I am still so angry that Mom is gone. Things weren't supposed to work out this way. Having ulcerative colitis is no pleasure for anyone, but most people respond to the medicines available to treat this condition and they stablize. Why oh why couldn't my wonderful Mom have been one of them!

 

The other night I was alone in the house and kept crying and yelling out loud "It's not fair!"....I am ashamed that this happened (even though no one else knows) because I sounded like a little kid who didn't get the toy they wanted for Christmas.

 

I miss Mom so much and no one else in my family seems to care that she is gone. I don't have anyone other than my psychologist to confide in and I only see her once a week. I wish I had someone to talk to and offer me some comfort. This is pathetic, but last week I was in a Hallmark card store and was tempted to buy myself a small teddy bear so I would have something to hug.

 

I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep well and can't climb out!

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Hi Jayne

 

Thank you for your post. I am doing a little better, but it's still so hard.

Have you thought about going for grief counseling? I find that it has helped me.

Anyhow I came across a lovely poem the other day about losing a loved one and wanted to share it with you. Here it is:

 

                                                      Death is nothing  at all

Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are  you; whatever we were to each other, that, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used, put  no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or  sorrow.

Laugh as we always  laughed at the little jokes we shared together. Let my name ever be the  household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it  ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is unbroken  continuity.

Why should I be out of  mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for  you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the  corner.

All is  well.


Henry Scott Holland 1847  -1918

 

I'd like to tell you it gets better, but not much. My Mom has been gone 12 years and the pain is still just as raw. She had mini strokes and dementia and died at a young 74. She and my Dad walked every day (he was 69 when he passed) she never smoked or drank. Her brother, lived to 84 and he drank like a fish!! He biological mom was 84 too when she passed and also drank. Makes no sense. My Mom who was the most generous and giving and loving person, died young and in a horrible way. I cared for her and in her moments of lucidity she would tell me how horrified she was that I was having to care for her in her state. I assured her that she'd have done the same for me...I loved her so much. I wish I had a way for the pain to get better but it does become not quite as raw but I think I will forever ask why others who did so much to their bodies have lived so much longer. Keep talking to her!!!

I'll be praying for you love. I'm also angry & sad & hurting & want to scream. My mom had RA, Crohns & ulcerative colitis since she was 19...my whole life. Her worst bouts were the crohns & colitis. She ended up having her colon removed & later a total of 4 bowel resection surgeries. I almost lost her during 3 of them. Autoimmune diseases are mean, hateful things & most people have no idea what they do to the person & their family. Its almost worse than cancer nowadays (cancer is horrible, please no one misunderstand) bc most cancers can be cured, go into remission. Autoimmune diseases don't. In fact...people with cancer go thru chemo etc for a certain length of time...people with autoimmune diseases take chemo as well as chemo class drugs thru their whole lives after diagnosis. Not only was I the daughter of someone going thru this...I myself am as well. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, fibromyalgia & am currently being tested for Lupus as well. My heart sincerely goes out to you for your loss...if anyone can relate, I can. My mom was my best friend too. You mentioned Hallmark...I'm a mom but I don't handle mothers day well. The commercials etc are heart wrenching. Sorry, I'll stop rambling. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, & that I will be praying for you!!!

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