Right now I have no other words that to say other than I miss you. Everything just keeps going wrong this year. I could really use one of your extra strong hugs right now. Watch over my cousin in the hospital. I could couldn't stand another loss. I love you Nick.

I had a dream about Nick again last night but I know that this time it wasn't a visitation dream. I dreamt that I was at a hospital and that Nicks parents were there and they wouldn't let me see him. That they were asking me what I was doing there, and telling me to leave. So I spoke to Nick through the curtains and I told him that I was there and I loved him and he responded to her parents that I was there because I was there for him when he didn't ask me to be there and I was the only…

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5/15/15: I went to bed. I missed Nick so much. A friend of mine wanted to go out but I just couldn't that day. It was a Friday night. I dint have it in me. So I put on Nicks shirt and grabbed his sheet that his sister gave him when he was 18. I didn't cover myself up with it and just held it and I fell asleep.

Then I had the most amazing dream I have ever had. The hills were so beautiful and green. It was crowded with people. I was walking along when I saw Nick. He was talking to a…

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5/9/15: I woke up extremely early today to drive to my sons tournament. I grabbed Nicks necklace from where I put it every night on his picture frame. Packed the car and continued on to our two hour drive. Half way through the trip my son asked me to stop to use the restroom. I stopped at as gas station and as I usually do I was playing with Nicks necklace around my neck as I thought about him. My son came out and we continued with the trip.



20 minutes later as I was driving I went… Continue

I have never really liked to talk about it and I have never certainly wrote about it but my very first big loss was my sister. Her name was Claudia. Claudia was the youngest of 3. I was the oldest. She was energetic and very loving.

Claudia was only 4 years old when she passed away. I was 10 years old. The last memory I have of my sister is her having a seizure in our dads arms. Then the paramedics arrived to our house. They said her temperature was at 200 degrees. She was taken to…

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4/25/15: Finally I dreamt of Nick! I didn't want to wake up. I saw him, he was smiling. He looked happy. We were talking but just like the conversation we had the last time I saw him I cant remember what we talked about. Even though I have tried to think over and over about what we said to each other the last time we saw each other I cant remember and it hurts not to remember.

Just like in real life all I could do was focus on your eyes and your smile but I cant remember what you were…

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At Nicks memorial on March 20, 2015 Nicks mother told a beautiful story. She said that when they were cleaning out his apartment his brother showed her a necklace that Nick…

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The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two. One side was filled with the memories that other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep, and I take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain, you see life has gone on without you, but it will never be the same.

There's…

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I feel so lost. I don't know how to stop the pain of not having you here. I couldn't stop thinking of Nick today. Which meant I broke down many times. Not even work or soccer practice seemed to keep my mind busy. I feel so alone. I was always the girl that loved to get up every morning and look my best. Now I feel like doing my makeup is a drag. My son noticed he said "Mom I liked it when you do your hair and makeup. You look pretty".



I was a regular at the place where Nick worked… Continue

This has been by far the hardest month. There are days when I think how am I going to get through this and then I have the better days where I only cry in the shower or I cry myself to sleep. I was so terrified of April 12 coming up because it would be one month since Nick has been gone. I kept as busy as possible but it was still at my mind all day. At one point I even thought I saw…

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I was driving the kids to school today and they were looking at a Guinness world records book I had in my car. Its an old one from 2003. My daughter asked me "Mom is that Nick's book" and I responded "No why" she said "Well because on the inside it say's Happy Birthday Nick" I couldn't believe it. This was just a random book that I bought at the thrift store after Nick passed away that…

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4/8/15: Today is 4 weeks that Nick was found and that he has been gone. I have been begging him to come to one of my dreams so I could see him. It hasn't happened. I dream things about Nick but not OF Nick himself. I know that Nick was very shy. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. But I know that he has been sending me signs in my dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was looking through pictures and they were all of Nick. Pictures I had never seen before. I could see your…

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April 7, 2015: I had decided to put Nick's necklace on my rearview mirror as my daughter suggested so he would always be with me. Before that I had been wearing it. Its once of those necklaces that you have to screw on and screw off when you put it on or take it off. On the morning of April 7 the necklace fell from my mirror in my car. I figured it had just unhooked so it had fallen off. When I picked it up it was still hooked together. The necklace is kinda small so it has to be unscrewed…

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