I have been doing some biofeedback. The software program the University has is very nice. Friday I was listening to a meditation type portion to release physical tension. The recording said, "Everything is absolutely okay right now." I felt a chord get struck immediately and probably within 30 seconds I had tears falling down my checks. No. NO, everything is NOT absolutely okay. This wasn't a shocking revelation to me as I've been saying that all this time but I don't know that I've really thought about it recently. However, I don't know that it will ever be. I may integrate the loss and figure out a crippled way to put myself back together but there will be nothing good about losing this magnitude and depth of my life. Oh but it makes you value people more now or realize how important to live every moment to the fullest, some may say. Horseshit. Who the fuck cares. I'm just killing time until I die and hopefully somewhere I can find something to do to make it tolerable. Maybe even something I can feel good about (I know - that's a long shot).     

The 10th of this month was the 8 month mark. Grief is full of so many damn oxymorons I want to scream. Or just shoot myself in the head and be fucking done with it. This has been the worst hell and it feels like it's been my life. I can't remember anything before it. I'm beginning to feel like this is all I know. But 8 months, that's it?? I haven't even come on my birthday yet, his birthday, the death anniversary, and months later the burial anniversary. I'm not even in the second year which I feel could be like a reopening of this horrific wound. I'll remember what I was doing the year prior and why based on how life was the year before that. I've just now, in the last month and half, felt a slight coming down from the distant planet. Shock with an unhuman degree of pain and now debilitating depression. My cat has been with me at my apartment the last 6 weeks. I seriously would not be handling life without her here. I don't know how I could ever be in another relationship when I know this is the kind of hell I would have to look forward to.    

I've had someone call this life crashing down. If it were only that easy. A crash would imply pieces left over to put it back together, even if only to make sense of it. My life and myself was obliterated. Nothing left. No pieces to put back together. I can't make sense of the green leaf that fell in the prime of summer, after a nourishing rain, and wasn't ready to go. He wasn't sick. A silent sick doesn't count. A silent sick is a sneaky, vindictive, evil card of life. It should not even be possible.

I've had someone call this a curve ball. I've had those. This was no curve ball. This was an atomic bomb. 

I've still been processing my reading from 2 1/2 weeks ago. True, it's hard for me to put the almighty stamp on it, including on my other experiences that I struggle to explain any other way. But, there were things said that pop back in my head as they have touched me deeply. Things I've cried over, grieved over. Or things that would be virtually impossible for the medium to guess or know. And I'm not going to say I've found peace or healing. But I do feel the violent, all encompassing, enraging storm above me that includes every force of nature has been taken down a notch. There is a slight calmness, slight serenity that has come about on it's own. I do feel something more of a connection to him. I'm still processing. The verdict is still out mind you and I plan for a second reading at some point. But taking everything into account to date, experiences and all, it almost seems easier to believe it's him than to be skeptical when before the hard reverse was true.