My soulmate passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. It was a sudden, unexpected, horrible accident. The instant we met we both felt this intense, electrifying..gravitational force pulling us together. It was like time and sound stopped and all we could do was look into the depths of eachother's souls. We discussed it and both felt it. Due to many different circumstances, mainly our distance, we were only able to be together on occasion and thus didn't declared ourselves a "couple." We shared a very pure, affectionate, loving relationship. He made me feel loved, beautiful and special. No other man has managed to make me feel the way he did. This went on for a few years, until at last we were able to become a steady couple. Distance was still somewhat of an issue, and we both worked and neither of us had cars, but we used public transit, and were able to pull it off for a short while. Until the incident: We were drinking 1 friday night, we were only 19&21, and he wanted to take me back to his house and spend the night together. I wanted to badly, but having the knowledge that it was the last train of the night, and he didn't live in a safe place, i was apprehensive. I decided to go with him. We took the last train, got there....according to the deal before we left, we would go to his friend's house then to his. We got to his friend's house and apparently we weren't welcome there, the kid's mother exclaimed after storming in and discovering us. I was livid and humiliated, and the 2 of us left. We had no where to go...we sat out on a porch in the middle of the night in the inner city. I feel like it's a miracle I wasn't shot or raped out there. Not to be conceited, but a pretty little white girl, outside overnight in the inner city (a city on the news nightly for shootings), was too risky and I knew it. We were cold and tired and I was scared. He gave me his coat and we cuddled close together. After maybe a couple hours we used the last of our combined money and took a bus to his place. He wanted to make sure his mother had left for work and said he was going in real quick and he'd be right out. I sat in his basement...dozed off after 10 minutes...must have stayed maybe and hour or 2 but it felt like an eternity and when I left I was beyond vexed. It was raining, I had used our bus transfer to catch a bus to the station for the 1st train, and hopped the turn table because I now had $0. I made it home, and believe me I stayed mad at him. He called and apologized profusely, he was embarassed he fell asleep and he was so ashamed of himself. I hung up on him. He tried to reconcile a few more times and I never would listen to him. After a year, he sent me a letter and just poured his heart out to me. I never replied.  He tried once again. By that time I had just entered into a new relationship, and he happened to be right there when my ex called. As much as I was finally over the incident and wanted to take his call, my boyfriend made it impossible for us to have a civil conversation and my last words to him were "don't call here anymore, i don't want to hear from you again" and that was it. I felt so awful saying it, I didn't mean it, but I wanted my boyfriend to feel secure that I wasn't going to cheat and go running back to my beautiful ex. I really figured we had our whole lives to make things right and reconnect. For Christ's sake we were 20&22 I have always loved him and I have always wanted to apologize for making him feel like he meant nothing to me. That year, the box of letters I had that my ex had sent me through the years went missing...my boyfriend confessed to throwing it out. I was really mad, hurt and felt violated. I had wanted to keep those for mementos of him. Like I said, I never forgot our connection. I searched for him on both myspace and facebook. I could never track him down. For years, I looked periodically for him. No luck. Nothing. I found his brother, but my ex wasn't on his list. I figured he didn't have 1. He wasn't really the type anyway. Time passed, 6yrs to be specific, and his cousin (my friend that I haven't spoke to in 5years) friend requested me on facebook. I wasn't sure if I was going to add her, and decided to sleep on it. I woke up and decided I'd accept it. My friend and I had disconnected for personal reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with my ex. My ex and I had a very separate relationship from her. True, through my friend I met him, and we sometimes found ourselves on her doorstep at night looking for a place to crash (my mother is a psycho, we'll get to her later) but we got together on our own, without her and continued our relationship without her. I accepted her request the next morning. I waited all day for her to do something, like something, message me etc...she didn't. That night, roughtly 11pm she messaged me. My ex passed away about 12:30 that morning. Strangely, she requested me hours before he died, and i accepted overnight, essentially while he died. He was out alone, at 1230 in the morning in the rain on the train tracks and was hit by a train. It wasn't suicide. I don't know what happened, I've analyzed over and over how this happens, how don't you hear it and simply step off the tracks, right? The train goes on the tracks, you can move out of the way...off the tracks and be away from harm. I would think. Maybe he tripped, maybe he had his headphones on and it crept behind him....I will never know and it's no use to try to envision his last moments. I was shattered. The guilt, the remorse...the love. It all came rushing up to the surface. I had a dream about him 2 days after his death. He was in his cousin's living room (she long moved from that apt, but it's the place we consumated our love for the 1st time, and has special meaning.) His face was lit by candlelight, he was sitting in a chair, directly across from me, and I was  crying, explaining, asking for forgiveness...he kept saying "I understand" and "I know" and "it's ok" and comforting me. I woke up feeling peaceful, delighted, and like i had just seen him. I know he visited me. The day of his funeral, I didn't attend. I did, however, find his facebook page. Unbelievable. It stung my soul. If I had found that 7 days before I could have contacted him and made things right again.  