What I Should Be Doing

I went to watch the UFC fights last night.  In the middle of it all, the bar food and cheap beer...I couldn't stop thinking of my son.  It was loud and everybody was smiling and having a good time; distracted with what was on every large screen T.V.  I kept thinking about how I should have been at home with him, how I should not have been there at a musty bar with friends.  I didn't want to drag my husband down with me and my thoughts, so I went outside and cried for Wyatt.

I should be texting with other new mothers who are sleep-deprived and upset about feeding schedules.  I should be planning happy family visits and shopping for baby clothes.  Instead I have an empty nursery and onesies that were never worn.  I spent my motherhood in a NICU.  I spent my 2 months with my son in a hospital.  I never got to go shopping for him or buy him one freaking present.  I was racked with worry and fear.  It's not right and it's not fair.

The 'shoulds' were and are driving me a little crazy.  The life I should of had with Wyatt, the life my husband should have had with our son.  The mother's day cards I should have received, not the condolences cards, instead.  

And now...what should I be doing?  There are no answers and I'm not expecting any.  This is a life I never planned for and I'm living it, anyway.   

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Comment by Steph on June 6, 2016 at 8:50am

As we know there are really no words to console each other while grieving the loss of a loved one. What I have found helpful with joining this group is knowing that I am normal in the feelings that I am having. That knowledge doesn't necessarily lessen the pain, but it helps to not feel so alone. I cannot even come close to imagining what it is like to lose a child, nor will I pretend to. What I will say is I understand that feeling of trying to live in a life that doesn't seem like it is yours. I too have been many places with friends and family trying to move forward when the thoughts of Billy are always there. All of the shoulds flood in and I find myself in the bathroom or outside crying not wanting to bother others. I have no answers and only keep trying to learn how to live this new life without losing myself completely. Know you are not alone. 

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