Hi, everyone,

I have been going to a grief group since I felt I needed some direction to "get a life".

The leader is a great guy and has some wisdom that for the moment I consider.  He told us that it is our choice of how we spend the rest of our lives without our loves.  We can either look forward or backward.  Well, it all sounds good until I get home to an empty house, an empty life, no friends I really like, a family who thinks I am doing "better", and a husband who is gone.  All the things that are said I know are true cognitively, but my brain just wants my love back! 

I am worse off now than I was before! I have lost all ambition to do anything.  I see a few other widows who are going on trips, joining all kinds of groups, and volunteering while I sit at home and cannot get dressed some days.  I look out at a sunny day and think I should enjoy it, but I cannot.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I envy other couples their happiness.

I think, some days, I am losing my mind.  I have no energy.  I miss being loved and loving. I hate my life.  I want my husband back, but I know that is not going to happen.  I want to die and join him.  I want to stop crying and have some peace!  I want to smile again and feel some happiness, but, without him, I don't think that is possible.

What if there is nothing when we die? What if we just cease to exist?  I have asked those questions, and I have decided that if that is so, I welcome it rather than this life I am living.

Everyone tells me how precious life is, well, for me that has become very questionable!  How precious does the life I have described above sound?  

I know I must go on, but how?  As Dante said, I have "abandoned hope".

Truly, I hope others can give me some possitive things to hang on to.  Right now, my only gratitude is that I had my love, my wonderful husband, for 55 years.  But, sometimes, I think that having him that long made it impossible to live without him.

Maxie

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Dear Maxie,

Word for word I could have written what you did.  I've have the very same thoughts, all of them that you have.  I feel the same way.  I wish I could give you some positive outlook but I can't.  My wife died 8 weeks ago.  I started the "In Agony" discussion and the only thing I can say is that we have to hope there is an afterlife so we reunite with our loved one.  Hang onto that, keep talking to him, (I read her unfinished books to her everyday).  Keep asking for a sign from him that he's ok and waiting for you (when it's your time).  I haven't gotten one yet but I did experience an out of body experience after being hit by a truck back in the 80's.  I remember as I was hitting the ground, I thought to myself "oh shit, I'm dead".  Then I was what seemed to be about 20 feet above my body laying in the street looking down at myself.  I had a fantastic, painless, peaceful feeling and I was aware of all the surroundings.  I saw someone come walking toward me.  I felt as though I wanted to stay where I was but the thought of my wife and kids flashed in my mind.  Now this next part is why I know it couldn't be a dream.  I thought to myself "no, I can't go yet" and I dove right back into my body and immediately stood up and saw the man who walked over to me.  That wasn't a dream.  I was taken to the hospital, the entire left side on my body was black and blue from shoulder to ankles.  The x-rayed my entire body and I had no broken bones.  Just a 3x3 bump on the back of my head.  All thru the years I think back and at times wonder if it could had all been a dream.  And I always come to the same conclusion.  I dove back into my body and got up.  That was not a dream.  I hang onto that as hope that there is an afterlife.  My body was able to accept me back but my wife's wasn't.  I'm not going to harm myself because of my kids and grandkids but I'm not going to interfere with passing away naturally either.  No medical intervention unless it's just a PITA and not going to kill me.  God bless and hang in there.  Joe

Thanks, Joe.  I appreciate you describing your experience during your accident.  It gives me hope that there really is something after this life.  My greatest hope which keeps me going and half way sane is that we will be joined again with our loved ones.

You are so early in this grief state, so I really send my hopes to you that you find some peace since you have experienced such a gift of knowing that death is not painful, but peaceful and welcoming.

I feel better reading your reply; thanks for taking the time.

MAXIE

Dear Maxey, How I feel for you and can empathise so much.I ask myself that question How can we have been loved & cherished all those years and then be expected to move on within our lives. I too read inspirational stuff & have a psychiatric support worker & am doing an online grief counselling but it always wears off and am back where I started.

Best Wishes

Marjorie xx

Hi Maxey,

Thanks for your honesty, and I feel the same. Personally, I hate it when people say it is our choice, to look forwards or back, etc, partly because that sounds like they are blaming the bereaved for feeling sad and missing their loves, and partly because it shows how little they understand about this situation — when the love of your life dies.  Normal rules don’t apply. You can’t positive-think your way out of the resulting emotional devastation. What even are the concepts of “backwards” and “forwards” in our case? Can someone who has not had the love we have known, and then been ripped away from their one true love, really understand just what a wasteland this life then feels like? I used to say “life is precious”, but I struggle to understand that short sentence now. I still believe it’s true in many ways, but my life doesn’t feel precious to me personally. His life, on the other hand, was the most precious jewel. I hope that we all feel better in time, but most of all I hope we have the strength to bear the suffering and follow our own paths through the dark wood (more Dante). 

Hello Maxie, Sharon here. I wasn't blessed with 55 years with my love, we had 46 years together, married at 18 years old. It is 2 years out for me and I miss him so much. I am still going through the days of not getting dressed, not going anywhere, etc., etc. I was referred to acute grief therapy by my family doctor as I have developed some health issues he feels are related to my grief. I went for a few months and experienced the "It's your choice, move forward or stay ""stuck""." I went for the last time 2 weeks ago, my choice. I told her I wasn't returning, nothing she said would bring my beloved back or ease the pain of losing him, BUT that's okay. I don't want healed, I am glad he was my everything.I am glad that losing him hurts so badly because he was loved that much by me. I gues I have developed the attitude of the world has it's way of viewing life, I have mine. I am 66, not looking for a "chapter two", I don't want to try "new experiences" without him. But that's okay too. I know, absolutely, one day we will be together again forever. I , the first summer of his death was in our front yard crying my eyes out when out of nowhere, literally, I smelled him. My beloved's scent, his personal smell, the smell of his skin was surrounding me and it was sheer bliss while it lasted. Then a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning in my kitchen and a song came on by a group called Elevation and it literally brought me to my knees because I saw my husband being held in the loving arms of God. He was safe, he was home. It truly gave me such peaceseeing he was safe. So, it's okay to mourn our love's, it's okay to let the world know they were loved, valued and the hole they have left in their passing. I believe that just because society dictates we should try to move ahead with a new life I don't want one, my "old" life was absolutely fine and I will keep on living it until I join my husband. God bless you. 

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