; my daughter sent me a message 10 days after her death. It was a bittersweet moment.
Belated bday wishes.
Take care, Kirstine.
Laura

I love the laundry room story. I am so glad you got that special time!! I started saving her messages back in July, I don't know why, my gut told me she was going to make it (I guess I just couldn't believe the stats), but another part of me said to save them. I am torturing myself with listening to them over and over again. She was everything to me...she walked me down the aisle on my wedding day and held my hand through the birth of both of my kids. She so badly wanted to be a grandmother to my kids and now they won't remember her except for what I tell them about her. I asked her to come to me in my dreams and tell me she was ok if she could, I am waiting for that. My bday is Dec.

What a beautiful song...thank you. You are blessed with a good, kind hearted husband. And talking about scents--a few months ago I bought a new washer and dryer and changed detergents. My laundry area is a very small confined space and as the washer started going the scent of the detergent was released. My heart stopped for a split second and I started to cry. I felt like I was standing in my daughter's laundry room. You are fortunate to have recordings of your mom's voice...I have none of my daughter's. Two weeks before her accident she called me (and left a voice message) to say she would be out of cell phone range and for me not to worry if she did not pick up (she lived in Alaska, me in Texas). She rarely left messages because I always picked up the phone. After I listened to the message I thought to myself "I should save it because I have no recording of her voice". I then told myself to quit being so morbid and I erased it. I have never told anyone about this...
Your birthday isn't in May is it?
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my messages.
Laura

ps-my mom's favorite verse in the bible was about being rooted and grounded...reminded me of what you said about your daughter! I don't know what I am supposed to do now either. How do I raise my kids w/out her advice? Who do I call when I need that sound wise advice? I heard a song today that comforted me, maybe it will comfort you....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Well my middle name is Angela :-) I have ziplocked things too b/c I know the smell will fade. We brought all of her clothes home last Saturday (she passed away on Friday), my step dad didn't want to keep her clothes so it worked out for me. When my husband brought all of her things in, I just laid down on all of her stuff and hugged it and cried and cried. It was like I was getting to hold her. My husband decided to give up his closet and we have a closet just for her stuff now, so I can go in anytime and the minute I open that door, I smell her and her sweet scent. I have 9 voice mails saved and torture myself by listening to them. I smell her, I can hear her, but she is not here :(

My daughter's name is Angela. And yes, there is absolutely nothing like the mother/daughter bond. Like you, I love my husband (her stepfather), but I am just so lost without her. She kept me young and invigorated. She kept me grounded. She gave me purpose...I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I have no other children and no grandchildren. I have stored some of her clothes in a large ziplock bag and when I need to feel her near me I unzip the bag and inhale...
Helping each other sounds nice...let me know how I might help you.
Sincerely, Laura

Thank you. You and I are on the opposite side of these nightmares. I am the 32 year old daughter missing my mom and you are the 54 year old mom missing your 33 year old daughter. There is nothing like a mother/daughter bond, is there? We were best friends and I wonder how I will go on w/out her in my life. She was everything to me. I love my husband, but I counted on my mom for so much. I just lay around crying and holding things that smell like her asking myself why I had to lose my mom at such a young age. I am so sorry about your daughter. Maybe we can help one another. Thanks for replying. My mom's name was Elaine. What was your daughter's?