Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
On 9-10-11, my sister (age 34) died from suicide. Tomorrow will be the two month date anniversary. She has battled with severe depression and bi-polar most of her life. We both were born, raised, and live in Las Vegas, NV. We only had each other, as we did not talk to our parents or our brother, whom is living out of town. On Monday, 9-5 around 1am, she took approx. 35 wellbutrins. Then, on Tuesday 9-6 around the same time, she suffered a catastrophic seizure that sent her into cardiac arrest for 30 minutes. After being revived, the damage was done. The seizure and lack of oxygen to the brain during the cardiac arrest caused severe brain damage and pneumonia. After recieving results from tests on Thursday 9-8 showing very little brain activity with her pupils fixed and dialated with no reaction to light, her husband, our mother, brother, and myself; made the decision to remove her off of life support and put to a level 1 care (comfort only on morphine). Friday 9-9, we did her last rights and removed the machines at 12 noon. She held on until she took her last breath at 7:30a on Saturday 9-10. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, next to 2 miscarriages. I have been so lost, hurt, depressed, angry (not at her), I guess all the normal tendencies of grief. We would talk every day, literally all day via e-mail, text, and phone calls. I attend two different grief groups and write in a journal to her. Our insurance coverage on mental health stinks, so I have not been able to try to go to a therapist for 1 on 1 time.
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sisters2 (2).jpg, 36 KB Dear Kristy,
Your loss is gigantic and certainly VERY VERY painful. I los the only person I had in the world - my darling mother Nancy Preston June 26, 2011. She was my everything. She died of complications of chemo therapy secondary to throat cancer.
My life is so empty and I am so alone in the world. My mother is no longer suffering. She is in a beautiful place - The Garden of Souls is what George Anderson (get the book) calls it. Life on earth is just the beginning. We are all here to suffer, love, be humbled, be hurt, be loved, be abandoned...it is all about learning. You sister did not ask to be bi-polar. I know bi-polar as I had a niece that was very ill. I don't even know where she is now adays. But she lived with my for about 2 years. It is a horrible disease. You sister didn't say - I want to be bi-polar anymore than my mom asked to have cancer. It was part of their journey. Just like YOU suffering from her death is part of yours. Your life is forever changed. It is different. Take the rest of your life and do something meaningful. When it's your time and you have earned your way to heaven - you will be reunited with her. Her illiness controlled her thoughts. Therefore her suicide was not her fault. Love Sue
Sue,
My deepest sympathy to you for your mother. I have to agree with you that her suicide was not her fault, and that is why I am not mad at her. I have helped her for all of our lives with her depression and bi-polar. It is comforting to know that there is someone like you who can tell me that it really is not her fault, instead of everyone telling me, "she had a choice to do this or not". I will look into George Anderson and his book. A friend of mine has written a book and does seminars about his experience with passing, seeing heaven, and coming back. I feel comfort knowing she is happy, feels no hurt or angry; but pure bliss.
Hi,
George Anderson puts things into perspective for me. There are many unanswered questions we all have that we will get answers to when we are permitted to pass on to the next world. Your sister suffered from a disease - called mental illiness. It is a disease very few people recognized as a disease. Bipolar disease is one of the worst mental illinesses EVER. Very misunderstood. My niece - borderline personality and bi-polar. Comfort yourself that your sister is NO LONGER ill with this horrible disease. She is free from all of the demons and mosters that tried to make her life miserable. To be honest ...I think many of us have thought about suicide when our times were dark...because we are able to better manage our thoughts - we did not follow through with our "plans". Suffering is something we must experience to appreciate and acknowledge the good things that God puts before us. Our bodies and minds are constantly being pulled by both good and evil. It is not always a "choice" for us to make. Evil is real. Hell is real. Heaven is real. Otherwise - what the hell is life all about? I am 55 years old and have experience LOSS quit a bit. I have also been given love, understanding, been shown compassion by many, been hated too I am sad to say....The love my mom has for me (she still loves me and she is still my mother) - that was the purest most wonderful thing ever. God made you the stronger of the two for a reason. Think about that. You took care of her and loved her for her entire life. Now it is your "time" to find your purpose for still being here. You have a passion inside of you. I can feel it in how you use your words. You and I are left behind to mourn and grieve. They are the lucky ones. Have your heart and mind open and your purpose will come to YOU.
Love Sue
Hi Kristy,
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, I believe she had a disease called mental illness and just needed the pain to stop. Remember the love you shared, the good times you had and all the long conversations, one day this will bring you comfort. Its great that you journal that helps relieve stress, I too lost a sister suddenly, she died in her sleep massive heart attack, she was 41 years old. One of the first things I did was write her a letter expressing my feelings heart to heart. I went to the library and borrowed many books on the grief process as it related to our relationship. That help me a great deal because it made me realize I wasn't alone or crazy in the feelings I was experiencing. She's been gone since July of 2010 and I am learning to live with it, I will never get over it. I heard someone say to be grateful that they were in your life and still are because of the love you shared. It made me realize my sister had two young children ages 9 & 10, everytime I saw them I would think she should be here. I'm sure they picked up on that regret even though I tried not to show my feelings. Now I try to think they were so lucky to have had her as a mom and still do because of the love they share. They easily talk about her, share funny stories, she is part of who they are. Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes, everyone grieve's differently. Try to find someone you can share your feelings with, it helps to tell your story we all need that. You came to the right place, people here are kind and compassionate and will not judge. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
God Bless,
Denise
Denise,
Wow, your sister was so young when she had her heart attack. I am so very sorry to hear about the suddeness of your deepest loss. My sister has children also, my niece turned 15 years old exactly 1 week after my sister died, and my nephew is 12 years old. She was also married for 16 years. I learned about the journaling when a close friend of mine and my husband suddenly died also from a heartattack in his sleep in 2010. His wife was torn apart, and my mother in law told me to suggest to her the journal, so I used that when my sister died. I feel this site will be as comforting as you expressed, puts a smile on my face. :)
Dear Kristy,
How are you doing today? Sue
Sue,
I agree that bi-polar, depression, and any other mental illness is a disease that is not understood as deeply as it should be. In 2005, I was documented as manic depressive with dementia tendancies, but yet mental help is not as available as one would think! I too, feel as if, I have a deep meaningful purpose on earth. I love to help people and children. I am in college for my ultimate career choice as a CPS social worker, but now I feel as if I should do something with mental health. My husband stated once, "don't change your career path because of something you feel right now". That kinda hurt.
As far as today goes, it is a big struggle. There is no school today, and I mostly refuse to cry in front of my 7 year old son, and today is 2 month since her passing. I went to one of my groups last night, and though I love going to them, last night I just felt like I was not walking away happy. Everyone just kept saying they refuse to be surrounded by negativity and negative thoughts. I came home to an e-mail from a lady whom I contacted with a group called Clear View (a therapy center for one on one care). She stated that for someone like me being "so new" one on one care is a better choice, because I will tend to walk away from group feeling worse, and it was exactly how I felt last night, so weird.
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