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Lost My Daddy June 29, 2010
Hello Everyone, I just found and joined this website earlier tonight in the middle of a bad crying spell that went on most of this afternoon. My father passed away a month ago yesterday from a heart attack. He went into the bedroom to change into his slippers and only got one shoe off. He had no history of heart problems so this was really unexpected. The day he passed, he was out in his yard climbing a ladder and trimming the trees.
I am in my 40s and a single parent, but I feel like a 6 year old child who just lost her daddy. My dad has been my security blanket. He's the one who has fixed things that broke in my house, the one who helped me out financially when making ends meet without child support was impossible, the one who drove 2 hours each way to my home to stay with my daughter when I went to school out of state one weekend a month for a year and a half. He's been the one I could count on, thick or thin, and now I feel lost and scared.
But mostly, I feel bad because I took more than I gave to him during my adult life. You see, I had a rocky childhood because my dad developed a drinking problem and became physically abusive after his business went under. It was a dark time for my entire family. But, he overcame his problem and, with time, my family put our past in the past. Yet, I know in many ways my dad spent the rest of his life trying to make up for the pain and abuse he caused us kids during our childhood. And, I never told him he could stop doing that. I never told him I forgave him and I don't think my sister or brothers ever told him either. I guess we assumed he knew it or I don't know why we never told him. On Father's Day, I was going to tell him that I now understood how he went where he went when he lost his business and that there was nothing to forgive... that I knew if he could have done better by us back then, he would have. I lost a business in 2005 and it has taken me about 4 years to get over it, and I have gone through a lot of emotional stuff putting it behind me. But, I didn't tell him... I sat on the patio alone with him and even thought about it, but ended up saying nothing.
One night recently while my mother was upset and crying and grieving, she mentioned that my dad always thought he was going to hell when he died. So now I feel like my lack of telling him I forgave him, or any of us telling him, caused him to think that and I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I would give anything to have one last conversation... to tell him he more than made up for everything that happened in those dark years... to tell him that I wouldn't trade him for any other father in the world. To let him know I loved him with all my heart.
This is the first person I've lost that I've been close to and I don't know what to do with myself. My house in a mess, I can't sleep, my laundry has piled up for weeks and I've missed a few days of work this week and last. I started smoking again and I just keep sitting in my lawn chair, with my cigarettes and coffee, staring out into the sky. This is, by far, the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. And, I don't even know why I've written this... sorry its turned into a book.
Thanks for listening and understanding.
Connie
I am in my 40s and a single parent, but I feel like a 6 year old child who just lost her daddy. My dad has been my security blanket. He's the one who has fixed things that broke in my house, the one who helped me out financially when making ends meet without child support was impossible, the one who drove 2 hours each way to my home to stay with my daughter when I went to school out of state one weekend a month for a year and a half. He's been the one I could count on, thick or thin, and now I feel lost and scared.
But mostly, I feel bad because I took more than I gave to him during my adult life. You see, I had a rocky childhood because my dad developed a drinking problem and became physically abusive after his business went under. It was a dark time for my entire family. But, he overcame his problem and, with time, my family put our past in the past. Yet, I know in many ways my dad spent the rest of his life trying to make up for the pain and abuse he caused us kids during our childhood. And, I never told him he could stop doing that. I never told him I forgave him and I don't think my sister or brothers ever told him either. I guess we assumed he knew it or I don't know why we never told him. On Father's Day, I was going to tell him that I now understood how he went where he went when he lost his business and that there was nothing to forgive... that I knew if he could have done better by us back then, he would have. I lost a business in 2005 and it has taken me about 4 years to get over it, and I have gone through a lot of emotional stuff putting it behind me. But, I didn't tell him... I sat on the patio alone with him and even thought about it, but ended up saying nothing.
One night recently while my mother was upset and crying and grieving, she mentioned that my dad always thought he was going to hell when he died. So now I feel like my lack of telling him I forgave him, or any of us telling him, caused him to think that and I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I would give anything to have one last conversation... to tell him he more than made up for everything that happened in those dark years... to tell him that I wouldn't trade him for any other father in the world. To let him know I loved him with all my heart.
This is the first person I've lost that I've been close to and I don't know what to do with myself. My house in a mess, I can't sleep, my laundry has piled up for weeks and I've missed a few days of work this week and last. I started smoking again and I just keep sitting in my lawn chair, with my cigarettes and coffee, staring out into the sky. This is, by far, the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. And, I don't even know why I've written this... sorry its turned into a book.
Thanks for listening and understanding.
