I have been thinking a lot recently about the years before I lost my Momma Rose and my wife Jami.  

Can recall feeling very lucky for quite a few years that nothing big has happened yet to anyone in my immediate family.

My life was caught up just like everyone else's.  Getting the kids up and ready for school, getting to work, shopping, getting paid, paying bills, going broke, working out, calling Jami from work, getting back home, talking to the squirrels (when my wife was mad at me), talking to our dogs (when my mom was mad at me), visiting our parents, doctor visits, getting groceries, getting paid again, going broke again, school teacher/parent conferences, housework, kids homework,getting time out alone with the wife, a little dinner, a little dancing, back home to bed, back up and starting all over again.  All of that fun stuff!!  Keeps us all young.  Not too sure about that now,  I went totally bald, I went from brown to grey to pink.  

Back to my point though.  I had Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents passing away like crazy, but parents, brothers and their families, nephews,  nieces, my wife and kids, all just fine.  Then Christmas came, all okay.  December 30th 2010, Momma Rose passed away.  Then April 1, 2011 (that's right..April Fools Day) Jami my wife passed away!  It is reality to me now, not so much a nightmare.  I have awoken from the nightmare and it is now a cold reality.  Still a bad dream feeling, but I'm awake now.  Not a very happy awakening either, but more tolerable.

I feel my wife and my mothers help, and I believe the biggest reason for that is that I am helping myself. 

That must make them happy, wherever they are, maybe they're here, or maybe they just were, or maybe they'll be back!  I think my mom wants me to bake her Sicilian Biscotti cookies, or maybe my wife wants to eat most of them like she always did.

Have had many dreams and signs of them both.  These dreams have stuck with me since I woke up, and the feeling of actually being with them, the sensation, has never left my memory.  But I did have to write them down because in time I am sure they could fade away. 

I won't go into any of my coping ways on this blog, but I will say this. 

My firm belief is that our pain and suffering is the path we must take before we learn to feel better. It's not just getting to feel better, it's learning to feel better.  Of course we have to suffer with the process of Grief.  But all of the pain is for a reason.  There is a huge lesson here.  Grief is the most complex and unbearable levels of emotion that this life can and will smack us all in the face with one day.  That is the reason for all of our pain, the unbearable grief from losing the one(s) we love so much.

I have asked myself several times over, if this happens to everyone that is alive on the earth, why was I feeling so alone, so isolated, and so crushed?  Wasn't getting any support from my immediate family.  I took that pretty hard for quite a long time, but it must be that people (including brothers, etc) they just don't know how to be or what to say or how to approach you.  Plus, my brothers are still grieving over the loss of our mother.  Luckily for them, they still have their wives to share their grief with.  But I am very hurt that neither them or their wives call to inquire how my 7 yr old son and 14 yr old daughter are doing.  Oh well, that must be their way of coping with their grieving. 

Am definitely not through the grief cycle but I do feel acceptance rising like the sun.  To tell you the truth, I still have some issues but I am feeling so much more at peace and maybe just a few ounces of happiness also.

We often hear the trivial sayings, things like "they don't want us to be this way", "you have to move on", she wouldn't want you to be miserable, they're watching over us, they're in a better place, etc, etc.

Many people have come out on top of grief, rather than live their whole lives in it, and most likely never all the way healed, but find it easier to live with and cope with..

Personally, I don't think the grief completely ever goes away, but in time we adjust and tolerate our loss or losses better, and that day comes for us in time.

We have pain in our grief.  The one's we have lost we say are at peace now.   Meanwhile we're all here suffering, struggling and fighting to survive. And our loved ones suffering pain and struggles are over with.  They don't have those worries anymore.  It's not because they have died, it's because they have no need for what they were stuck with while they were here, feelings, emotions, pain, expectations, choices, standards, etc.

Pain.and..Peace.......Those two words rattle around in my head quite a bit.

Pain ... physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc. 2. a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain. 3. mental or emotional suffering ...

Peace ...   a state of tranquillity or quiet

You know the old saying, that things have to get worse before they get better. We have to endure the pain that our mind, heart, and bodies receive and react to from our grief in order to find peace.  Some of us may not find peace until we pass away. And that's okay.  Think about it.  We all have to finish our lives here!  There is relief at the end, when we're at peace! 

Just like we say, "well, he or she's at peace now".  They are done and have finished their paths here. They had a good life.  No more pain, no more struggles, stress, trials.  

And here we all are, here to comfort each other, living with pain,battling our struggles with Grief.

Even the media reflects our personal pain with their ads: .No pain no gain, Just do it,  Take Aim against cavities, No bottles to break just hearts, What's in your wallet, power to hit pain where it hurts,  take it for pain, take it for life.

