I'm so exhausted. I feel like that's all I ever say anymore. Just wiped out. I don't want to take care of my house, or the bills, or the laundry, or take my kids to their appts, or try to keep up appearances so that others aren't put out. I want some time to absorb and digest this. To freak the hell out without scaring my other kids. I'm tired of my husband staring at me or being rude to me b/c I'm not "acting like I'm happy". He's always watching me, he's either angry b/c I've got my game…

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I am so pissed off. I went all the way down to the courthouse today *45 minutes away* b/c there was supposed to be a hearing for the boy who procured the alcohol for my nephew and son. But when I got there it had been postponed, and they had made that decision 4 days ago. When I asked why I wasn't informed, I was told that as I wasn't a subpeoned witness they weren't obligated to tell me when pre-trial motions are changed, postponed or the like. It infuriated me. I spent the last 2 days and… Continue

I am lonely for you, for your laughter and the music of your life

the painted days of of summer have moved on and left you behind

soon there will be a change in the seasons and I am scared

I cry as if I'm going to split and your loss is as though I've had an amputation

 

The phantom of memories I ache to touch but there is nothing

I lay across my bed and weep my tears into my arms

where as a baby I rocked you in them and comforted…

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I believe there are no words to explain what your death has done to me

and how it's altered my life in one fell swoop, changing everything

taking everything I ever knew and trusted and shattering it to the cement

all of my reason and understanding scattered under the immovable parts of reality

 

I once believed and even knew each day I'd waken to all of my children

laughing, speaking, yelling, screaming, crying, hoping, dreaming

at one time I…

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I haven't been on much, it gets to be overwhelming along with everything else. I think about writing and I'm exhausted...but I need to. Just for a minute. I am tired of feeling this way everyday, all day. Waking up to it, going to bed with it. I want my life back. I miss Johrdan and I can't wrap my mind around it. I've come to a point where now I think of his cremation a lot. I'm realizing that it's having a larger impact on my life than I first thought. He was killed on Monday, June 20, 2011.… Continue

I have cried and cried all night last night and all day today. I'm moving back home today, we haven't been here since Johrdan passed away...8 weeks ago today. Where the hell am I supposed to go to get some peace in my heart...there will never be anywhere to go and that makes me so crazy. So insane. I can feel the screams building up inside of me, and I don't know what will happen when they finally fill me up. I have pushed them down and tried to ignore them but I'm losing the battle. Everyday… Continue

I don't understand how some people can be so insensitive, like they were never taught to be considerate of the loss of life, to think about what they say or how it affects the person they're saying it to. Last week my 7 year old son's physical therapist asked me, "So is your summer getting back to normal?" I was stunned...uuuuh let's see here; my son DIED on June 20, 2011, he was 18! He's not ever coming home. He's never going to be a chef. He's never going to be a husband. He's never going…

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What's to say when all is lost, when the words don't matter now

yet I find myself in constant need to spit them out somehow

struggling to convey to you although the moment's passed

to heed the words we spoke to you, but now the dye is cast

 

Days tick by, a silent count thrust upon my heart

one by one they pass me by, whisking me beyond and far

never leaving me time to breathe I beg time "slow down for me"

as though I had but whispered,…

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