Connie
Views: 92
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mel Joyce on
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Dear Connie, what you are feeling is typical. you are covered in grief and a million thoughts and emotions are drowning you. You don't know what end is up and total confusion is normal. I was in the same boat, my father passed away March 4 unexpectedly from cardiac arrest in his sleep, he was only 57 years old. I am still learning to live without him and finding my new normal. I took for granted my dad and the role he played in my life. I never realized that he was my compass. He was there to listen, encourage, and support me when i needed it. Right now you are a cyclone of emotions, and your storm is going to be out of hand until you figure out what works for you. I have four children 8,7,3, and 2 year old. I had the same problem, basic functions of life, the step from teh bed to the floor was my hardest. After six weeks i saw the doctor and i looked into counseling groups. I am currently on anitdepressants, was taking sleeping pills, but not so much anymore. But the thing that has helped is being involved a group called, GREIFSHARE. you can find a group online at www.griefshare.org, plus this online group has been supportive too. YOu need to express your emotions, feel the pain, soon you will find your feet and stand, it is then that you will have to find avenues and gather tools to help you through this process. There is no set formula, no set time, you just have to get yourself thru the moments my friend. It's okay to cry, scream, have a fit, you lost your daddy and that hurts. Trying to deal with the permanant separation is the hardest becuase its not like he is on vacation. I tried to trick myself that way, but my heart knows better than my mind. So all i can offer is encouragement, and say it is okay to feel the pain, it will take time, and you will have to find your new normal. I pray the Lord gives you strength, and you should feel free to talk to God, even talk to your dad, let him know you forgive him. Don't forget his blood runs through you so in essence the same spirit too, so maybe talking aloud as if he is there can bring you a sense of peace. God knows and maybe by his Grace you will be granted that peace of mind that your dad knows too. I pray the Lord helps you settle down, to focus, to find people, groups, books, whatever you need to help you get through this maddening process of anguish, pain, and sorrow. Be strong in the Lord and lean on His word. In Jesus name, Amen. Hang in there, you will make it, we are all here for the same reason and i hope this site helps you like it has helped me. God Bless ya, mel
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Permalink Reply by Constance L. Freundt on
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Thank, Mel, for your support. It's comforting to know that this is all just part of the normal process. The night I wrote was a particularly bad night for me; perhaps because the day before was the one-month anniversary. I did better this weekend, even cleaned my place up. I'm going to check into that support group you mentioned for future use, if needed. Thanks again for all your help. Connie
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Dear Connie: My heart goes out to you. I lost my Daddy May 7, 2010, just 8 weeks after my younger brother died unexpectedly. My Daddy & I also had some bumps in our relationship through the years. He was 84 years old, but I wasn't ready yet. I won't get "preachy", but I sincerely hope you father made his peace with God before he died. I believe that accepting Jesus into our lives is the only way we get to heaven - not by being good or bad. It sounds like your father knew that you loved & forgave him. I am reeling in grief x 2. I'm also not motivated to clean, do laundry, or any of those things. I've gone from not sleeping at all to wanting to sleep all of the time. I've never felt pain of this magnitude. The only thing I keep going back to is an analogy used during the aftermath of the Murrah Building bombing in OKC. The counselors said the only way to deal with the wall of grief was to go through it. Because trying to go over, under, or around it just took a lot longer to get to a "new normal". I know my life will never be the same without my Daddy & my brother. I will pray for you during this time of sorrow.
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I too miss my Daddy terribly. I lost him on June 3, 2010 to cancer. Seeing that there are others dealing with the same grief is comfort, albeit a sad kind of comfort. It's so hard going through life as an adult (in my 30's), losing someone so important in life, and being expected to grieve quietly and "efficiently." I feel sorry for my husband, who has to deal with my frequent unexpected crying spells. He tries to understand, but until this happens to him (and I pray it doesn't happen the same way or soon), I don't think he'll be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the loss. Seeing my dad, once tall, strong, and broad, now taking up only a 6 ft by 2 ft patch of land, is too hard. Every time my 4-year old talks about Grandpa, I tear up. I don't want my child to remember me as predominantly sad like this. I am a Christian, although at the moment it doesn't seem to be a strong connection. My extended family talks about that aspect easily, but for me, I'm still angry and trying to understand why.
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Connie: I feel your intense pain. But know this your papa did things out of LOVE for you. The past was the past and that would never change but he looked at each day as a new adventure. He love you and he knew deep down inside that you forgave him without words said. Remember the great times, laugh out loud, talk to him and ask GOD to give you the comfort that you need right now to help you with your feels. Ask yourself one question: and that is if daddy was here right now sitting next to you what would he say to you? I bet he would say Connie honey that laundry needs to be done, don't smoke so much it's not good for you....hehehehe comb your hair...lol Connie honey you will get through this!! You will he know you forgave him! You told him already..
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