This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with as it is for anyone who loses their loved ones. As we get older it is the one thing we can guarantee in this life that we will lose our closest relatives and friends. My first loss was when I was 20 and my grandfather passed away while I was living half way across the country but as hard as that was I got through it. It gave me the sense that I can be strong for my family but this time it's harder. One year, 8 months and one day ago I lost my father, he had been diagnosed 6 months before his death with Leukemia and he went to live in a health facility so he wouldn't be a burden on me. Although I knew he could die any day I didn't want to face the fact that he was going to leave me, that I wouldn't be able to ask him questions or see his smile again. although my dad left mom and I when I was 4 years old, he was my rock the one I went to with all my problems. He always listened and calmed me down before helping me see reality. He got me we were like two peas in a pod and for the last eight years of his life I took care of him, and he of me. He had moved in with me when he had a brain bleed and shortly after that lost my step mom. While my dad was in St.Peter's I visited him everyday and we would go for walks, have a beer and play cribbage. The day he died I had seen him in the morning and he was doing better then the night before. He told me to go have fun with my friends at Canada's Wonderland but something told me I shouldn't go and yet I did. We got home later then planned so I decided I would go see him the next morning. An hour after I got home I got a phone call from my uncle saying dad was gone. I sat with my dad for hours just crying and telling him how much I need him. There are some days I don't cry, or think about him but when I do remember things its always the last few days of his life or memories that make me cry, that hurt when ever I think about him. To top it off 11 months later I lost my grandmother quite unexpectedly and it changed everything. Some days I find myself asking how do I go on without them, all I have is my mother and I don't know how to be there for her through this. I miss them everyday and I feel guilty for not spending as much time as  I could with them. 

I miss them very much.

Rebecca

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