One month ago I moved to New York City. I love it here! This is the place I have been dreaming about coming to since I was 14. I knew that just because I would be living in a different place, didnt mean that all my emotional problems would go away. I just didnt expect it to sneak up on me so soon. My mom has been dead for 3 years now, I did 18 months of therapy up till I left California, and I seriously thought I was in a better place. I still think I am in a better place, but different emotions that Ive never dealt with before keep arising. I had a lot of family crap back in Cali. Older siblings that looked the other way, and a dad that hasnt been in my life since I was 7. So, I dealt with alot these past 3 years, more than just grieving. Now, that I am in a better place where I can concentrate on myslef and my life, it tends to have baggage with that as well. I dont think I have ever missed my mom so much. I want to talk to her, hug her, tell her about my new adventures in the city. I know that I cant, but my insides are burning around the hole that is left in my heart. I cant sleep. When I do sleep, I dream about my childhood, or life when she was here. Not all of it is good either. I am an emotional mess and I am just tired. I am TIRED of feeling this way for the past 1153 days. Has it really been that long?
I am 20 years old. I should have my mom in my life. I wasnt ready. I should be able to call her and tell her about my life and share things with her.
I can handle the no sleep. I can go a few days without sleeping.
The dreams are what hurts. For 7 months about a year ago, I had dreams of me killing my mom. Some were new, and some were just being repeated. I had these dreams 4-5 nites a week. It was unbearable. My therapist said that it must have been connected to some sort of guilt connected to my mothers death. After, multiple tears and more months of therapy the dreams eventually went away. This morning, with only 3 hours of sleep, I realized why I felt guilty. Not to get into details, but in some way it makes me more sad. I look back and feel bad that I couldnt have done more. I couldnt, she died from cancer, but I feel like I should have been a better daughter to her, she deserved better from me.
Now, my dreams are these memories from my past, from home. It hurts to wake up in that kind of pain.