I can almost hear my Jami and Mom saying their slogans, "Fly the friendly skies, Taste the rainbow, I can't seem to forget you your Windsong stays on my mind, Fluffy Not Stuffy.

Don't you believe for one minute that your grief is always going to be so heavy, I will guarantee you that it will not always be at the worst that you feel now.  I have a long ways to go but have found healing coming on strong and it comes from understanding, a very deep understanding and belief that my wife and mom have no more pain, and when you have no more pain, there sure has to be a great big happy feeling there, wherever they are.  And it helps you to continue to feel less sad and eventually a little happy if you keep reminding yourself that they lost their feeling for pain. They have visited me before, in dreams, and with many signs.

In my dream, Jami held me, hugged me, kissed me, and spoke the words, "I love you and Nicki and everything will be okay, I got to come here for a short time"  Then boom, thunder outside, I woke up, hail hitting the bedroom window. One of my legs was moving to get out of bed to go through the house to look for her.  Still smelling her perfume that I smelled in the dream (visit)  She was so glowy, translucent, not floating in the air, but laying beside me in bed, very white lit face, snowy shiney white type of gown, fluttery, flowing.  She had sort of a handsock puppet and was pointing at the eyes and saying something about, "See, it's me, you can make it look like me" Maybe because the way I was really checking out her face, she could detect that I was having trouble identifying her, and I remember feeling that I was having trouble making out her face, that it really looked like her, was sure it was her, hoping she wouldn't notice that I was having trouble recognizing her. This was the night that I moved her urn to the bedroom to be with me, it was within the first month after her funeral that I had this experience/visit/contact.  It wasn't just a dream at all.  You know how when you have a nightmare, that when you are waking up you are slowly relieved that it was just a dream.  In this one, I was slowly waking up, and felt a brief sense of disappointment in realizing that she still passed away, but instantly a high enlightened and relieved feeling, and I still have that today.  Haven't been the same ever since. I was talking to her like crazy since she passed away.  Many believe that if you talk verbally out loud to them they will stop by, and if I have to say so myself, they are right!!!  It was so much better than any sip of worlds greatest coffee, banana cream pie, or any other of life's simple pleasures that I have ever dreamed of experiencing. These are called ADC's,  After Death Communications.  I call them ASH's, Am Still Here!

The experiences, the feelings, the overall buzz that I will always have from the dreams and signs, I have to interpret them as messages, visits or little stops to say hello and to confirm to me that they are at peace, that they are happy, and still very much with us.  There's no more pain for them, and I feel so happy in believing and really knowing and understanding that.  And if anyone wants to believe that when you die, that is all there is, just one big blank-out, that's fine, that is your belief.  I am definitely not preaching anything here other than my experience, my beliefs, while not saying anyone else's beliefs are false beliefs.  Not at all.  Dreams are free, that's how I see it, at least they still are, but they may be taxed some day.   

They don';t want us to feel pain, but want us to learn from our grief and move on, while still remembering, celebrating, and loving them.  It will be hard to do but we can do it!  That is all that we can do, and we know that we must!  It's the grief and trauma that is blocking us from seeing our ability to calm down and see other means.  We are back in the classroom of life.  Learning a new life. Re-learning a new life. When the grief and or trauma wears thin, then we are more perceptive to experiences.  This is where the peace and acceptance shines on us.

Jami and my mother had so much physical pain and emotional pain while they were here with us.  I have to be happy that they can't feel that anymore.  They finished their time here, and now have freedom from the pain and that makes me very happy.  I know I can't hug them, touch them, or talk to them and get an answer in conversation anymore, but I feel them by talking to them everyday and thanking them, praying for them, joking with them, telling them about funny things we did together.  It keeps them with us because they are inside of our hearts.  They were part of our lives and just because they pass away doesn't necessarily mean that the loving part of them comes to an end.  They're no longer here with a beating heart, but that makes me think of the old saying, that the heart has a mind of it's own.

Like I said, when we say that "they are at peace now", we still have our lives to go through, to experience the pain of our loss before we reach that level of peace .  There is no more suffering for them and that makes me happy too!

And I still have days where I feel pain, honest I do.  Maybe I am having 'good grief' and maybe it won't last, but it sure feels pretty good for now.

Well, I have to put my fingers to bed now!  

Remember them as happily as you can and they will appreciate that much, much more!!

Think of them, talk to them, tell them you love them, joke with them, and pray for them.  We all talk in our sleep don't we?  Ever wonder who we are talking to at those times?  Sure makes me wonder!!

The sun will be up again in the morning, and if it's covered with clouds....don't worry, it's still there.

I see a rainbow around the moon tonight!  

We're not here for a long time we're here for a good time  So bring on the sunshine, to heck with the red wine, pour me some moonshine!!  (that was not a rap song!!)

Love,

MIchael 

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