Hi everyone, Im new to this so bare with me.

My mom passed away on March 27th of this year. She was 57 yrs old. She has been ill for over 5 years now and no one could diagnose her disease. She had back surgery for a herniated disc and about a year after that she started to go down hill.

The first symptoms were her speech. She started slurring her words. Automatically we thought it was because of her pain medication she was taking for her back. However, after months of different meds things only got worse. Over a period of 5 years she lost all control. Her speech, her balance, her bowels, she couldnt swallow. She was an artist and lost all of her creativitity and abilty to write let alone paint. A month before she passed away she couldn't remember who her family was. She became very combative and would literally physically abuse my 66 year old father who cared for her full time. I ended up quitting my job of 6 years to help him. She refused to eat anything he would cook, she refused to take her meds from him, she refused to sleep in their bed and refused to bathe. She would try to leave the house any chance she got. There were days my Dad couldnt even shower because she would try to "escape". She was mean to him, calling him names and would try to hurt him. One night my Dad called me over to help him. She attacked him and scratched his arms all up. She would accuse him of hurting her. She accused him of having affairs with women and then with men. She would call people at all hours of the night. My Dad would try to help her with her walker or wheel chair, she would refuse his help and try to hurt him until she would fall down. I had to go many times to help my dad pick her up off of the floor. At one point of her being so stubborn she fell and cracked her forehead needing stitches. My father was living in hell during this time. We even hired a woman to come daily to help with the bathing and caring for my Mom. When she was there it gave my Dad a way out. Even if it was only for a short time, he needed his break. She ended up quitting after only 2 months. My mom became combative to her and would call her names.

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She was tested by UCSF and Stanford for everything from Huntingtons Disease to Fredericks Ataxia, to Alzheimers to Machado Joseph's Disease. When she passed away they still didn't have a diagnosis.

Towards the end she would ask us to pray to God to take her. She was miserable in her own skin. I always tell people that we lost "my Mom" 5 years ago. Because the lady that was living in my parents home was not my Mom. It was like having a stranger there.

It has been 31 days since she has passed away. I am now feeling such guilt. I feel so badly for praying to God to take her. Yes, she was ready and voiced that to all of us and other family members, but I'm feeling guilty because I prayed for God to take her for selfish reasons. I hated what was happening to my Dad. Between the physical pain he had but also the emotional pain he delt with for so long. After I would leave my parents home from picking my Mom up from the floor. I would be so mad with her for everything she was doing, I would cry all the way home and then cry more to my husband and then cry more when I went to bed. I was being torn between my father who was my father in person and my father by soul and this woman who looked like my Mom but clearly was posessed by someone else. In reality this woman had no idea of the rights and wrongs she was doing. I dont believe she did these things purposely but I feel that this stranger who looked like my Mom was causing such pain to my father and the rest of us. I feel now that I prayed for God to take her so we didnt have to deal with it/her anymore.

As I sit and write this blog, theres a picture of my Mom in a frame on my desk. It was 8 years ago, she is glowing. It was the day of my sisters wedding. I look at her face and see my Mom but don't remember her. I cry for this person I see in front of me in the picture but have so many mixed emotions going through my body. Because the person who passed away was gone for 5 years.

Am I wrong feeling this way? I have never lost a parent before and our situation is like no other I ever experienced. I never thought I would be 32 and mother-less. I get so sad thinking of her not getting to go to Hawaii like my parents planned or to Vegas. She always wanted to travel when they retired, and she died without getting to do any of those things. She died a very lost, sad person who felt like she didnt have anyone around her that was familiar to her.

Thank You,

Stacy