Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 5, 2022 at 8:25am

Hi Bluebird. I do know what you mean and totally agree about the devastation and horrific-ness of this and finding honesty with others who know and feel the same. Again, to your point, not to minimize others' feelings or journeys...but I am not on that same journey. It is so profound and completely life-altering, making you question everything you are and have known, that it becomes essential to at least be able to relate to another. I told my therapist that I did not want to live and that I did not want to hear anything back from anybody except to understand and accept that. Having that 'connection' (as much as it sucks for us) does help.

As for the furniture restorations...I did that years ago in a bigger house with a garage and more room. I am in a little condo now, so no room to do any of that kind of work. Maybe something else...just not in the mood for that right now.

And as far as not making any big decisions for a year...ironically, I am pursuing a new job and to move back to my hometown. I know, nothing like piling on the stress. I know I would be better off waiting, but the new job was in motion before my baby passed and the current job is just way too stressful...that was one of the reasons to find another. The move? Well, that can wait for a little while I guess...but need to be closer to my family/friends and his family.

Thanks for the correspondence...it is very much appreciated

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 5, 2022 at 6:41pm

Drewtoo,

Absolutely, the death of one's spouse/partner is profound and completely life-altering, as you said -- "...making you question everything you are and have known...".  I literally feel that I am no longer a part of the human race. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but I swear it's the truth. I suspect that not everyone who is dealing with the death of her/his spouse or partner is affected so severely, or at least not in this same way. At least, most people I've encountered, both in real life and online, don't feel this way. Most people seem to want to get on with life -- maybe not right away, but eventually. The death of their spouse/partner, while sad and painful, doesn't seem to completely blow up their existence.

You said you told your therapist that you did not want to live, and that you "...didn't want to hear anything back from anybody except to understand and accept that." How did s/he respond to your saying that? 

There are exceptions to every rule; in your case, since you already had your new job situation in motion before your partner died, it kind of makes sense for you to continue with that. Is the new job located in your hometown? I can understand wanting a less stressful job, and I can understand wanting to be close to friends and family. As long as you don't have a strong emotional or financial connection to your condo, it sounds to me as though it may make sense for you to move and change jobs. Maybe once you move you can consider taking up your furniture restoration again, if you want to and if you have room in the new place.

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 5, 2022 at 8:32am

Hi Luna, thank you for your response.

I hear what you are saying and can appreciate it. And I know what Bluebird and Jeff have said. But, the thing is...if I imagine getting to the point in a year, 5 years, 10 years as to what has been described, I ask myself 'will that be okay? do I want to exist like that?' I have to be honest and say 'not really'. The bottom line is, I just do not want to be without him, nor find a way to be without him. It just doesn't matter...nothing matters. And if it doesn't matter, what is the point?

Sorry to be so grim, but this is where I am.

And I also was not with my love for very long...didn't matter, our bond was extraordinary and we spent so much time together and did SO many things. We just couldn't get enough of each other. 

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Permalink Reply by Luna Nightshade on October 5, 2022 at 10:02am

None of us is pushing you to get to a point in a year or later. I do not know about the others but I think we were all at the point where we didn't want to go on without our loves.

I remember that Bluebird stated that very effectively.

Now ..., I at least, simply am at a point where I am okay with going on.

There is no need to be sorry. I - we - can relate. It is what it is. We understand.

Our experiences vary vastly, but we can relate.

I am looking for good words to close this off, but I fear there are none. Maybe "you're not alone" has to suffice.

Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 5, 2022 at 5:32pm

Dear Luna...not being alone is really the best that can happen right now. Thank you

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 5, 2022 at 6:28pm

Luna,

Would you be willing to share what happened when you think you almost died in your sleep from a dream you had? I am interested in hearing about it, though if you don't feel comfortable sharing it I do understand.

I would also like to hear about how you maintain the connection you feel, as well as what your feelings/beliefs are regarding an afterlife (I'm sorry if we've already discussed these things and I don't remember).

Did/do you find that writing helps you, too? Have you published or tried to publish your fantasy novels? 

I'm glad that my posts here have helped you a bit -- believe me, being able to converse online with you, Jeff, Drewtoo, and others who have and are going through the same thing, is also helpful to me.

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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 5, 2022 at 9:21pm

Hi Bluebird. When I told my therapist that I did not want to live, I made a point that no one could possibly know my particular circumstance, the depth of my relationship, the uniqueness and magic of it. I told her that I have never known or even heard of anyone with as special and incredible of a relationship as I had with my beautiful man. I told her that even though I was sure others felt tremendous grief, that I could not connect with someone with anywhere near a similar circumstance as mine. And, because it was so over-the-top profound, I felt very much alone. This was mainly because of the amazing relationship and connection we had, but also because of the severe trauma that was a part of it. It was ENORMOUS, and still is. I'm a strong person, always have been...but this was my limit.

So, when I told her she was prepared. And she just nodded (thank god) because there was literally nothing to say.

I get the same feeling from other people, that they want to move forward...and I truly support that and hope they do. But I don't...I've been through lots of shit in my life. Got through it all. I knew that I wanted to, and I did. As far as the deaths I experienced, they were extremely sad, upsetting, depressing...but different than now. I did what I had to do to get through it, knowing that somehow I would.

