Jacqueline Mckamey
  • 32, Female
  • Abbotsford, BC
  • Canada
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My Precious Angel :'(
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Started this discussion. Last reply by Jacqueline Mckamey May 13, 2014.

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About Me:
I am still a person like you, with a life like yours, yet not. I am still a mother like you, yet not at all like you, all at the same time. I wish there was some way you could understand me, without becoming who I am now.
You see, there’s a pain I carry, unlike any pain you carry, unless you are a bereaved mother too. This pain I carry is always there. It doesn’t nap during the day, or get safely tucked into bed at night. It follows me everywhere, it never leaves my side– like my daughter used to do, only grief is not cuddly, nor sweet.
No, a mother’s grief is a torturous life sentence, that no one wants to live. It’s bargaining for a different ending, over and over again, one where no one dies. It’s the panic of it happening again, any time, anywhere… It’s the toxic self-blame that never turns its finger around to blame itself. It’s the spiraling of obsessive thoughts, (what if… if only?) seeping its poison through every crevice of my mind. It’s the regret, so convincing that I failed as a mother, powerless to protect my child from death. Yes, grief’s emotions are as unpredictable as the ocean tide, crashing down on me to drown me alive.
While you complain about your kids spilling milk or painting on the wall, I swallow my grief whole, silently choking on my wish for my problems to be just. Like. Yours. Paint splattered all over my walls, milk spilled, covering my kitchen floor. I am aching for the signs of my daughter living, breathing, playing, alive in my home. I am longing for the iterations of what could have been.
Instead, I have an empty chair at every meal, the contents of my daughter’s entire life neatly stacked in sharpie-marked boxes in storage that now smells more like mildew and dust than of my daughter.
There is an eternal hole in my heart, in my life, the size and shape of her and only her, that no one and nothing will ever be able to fill.
About my Loss:
I lost My Only Daughter on sept 20 2013, her father picked her up for a scheduled visit and she never made it home again, the ihit is still investigating what happened to my poor little girl. She was only 14 months old. Its very hard and no one understands how hard tthis is i stil dont have any answers as to how she died or her cause of death or what happened at all! Its killing me ..

Heres a couple news stories on my daughter Alexcia Mckamey, and her death…

http://bc.ctvnews.ca/man-in-custody-after-death-of-14-month-old-bab...

http://www.theprogress.com/news/224733762.html?mobile=true

http://issuu.com/abbotsford-times/docs/abytue20131029

http://www.childlossandgrievingparents.com/372741944

http://www2.canada.com/theprovince/news/story.html?id=d00ca529-3d68...

http://globalnews.ca/news/1045270/family-of-deceased-abbotsford-bab...

http://www.abbynews.com/news/229612701.html
Are You a Service Provider? If Yes, please tell us about your service.
www.childlossandgrievingparents.com

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Jacqueline Mckamey's Blog

Alexcia

It's the little things, the small, everyday occurrences that you'll remember. The laughs, the stories, the smiles. And even though it seems like you can never recover from your loss, it is these very memories that will help push the pain away and bring back the smiles.

Posted on May 13, 2014 at 4:56am

Baby girl

You're not around, but your memories still remain captured in our hearts. You were like an angel that came and made our lives beautiful, and now that you are in heaven, we know you are doing the same.

Posted on May 13, 2014 at 3:32am

CHILD LOSS

I am still a person like you, with a life like yours, yet not. I am still a mother like you, yet not at all like you, all at the same time. I wish there was some way you could understand me, without becoming who I am now.

You see, there’s a pain I carry, unlike any pain you carry, unless you are a bereaved mother too. This pain I carry is always there. It doesn’t nap during the day, or get safely tucked into bed at night. It…

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Posted on April 29, 2014 at 7:55am — 1 Comment

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At 12:38pm on April 29, 2014, Diana, Certified Grief Counselor said…

I wish I could give you a real (((((hug))))) instead of a virtual hug.    

 
 
 

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