Difficult Times

For those who don't know me, my name is Adam. My mother died seven months ago after fighting breast and bone cancer for ten years. I took care of her for most of that time and when she passed it took a deep emotional toll on me as well as my marriage and school efforts. During the time I was caring for her I was trying to attend nursing school and wasn't able to focus well and ended up failing the program. I became very cold and distant and ceased to care for myself or my marriage as I should have. While my marriage is on the mend my emotions are not. I struggle every day with the loss of my mother and am not sure when or if these feelings of loss and lonliness will pass. Less than two months ago my grandfather passed away at 94 from Alzheimer's. Now I find out my father has prostate cancer. Two months after my mother passed my father remarried to the housekeeper and I had to find out from friends of my mother instead of my father. When my mother passed I was angry, when my father got remarried I was angry, when my grandfather passed I was angry. Now I find myself consumed by anger. My soul hurts from loss and lonliness and anger. I am now in the police academy which is 11 hours each week day and I work a full time job while my wife is two hours away working in a new town starting a new life for us. I sleep little since my mother passed and am near exhaustion and have 15 weeks left until graduation. I can only get out of bed every morning out of sheer will and I hope I have enough of that to make the days ahead. For those of you who pray I would appreciate it if you would think of me when you do because I don't know if God is hearing me anymore. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated as well.

Adam Carr

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Comment by Adam Carr on January 29, 2012 at 8:59pm

Anna, I was almost finished with nursing school and we discussed the stages of grieving there in depth; however, I am sure we can all say that when you are in something like we have all experienced clear scientific thought is hard to come by. I know things will eventually get better but since all this has happened I find myself waiting for the next shoe to drop. I want to let go of the anger so much, it is not in my nature to be angry, which makes this all that much worse to feel something so foreign. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your losses as well.

Sandy, thank you for your encouragement and your prayers. And thank you for telling me my mother would be proud of me, it means a great deal to me. I am sorry for your losses as well.

Comment by Sandy Christian on January 29, 2012 at 4:18pm

I am so sorry for your loss and I do pray for you. God is always there with us, sometimes we just don't see it. It is in the little things that somehow keep us going everyday. I too lost my mother after caring for her for 2 1/2 years during her illness. Loss takes a piece of our hearts with them. I also lost my husband of 30 years a month ago. I don't know if I can go on without him. But my faith in God is getting me through each day. Yours will too. Please don't stop trying, remember the good times with her and keep praying. My thoughts are with you. She would be proud of you.

 

Comment by anna l. on January 28, 2012 at 10:36pm

Adam I am sorry for all the losses in your life.  It hasnt been easy.  Have you done any reading on the stages of grief?  If you havent it would be a good idea to do so.  Anger is right at the top of the list, whether or not there is any reason to be angry, anger will be there.  It is as normal an emotion as anything else right now.  My son and then my husband died in the past 2 years and boy I know anger!  I have to just live with it, try to deal with it as honestly and safely as possible but it is there daily.  Im really glad to read you and your wife are on the mend.  All too often our other relationships break apart in the face of intense grief.  Please try not to let that happen. 

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that the next 15 weeks go well and you graduate and are able to join your wife to build together your new life. 

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