But I met this amazing man, and we had an amazing relationship and deep love and respect for each other. I was so proud of us for both enduring shit relationships and maintaining a positive outlook for finding love and having hope and a good relationship. And we found each other at a time in our lives where we definitely appreciated it more than we ever could if the timing were different. We were so grateful and told each other that at least once a day. We found the true happiness and love that we both deserved, and accepted that (tough to do after crappy relationships that make you doubt it). Then, he's taken. There is just nothing more to say...that is it. Like we have both said, I died when he did. Period. 

Permalink Reply by Luna Nightshade on October 6, 2022 at 3:13am

Enough time has passed that I am somewhat comfortable with relaying that dream. It is still vivid in my mind.

Usually when dreaming I have no trouble breathing, even if I am underwater within the dream, but that dream was very different.

It was like sinking deeper and deeper within a sea of blackness. I do not remember whether there was any surface, only that I was sinking down - and that I couldn't breathe.

I didn't struggle, as I wanted to die at that time. I was indifferent to it, even if I sank in the darkness and disappeared, it didn't matter to me. He was gone, so why should I continue to exist?

That's when I felt something or rather someone tackle me from the side. I woke with a start, breathing, and my heart beating.

I don't know whether it was a dream or whether my heart or my breathing really had stopped at that time. It just really felt as if he urged me to go on.

I guess that is part of the things that maintained the connection for me. I can also imagine or sort of see that connection. Like a thick strand that stretches from me to him. It was far brighter before, pulsing with light and I think the love we shared. Now it's dark. Not completely, but dimmed, muted, slower.

As for the afterlife ... It's a hard topic. Especially since nothing can be said for certain. I've watched many talks about it, and about NDEs (Near Death Experiences), and although there are many common events, there are also sometimes stories with supposed glimpses of the future.

I wish for there to be one, but I am sceptical. And I have to admit that I share the fear my boyfriend had: That we simply cease to exist. I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of ceasing to be. In that dream I would have embraced this, but I have changed. Especially since that fear felt like pushed onto me as well in the aftermath of that dream.

As for the future ... I think I had a few glimpses of my own within dreams in the past. I even have a dream journal entry of a dream I had where I stood at the death bed of an important person to me. Where I woke with tears. Which was more than three years prior to the event. Before I even got to know him.

Others were of smaller things that either really happened or I was simply just worried about. So I think that there definitely is more than we can perceive with our senses alone.

I think that keeps me somewhat sane. As does the promise we made after it happened. When I asked "Will you wait for me?" and I just got a sense of the word "yes" back.

That brings me to your third question. Does writing actually help me? I am not sure. We were both creatively inclined, and he had written things himself. He had built a whole world that I wanted to preserve, but find myself unable to.

Still writing is one of the things that I like to do. And I found that doing something often distracted me from the pain of it all. I was doing all I could at work, just to keep my mind busy.

Nowadays I am not doing it to run from the hurt. But my mind is always busy.

And yes, I have endeavored to publish my first story - which is still from before all of this happened - myself.

I think, even if he did not like the story himself - it was not his type - he would have wanted for me to leave a piece of myself behind like that. He didn't get the chance to do so himself after all.

So all in all, I guess ... I am living for his sake, too.

Permalink Reply by Jeff C on October 12, 2022 at 7:41pm

Luna,

I am sorry that you are going through this, also.  You described it very well.  I won't toss out any stupid platitudes or cliches.  I hope it helps you a little to write about your boyfriend.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 5, 2022 at 10:47pm

Drewtoo,

For some reason, on this site once there are a lot of nested replies, it doesn't let you reply again -- so this is in response to your last post, but I couldn't comment directly to/below it.

Based on her response to your statement about not wanting to live, it sounds as though your therapist is a good one. Also, you're absolutely right that no one else can understand your relationship or circumstances -- every relationship is different, so while we can each have some idea of the depth of pain another person going through the death of a spouse/partner is experiencing, we can't really know exactly what it's like for them. But at least here there are other people who have some idea.

Other people will generally want you to "move on" (I hate that fucking phrase -- there is no "moving on" for me!) -- partly because they don't want you to be in pain anymore, and partly because it's uncomfortable for them to have to view your pain. Understandable, I suppose, but ultimately it simply isn't up to them.

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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on October 5, 2022 at 10:59pm

Very true...it is not up to them. This is what I want, my choice. It's really quite simple.

Some might say I am being selfish...but you know what, I can be. Awhile ago I was told by the same people who now want me to go on that I should be more selfish...that was because I was getting into a lot of unhealthy relationships and let the guilt I was made to feel make me believe I had to try harder. Not seeing what I was feeling, what I needed. Well, so now I do. So now maybe I am finally being selfish about what I want rather than others.

Oh...you mean that doesn't apply here? You mean my selfishness applies only to what you define it as? I know I am being sarcastic here...it's one of many strong emotions I feel many times a day. Along with anger, and hurt, and sadness. My emotions are out of control. One of the reasons being is that I am in terrible sleep deprivation. In the very beginning I just could not sleep. But now I fight it, and recently realized it's because I don't want to wake up again and realize that all this is really happening...over and over again.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 5, 2022 at 11:11pm

I get it, I really do. This all sucks. And if there were ever a time to be selfish, this is it -- on your own terms.

If you aren't prone to substance abuse, maybe consider getting some medication to help you sleep? You could even just look into melatonin, which is not addictive and which I think you can get over-the-counter (I've never taken it myself, but some people say it really helps with sleeping). 

Incidentally, on a lighter note -- the puppy you have as your avatar is adorable! Is s/he yours, or someone else's, or just a random photo?

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