I recently (2 months or so ago) went through a breakup of a relationship of almost 2 years, and I am really having a hard time dealing with some of it.
I know it's not as final as a death, but I am still grieving, and I feel like total crap.

I don't have a lot of time to go and see traditional counselors, and sometimes I even feel like they have NO CLUE about what's going on with me because they are educated and trained to give advice, but it makes me wonder if they have EVER gone through what I have been through, and am going through right now.

I've cried, I've denied, I've rationalized, and I am at the point now that I totally HATE the other person, and even though I was raised not to hate, I just cannot get over that emotion right now...
I fought it off for a long time, but I finally crossed the line into hatred the other night, and I told the person so.
While I am not completely innocent in some of the problems we had in our relationship, I have apologized and asked for forgiveness, and was "granted" the forgiveness of the other party, but then I totally feel terrible for hating him.

It's confusing to an extent though, because while I really feel right now that I hate him, I also still care a little about him, and I guess I am just frustrated because he hasn't asked me for forgiveness, and in fact, even puts all of the blame on me, when it is not ALL my fault.
So I'm terribly frustrated that this person refuses to apologize for the lies and hurt that he bestowed on me, and continues to play the victim in all of this, while in turn playing mind games with me. One minute he wants me, the next he doesn't, one minute he will be all touchy feely, and the next he backs away from me, and God forbid I try to touch him, or tell him how I feel about it, because then I'M the "bad guy"...

My family has been somewhat of a support system, and for a little while, mutual friends of mine and the ex's have been kind of a support system, but after the other night of me basically telling the ex to screw off and leave me alone once and for all, the mutual friends seem to not be talking to me anymore.
Family is great, but they keep telling me that I just need to let it go, and as much as I want to, I feel sometimes like I can't!
The mutual friends...well, it's hard to explain, but part of my thinking with them is because they have known him longer, and while they get frustrated with him for the downright stupid things he does, and the lack of responsibility he shows, I really feel they are taking his side, because I know for a fact that he has sat in their home and called me psycho and other things, and I was not there to defend myself.

I'm just...I dunno.
I'm so tired of feeling crappy for something that is totally not my fault, and I know I shouldn't give him that indirect power, but it's so hard to know that while I have been wrong in some things, he is not the innocent little angel either.

UGH!
I'm tired of calling my employers Employee Assistance Program, because when I get really sad and lonely is late at night, and I have had the luck of talking with the same person the last few nights or so.
And I think, at times, that I am doing fine, and then I have a set back and am sent back into the depression, anger and crying that seem to take over late at night when I can't sleep.

I don't want this to control me. I don't want to end up going nuts. I want to heal from this so that my next relationship isn't as CRAPPY as this last one was, but I'm so so scared that no matter what I do, it will end up the same, and I will be going through this again....