"Welcome to the group. I lost my partner on February 5th this year, so it's still pretty raw for me too. Reading through your story really touched a chord with me. Like you, I didn't think I would ever find a group like…"
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Lost my soulmate
I was actually engaged to be married 10 years ago and Valentines Day would have been our 10th year anniversary. At the time that I was engaged to Danny I had a son from my 1st marriage who was 11 at the time and has a learning disability. I blame myself because I thought just because Danny was a man he would know what to do with my son even though he had no kids of his own. We fought over discipline. I never wanted to come down hard on my son because of previous domestic violence due to his dad. At the time I never thought of going to counseling or taking parenting classes . I thought I knew what was best when it came to my son at the time.
I ended up breaking off the engagement 2 weeks before the wedding. My son and I moved out. I went back to Danny to help him when he had a surgery for Melanoma cancer. I tried working it out but it just didn't as much as we loved each other. I had gone on with my life and remarried in June of 07 and was divorced by 09. My son had grown and graduated by then so I started looking for Danny wanting to see how he was and if we could try again because I never stopped loving him. I tried for 2 years searching the internet, looking in the white pages, going past our condo but never knocking on the door. I finally found his sister on a social website I use.
For some reason she thought I already knew. She told me Danny passed away in January of 06. (this was 2 weeks ago I found out) She told me the last thing Danny said was that he loved me and always will and my son. I came unglued I cried for 2 hours to the point I couldn't breathe. I got sick to my stomach. I am not sleeping well at night. I cry at anything and everything.
I wanted a chance to make things right between. To say sorry for not having faith in us as a couple. I wanted most of all to be with him and tell him I still love him and will for the rest of my life. When I went to the cemetery with his sister I almost fainted. It wasn't supposed to end like this. I would have much rather made it work and gone to counseling or whatever we needed to do than have gone through a 2nd marriage to a hateful man who knew nothing about love. I will never get my 2nd chance with Danny.
Even though I am techincally not a widow because we never married and weren't together when he passed I don't know where I fit in. I have had family and friends pass away. I have never had a man that I love as a husband pass away. Even though he passed away 5 years ago for me it was 2 weeks ago because all this time I thought he was alive. The simple thought of ever loving another man or even being intimate makes my stomach sick. I don't know how to say goodbye or how to move on. I feel frozen. Address In The Stars
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Comment
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Comment by jude colangelo on February 24, 2011 at 2:49pm
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Oh Tina, my heart goes out to you. I know the place you're in, I live there too, sometimes. Breathe. Slowly. Be gentle with yourself. Take it minute by minute. Thinking of you. ♥
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Comment by Tina Marie on February 24, 2011 at 2:45pm
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Very very bad day today. I was ok on the morning then just got worse as the day went on. endless crying. Of course I give my son hugs and I am ok with that. But I can't even tolerate my men friends who I have known for 10 years holding me . I can't do this . I am not going to do anything stupid because I love my son, family, and friends. I just meant I can't handle the pain. its bad when you are crying so hard and can't catch your breath.
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Oh yes, I get the crying spells. Yesterday was a "better" day. I work in a school, so am on vacation. I decided to go to the beach and collect shells and sea glass, which is something we did together. then I went to the mall and shopped a little. It was absolutely exhausting, but I made it through. I even had some almost happy moments. then suddenly, without warning, the weight of it all came crashing down, and I cried for about three minutes straight. I mean wailed. Then I was able to breathe and start over. I'm very blessed that I am a Christian and find a lot of peace spending time in God's word. But there are times that isn't an option, and times I just want to yell at God.
You are in different places, but I'm sure his sister understands. Take one minute at a time. ♥
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Thank you for that. I know his sister and her and her boys still love my son and I . Her boys still call me Aunt Tina after all this time. The thing is I don't want to bother her. For her this happened 5 years ago.. for me 2 weeks ago. We are in a different place. Do you get the crying spells as well ? I don't know what else to call them.
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It's far too early for that. You are still in a relationship with Danny in your heart. Even though he has been gone for 5 years, he has only just left in your mind. You need to make peace with a future without Danny before you can even consider being with anyone else.
I understand about the "where to fit" part. My boyfriend had asked me to marry him, but it wasn't official. I didn't know his family. They were wonderful, but I was/am an outsider.
Hang on and hang in there. I know how alone you feel, so do I. But I will root for you and pray for you. Be strong when you can, and let it out when you can't. If you believe, give it to God. And I mean give it to Him. he's big and He can take it.
Hang on, my friend. You are worth it. ♥
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I tried writting a letter. I wrote a poem and posted that in my blog. It helped a liitle. I cry myself to sleep begging for him to hold me. He always made me feel protected. I just am emotionally exhausted. I actually met a man who wants to be be with me but the idea of that just makes me feel sick. I really don't know if I will ever be able to give myself to someone like that again.
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What a loss for you. Probably the most difficult thing is the lack of resolution, isn't it? we are left with all these things we need to say, and the person isn't there to say them to. Sometimes it feels like we'll go mad ...
Have you tried writing him a letter? Journaling? I know it helps me to "put it" some where.
I'll be thinking of you.♥
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Comment by Sherri Cremer on February 21, 2011 at 7:29am
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I listen to Address in the Stars. Says a lot doesn't it? I am sorry for your loss. Don't have to be a widow to feel that way. I lost people before and this one hit me really hard. My relationship was a long distance relationship through skype. We never met in person. But we had plans and dreams to be together this year. He was my best friend and understood me and supported me. Something about him was different then the rest. Hang in there, I am trying. xx
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