Today is different for me and yet it isn’t. During the night when I woke, I could feel sadness though it didn’t seem to be a focused sadness. It was just there. And then I ended up having what I think was something like a panic attack. We were prescribed a very weak dose of an antianxiety med by our doctor so I took one of those and was able to sleep at last!

But in a way, I just put off what I was feeling and so today is again a sad day. My son didn’t choose to finish his life in his bedroom and for the first time I spent some time in there, sorting through things. I realized that I was again looking for those answers that we can never know.

At times grief feels like an obsession that I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try. An addiction trying to take me over completely. But I won’t let it. I won’t give in to my negative emotions because there’s no strength there.

And so I go forth on this day, purposefully looking to find that single flower lurking under a bush or looking for all the love that I know is there. Today is an empty canvas. It’s up to me how I paint that canvas through my actions but still, I was already set back because of the emotions I woke up with.

So today, slowly and carefully I will be as gentle to myself as I can be. I will try my hardest to smile. To see the comedy in those things that are funny and to add some new and precious colors to my canvas.

That will work for today. Tomorrow, I’ll have to start a new one . . .

I wish you peace,


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