I lost my Mum on 8th Nov 2015, she was my 3 in 1, my Mum, My Best Friend and the child I wouldnever have. I'm 43 and I in away gave up my life to look after my Mum (and Dad).  My Mum had MS from a very early I was to help with washing, ironing and making the tea.  So it was the life I knew. I always said I would be worth a watching when anything happened to either of my folks.  In 2013, we were called for ironically on the 8th November Mum had taken a really bad pnemonia attack and they didn't think she would make it we were to expect the worst.  But like so many times before around the 18th Dec she came back to us, don't get me wrong going in to see her with all those tubes and masks it was hard, damn hard to do but I wouldn't have it any other way.  One really bad day both Dad and I had said to the Staff Nurse on Duty (her name was Julie and she was a gem) that you woulnd't let a dog suffer like this.  The next again day it was like a miracle had happened over night, we are church goers and had done lots of praying but she was at least able to talk it took weeks but she got home again on the 5th Jan 2014.  Mum and Dad got to celebrate their 50th Wedding anniversary later that year and it was great.  Start of 2015 was ok by the time we go to May it was obvious Mums Kidneys were failing and fast in and out of hospital all the time speaking of dialysis - mum didn't want any more tubes she would say this to me when were alone, already had the invasion of a supra-pubic cathetar, local nurses were complete gems as they were in nearly every two days as the sores started to appear on her body (Mum hadn't been able to weight bare for almost 5years).  October 5th Dad and I had to deal with the fact that the Doctor that came out wanted Mum back in hospital - since the previous time the nurses had been horrendous leaving her in her own mess making the sores worse, it was nothing something we did lightly by agreeing for her to go back in.  You knew thou you knew that letting her leave the house that day she wasn't going to get back out.  That weekend the Doc took my Dad and I aside and said that Mum was very weak and gravely ill we should prepare ourselves, but since in 2013 she had proved the Docs wrong - she did it again she fought back so bravely done every time, I just wish part of her strength would come through to me now as I am struggling.  She did pull round that weekend but the life had went from her as the weeks went on she hung on for my Cousins wedding and my Dads birthday was the 6th (she was concious when he was in) however not when I went in later, my beautiful mum was never going to come back from this.  I left in the late hours and got a call to come back in on the 7th, that was horrendous all tubes medication had been removed and it was the laboured breathing I was alone with mum as I stayed closest to hospital before my Dad, Brother and Aunt came in, I promised her I'd look after Dad it was breaking my heart watching her like that.  in the early hours of 8th November it was myself and my brother that was there I was holding her hand and she quite clearly was grasping for the hands of the loved ones who had went before her - and the last thing I said was Mum go - go and be able to dance and be out of pain, she took her last breathe after that - my Brother looked at me and went shes away and left the room.  Its what I said that is breaking my heart now it was almost like I was giving up on her, I wasn't I just wanted all the years of pain she had bore so well to end for her but it doesn't stop me from beating myself up.  I sure am typing this and sobbing at the same time.  I am over in Scotland and I know most of you are over the "wee pond" so are no doubt in bed was hoping saying it might help as I am struggling.  I have a wee Robin that follows me about everywhere and as I sit in my kitchen typing this - there is is sitting at my bird feeder watching me.  I take great comfort from it and do think its Mum...............but what I'd give to have her back, she wasn't able to go and do things with me cause of the disablilty but she was the best listener and advice giver anyone could every wish for - I miss you Mum, Mothering sunday is fast looming in over here and I am dreading it don't want to go to the shops.  Mums favourite song after she got diagnosed with MS was Lena Martell "One day at at time"  its what she went out the church too and its how I am having to teach myself to live again.  trying to be strong for my Dad all the time is exhausting, my Brother is leaving me to it, just means Dad leans even heavier onto me for someone to talk too - hes able bodied and doesn't need physical help just needs people to talk too.  I live in constant fear of anything happening to him, meaning I don't want to do anything or go to far away so I can be there for him.  But if I continue like that up I'd be as well away too..........thanks for listening xx