An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...

Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident,…

Several years ago therapists #1 and #3 each suggested a writing assignment.  Journal what life would look and feel like had Jen’s accident not happened.  At first the suggestion sounded intriguing, I love writing and find it therapeutic.  After some reflection though, I declined.  There were too many iterations (especially considering the infinite universe theory) and what makes me think that the rosy-colored, cherry-picked version that I focus on would have ever happened?  So many ways…

I (intellectually) know that grief cycles, ups and downs, yet I still let myself fall into the thinking that I was somehow getting 'better'.  Memories and thoughts were decreasing in their intensity and frequency.  Even had a couple days in December without thoughts of Jen popping into my mind.  The emotions that followed were not so gut wrenching.  Dreams were absent of her (sometimes even despite requesting she appear).

Then the turn of the year and a completely new dream…

My aunt passed away towards the end of June 2021.  We were never particularly close, I visited her in California for a couple weeks when I was in middle school, but otherwise contact was limited.  She had some medical issues that prevented her from having children and (what I pieced together) a strained relationship with her father that caused her to sever most ties with the family, with perhaps some jealousy towards the family that my father was able to have.  When she passed away I went…

<Sidenote First>>>...The night before the support group meeting, Jen appeared in my dreams again.  We were back at high school age.  I sat down with her at a lunch table, but it felt like we hadn't 'officially' met yet.  Awkward stares and moments of silence.  I started to talk and then she was standing, staring, concerned.  It had a feeling like, "How dare you talk to me, you don't know me."  Well, maybe not that harsh, but definitely a…

I thought I was done. Recovery in process. Moving on...But the Tilt-A-Whirl does not stop. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that my mind does not let it stop.

The meet-up happened!

Of course, it went even better than I expected.  Intellectually, I knew it would.  Emotionally, I was shaking in my boots.  Jennifer’s sister has always been incredibly open, warm, encouraging, and welcoming.  There was no reason to expect any different.  However, I did start to experience Dallas’ devious (in a fun…

So fast forward to mid-2020.  Dreams with Jennifer still occur, at an approximate monthly rate.  The emotional impact is not as debilitating as in previous months.  There is still this nagging notion that there is a message that needs to be transferred.  Still don't know what the message is or if I am delivering or receiving the message, just that there is a message.  Then it happens that I have an excuse to go through Topeka, to possibly meet Jennifer’s sister.  In…

My grief journey seemed to be stabilizing…I literally went through all the ‘normal’ steps, processes, and feelings again, 30 years after the event, as though I was going through it the first time.  I have mentioned how I stuffed it down, was not able (or willing) to process or adequately deal with it in real time.  Then 30 years go by, a couple of dreams bring the wound to the forefront, and BAM! I am in the thick of it.  In…

Looking back at the totality of Jennifer’s accident, death, and ultimately my grieving process, it is strange that my psyche knew that I could not handle the loss and delayed it…albeit 30 years.  While I went through a grieving process in 1988, it (obviously) was not enough.  Perhaps abbreviated to save my sanity.  Whatever the reasons, it seems that my mind (or soul) knew that I was not able to deal with the magnitude of this…

(Pardon the length, brevity is not in my nature and this has been bottled far too long.)

The Notification

I was going to school at Kansas State, but that day had returned to Topeka to visit friends.  I rolled into my parents’ house about 3am on the 18th of October and went in to squeeze my mother’s foot, as was the custom to let them know I was…

http://bc.ctvnews.ca/man-in-custody-after-death-of-14-month-old-baby-in-chilliwack-1.1464825

I am still a person like you, with a life like yours, yet not. I am still a mother like you, yet not at all like you, all at the same time. I wish there was some way you could understand me, without becoming who I am now.

You see, there’s a pain I carry, unlike any pain you carry, unless you are a bereaved mother too. This pain I carry is always there. It doesn’t nap during the day, or get safely tucked into bed at night. It…

OK FOR THOSE WHO CANT HANDLE DETAILS ABOUT WHAT We've  WENT THROUGH ..  PLEASE don't read this comment it is unforgettable .

Not only not giving answers but for when a mother hears the police telling her over a telephone that her child is being worked on by the parametics and that they will call you when they know whats going on yet they wont let you come there wont give you an address youve been trying to gets for almost two hours previous to this dreaded phone call .. The hopeless,…

Every single person that has cared about us or supported us or thought about us.... You all have HONESTLY saved my life more then once.. I cant even begin to explain the hopelessness you feel over the loss of such an amazing , beautiful person that means so much more then the world to you. The only reason you had to change your life completely, and make you realize what true love means, once they place that being, in your arms... Its something you could never understand unless you are a…

Everytime i see your sweet little face it makes me so sad.. So sad for what we never got to do.. For what we never will.. For the life you so deserved to have... The choices you never got to make... I wonder what your voice would sound like when you started to talk and say sentences.. I miss you so much Alexcia everytime i see your face in pictures on the wall .. It hurts to know thats all you will ever get to be ... A picture on the wall .. Tears...

I dont know how much longer i can handle the stuff life keeps throwing at me and continue to stay strong and keep fighting, when i dont even know how to do it, nothing makes a difference .. Alexcia Mckamey i miss you so much i keep trying but its so hard to do this without you here .. I just keep going no where no matter how hard i keep fighting. I love you , this is sooooo hard !! Wish you were here…

Still no answers!!! I am still frozen , lost , hoping , waiting, begging for answers for my little girls life being stolen from her, from the world , from all of us .. You move forward, your lives keep going on .. My life is frozen.. Its standing still, my world has stopped .. I dont understand how she can just be gone forever, never coming home.. Without reason, no answers as to why ? Or how! Could you even for a minute ever imagine your only child , your whole life .. Everything that made…

The strangest thing happened to me a few days ago. I went out for a walk on my own, a rare occurrence as I usually have my two little people with me. But this day I was alone. I strode off out of my gate and along the waterfront where I live. A moment or two passed when I realised how tall I seemed. I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Somehow I felt elevated. I wondered if it was simply because I wasn't pushing the buggy and looking down at the…

When Lily died I missed her with all my heart and soul; but I wasn't lonely. I still had my husband. Our conversations filled in some of the gaps in my life that being without Lily left behind.

Recently, however, I have been without my husband. I still have Summer and Riley to play with…