I had thought that I was a professional when it came to the grieving process.  I had lost my young son at the hands of another person through a malicious and intentional act.  I spent three years of my life learning to forgive myself and forgive the man who ended my childs life.  I worked hard with my other children to help them learn to trust and love again.  I did the same for myself.  It took a lot of hard work... a lot of dirty work, digging into myself to embrace this "newness" that was to become a part of my life.  I had finally adjusted to the concept that I was forever changed in some way, that I would always feel different than everyone else, that through all my joys there would always be a small thread of longing or sorrow.  I was feeling very confident that I could handle just about anything life threw my way.

 

    Then on June 24th of this year, I received a call from my 15 year old brother telling me that my dad had killed himself.  Not something that I ever would have expected in a million years.  My initial reaction was shock, disbelief, anger, and lots of hurt.  And there is still this disbelief.  My father had felt so terrible on some level that he wanted to end his life... he left behind a wonderful wife. 5 children, and 3 grandchildren.  It makes me wonder what kind of pain was he feeling?  what sort of desolation makes a person think that death is a better option.  It breaks my heart that he felt that way.... however it was.  And then sometimes I get angry at him for it.  How dare he leave us?

 

     I suppose I am looking for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.  How do you come to terms with something like that?

Views: 125

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

My husband killed himself when he was 43.  If you would like someone to talk to please feel free to email me anytime

on the forum to chat.  It's hard - it's been almost 4 years now and it still makes me confused and angry that he did this to me and to our daughter.

 

J

I've lost 2 people to suicide my sister 4 years ago & then my dad just over a month ago.  Your feelings are normal I feel the same way most day's.  Some day's I wonder how I can go on living without them how they could just leave us behind like this.  I'm still in shock but to me his death was real becasue I was the one who found my father. I struggle with this everyday I can see the image in my head on a regular basis.   I want you to know that your feelings are compleatly normal but you must look after yourslef.  There are so many question's we all want to ask our loved ones one being WHY.......

I really appreciate you getting back to me because I feel so suicidal myself right now and so scared.

But I have my little cat who I adore and I am holding on.  I am so thankful for people like you who are willing to reach out to people like me and we can understand how much this hurts.  Thank you.

 

Janice

RSS

Latest Activity

Jennifer replied to Robin H's discussion Lost my Partner who wasn't my partner in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Welcome to the group.  I lost my partner on February 5th this year, so it's still pretty raw for me too.  Reading through your story really touched a chord with me.  Like you, I didn't think I would ever find a group like…"
May 1
Jennifer joined Cathy Richardson's group
Thumbnail

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
May 1
Jennifer and William Gardener are now friends
May 1
dream moon JO B commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"i miss mom so mush i do"
Apr 11
Susan E Marshall commented on Susan E Marshall's photo
Thumbnail

My husband

"Thanks, Rosie. (I have memory problems and forgot about this site. I'm just seeing this now. April 6th)"
Apr 6
Natasha updated their profile
Apr 5
Angie Rowland joined Rita-Cecile's group
Thumbnail

LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITED loss and grief

Anyone who has lost their gay partner..soon finds that there may be a few things that are different...such as sorting through things and feeling like an intruder because it is also family stuff etcSee More
Apr 3
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service