It's been 3 years and I'm still not sure how to find the way back to my-self.  I'm just lost with her.

 

My mom passed away on December 7, 2007 after being diagnosed on Thanksgiving day with pancreatic cancer.  She had been having problems for a few months prior, but it seemed like they only diagnosed each symptom, but never the whole person.  I was at the hospital everyday and did everything I could think to do. I made sure her false teeth were kept clean, rode rough shod over the nursing staff to make sure things got done, raised my voice with them when necessary - and probably even stepped on family toes in the process. I let her decide every night if I was to stay at the hospital or go home to sleep.  I made sure her cell phone was charged and close just in case she needed to call - bored, lonely, or scared - any reason at all.  I have memories of being there to try to comfort her when she was sick, and was there when they called a Rapid Response in the middle of the night. I have what I hope will some day be special memories instead of haunting images. It was the hardest few weeks of my life, but I would not have missed it for the world.  I know my sister struggles with the fact that she left to get her family and didn't make it back in time.

 

The hardest part is that I didn't only loose my mom, I lost my best friend, my confidant, my craft buddy, my movie buddy, my sounding board, my mood stabilizer, and the person I always called to complain about work.

 

I've been through a lot of losses, grandparents, my favorite uncle, and family friends, but the 1 constant was that I always had mom to help me through it. I was supposed to be taking care of her in her old age - she was not supposed to die at 56.

 

I had an awesome support system of friends throughout her battle with cancer, and for a while after so I was doing ok. I did drink a little to keep myself level through the services. The worst thing I did was choose the cowards way out of grieving. I started an MBA program in January 2008 to have something else to focus on - and hid behind the fact that I had promised her I would go for a master's degree.  I packed up everything of hers I kept and put it in the closed - and I'm afraid to open the box.

 

Grad school started without problems, but in May 2008 my job began to "move my cheese" so to speak.  They kept changing my job without asking/caring what I though and I seemed to always end up doing something I hated just because no one else could figure out how to fix the problem.  I have friends who tell me that is when they saw my drinking start to increase.

 

Seemed like every few months I was given a new worse project, and my alcohol consumption increased. Through each change, I just wanted my mom to talk to about it, but without her I chose beer.

 

During late 2008 and over 2009 my support system totally deteriorated and I felt very alone.  I did manage to complete my MBA - but the graduation ceremony felt hollow.

 

In July 2010 I began counseling, but it seemed that my counselor was more interested in my mood, depression, anxiety, and anger - rather than the grief I felt was at the root of it. He gave me a referral to a support group, but I didn't use it. I do like the counselor and I was actually feeling better.  I made a change at work, that seemed well thought out.

 

In October 2010, I was late to work due to being hungover. I decided it was time to change - I gradually reduced consumption and was sober for 30 days.  Therapy was going well and I almost felt like myself again.  Then the holiday's hit - I got extremely depressed - the crap hit the fan at work - I totally shut down and fell apart.  I feel like I have no coping skills anymore.  Anxiety and panic attacks took over. I went on a binge - it obviously did not help.

 

So I finally decided to get back on track. I'm keeping up with my therapy, I've stopped drinking again and have joined a support group, and I've finally decided it's time to deal with the grief which is what brought me here.  I need to grieve the loss so I can finally begin to move on. I know my mom would only want me to be happy.