My dearest Devan....

I miss you.  I say these words over and over in my head. Three little words that hold every emotion in my heart. I need you. I don't want you to be gone....my mind will not rest. I think of all the wonderful memories of you. I remember the good and bad times we shared as Mother and Daughter and I feel the loss of you so intensely in these moments...these moments I should feel joy of having you in my life...these moments of knowing how blessed I was to be your…

There just isn't much hope among these pages. 

When I went through this with my husbands passing I had a breakdown. The one thought that terrified me was that I would not be strong enough to do this again. (My husbands death was the first trauma I could not bounce back from...not the first one I've endured) I was right. Everyone around me tells me how strong I am but it is all a facade. I keep looking every day for a reason, an answer, just a straw of the value of living through and…

Everyone has moved on...It is only I now who still feels the way I did the day I lost her. I could see it coming. There is no one left to talk to about how I truly feel. The negative darkness within, the deep sorrow, the silent sobbing, the blinding pain is no longer to be shared. I went to a therapist. I don't think it will work out for me. I have this need for the ones i talk to about private issues to care for me. I am not implying that the therapist is uncaring...it just isn't the same.…

My child, my child I miss you

This anguish I cannot bear