To make matters worse, his brother was on his friends list, and according to comments on his pictures, had been for at least a year. I was astonished. I am a very good detective on the computer, how could i have missed him? In the box of his letters that my boyfriend callously threw out, were the only pictures of him I had. Everything I had of this man was in that box. I felt a blessing in the chance to lift pictures off of his page and saved them on my computer. Having lost my faith in God in the past few years (i'm a mess, but we'll get to that later) I am now second guessing myself and searching for something to believe in. A few days later I had another dream with him. We were cuddling in bed. I felt his body against mine. I reached for him, felt his hands, his arms, felt his hand on my chest....it was so real. I also got a message. It was to comfort his mother. I have never met his mother, and how awkward to confront a grieving mother by saying "hi, i'm the girl who made your son feel like a piece of shit, how are ya" I slept on it, and it came to me. I went on his legacy page and wrote a eulogy, gave his mother stories that showed what a kind gentle soul he was to me. I told her I loved her son, and that I would never forget him and I'd always hold him in my heart. I meant every word of it. I wanted her to know her son was a special person in my life. I know that's what he would have wanted me to do. He adored his mother, that much I know for a fact. He told me I looked like his mother all the time. He told me he wishes it was me who was the mother of his child (we met a day before his ex girlfriend told him she was pregnant) ...he felt like we were soulmates. I did too. I have never felt such a powerful connection with any other human being. I will never forget the moment we met. It was the most beautiful feeling I've ever experienced. It was the most powerful connection I have ever felt. Sometimes you just know when you find that person. I have been so guilty since his passing. I wrote him a long letter (the letter I should have replied back 6 years ago) and burned it to release it to the universe. I know he will get it. I feel his presence often. I feel like he is watching me. I have noticed an extra push to do things I normally put off. Like eating fruit for lunch and walking around the commons for excercise, instead of sitting my chunky ass down at burger kind and eating grease. I normally plan to do something healthy, but decide against it when it's game time. Since his death I have gotten an extra push to do squats, or to have a healthy lunch and exercise. That has never been me, I'm lazy and always have been an "i'll do it tomorrow" kinda gal. Since his death I've been just doing it and feeling good after it's done. I have been mourning him in private. I am still with the boyfriend that threw my stuff out, and he isn't cool with me openly talking about me ex, I can understand how that would be awkward, but I know if his ex died I would be more supportive. I mean, why are you so threatened by a dead guy? I have a memorial on my fridge. We put pictures of deceased loved ones, and obit's etc. His young nephew (21) passed 6 months ago unexpectedly of natural causes, it was so sad, and his picture, of course is on our fridge...a picture of him next to his friend, who also is deceased from a drug overdose a few years earlier. I never met the nephew's friend, but he's deceased and i have nothing against him. i feel bad for the kid. The only picture I have up is of my beloved cat, I had that cat since I was 2yrs old and she passed when I was 24. She was special to me. That's it. He has his mother, his nephew, the kid, his dog, his nephew's obit...and that's cool. That's why I made that a memorial. I put up my ex's obituary that had a picture of him that I printed off of the internet. Well that wasn't smart. My boyfriend noticed it immediately, snatched it down and proceeded to call my ex a "scumbag". So my ex boyfriend/friend who was splattered by a train can't have a small little corner but some kid that i have never met, and he didn't even know, who died from his own hand (in a way) I have to see everytime i swing open my fridge, but my ex, is a "scumbag?" That validated my feelings that i had to mourn in private. I have no friends, no family (we will get to that) and thus nobody to talk to but my boyfriend and he doesn't want to hear it. I am consumed with sadness and grief and have honestly been bitter about him throwing out all those letters. I really want them. That was all I had of this man who meant so much to me. I haven't said anything to him, it's no use and no matter what i'm always the bitch, so fuck it. It's not worth it because no matter what it won't bring them back. Fighting with my boyfriend will only make me feel worse, and God Forbid he die directly following an argument. I couldn't live with that. In the mean time i don't feel like i will ever get over this guilt. i just want him to know, i want to talk to him just 1 more time. i can't even believe it had to be him. of all my ex's, the 1 guy who would never of hurt me, i felt the need to hurt. i have a long line of asshole's trailing behind me. looking back, he is the 1 and only guy who made me feel special, beautiful, wanted. he made me feel loved and complete. not even my current boyfriend (of 6yrs) can make me, or ever has, made me feel like my ex did. nobody has. that's the worst of it. was i supposed to marry this guy and have a family? if we were together i can't imagine he would have been out alone at midnight on the tracks. did god stick me with a guy who i feel indebted to (for taking me in, supporting me until i could support myself) who makes me feel like a piece of shit most of the time, who lies to me, comes home high and insists he's not, and then i'm a "cunt" and everything else while he crashes? My ex NEVER would talk to me like that. i chose my current over my ex. i love my current, i am only listing the negatives because i am venting. he is a good guy, aside from his drug issue. he isn't violent or anything, he just isn't affectionate or very warm. my ex was. i like to feel warm and loved. who doesn't? i don't think i'm being cheated on, i would never cheat, we have been together a long while, but it's clear marriage and kids aren't in the cards. he wants neither. i always wanted both. i am getting older (i'll be 26) and time is of the essence. like i said, i feel indebted to this man. only since my ex passed away did i think that maybe god presented me with a choice, and if i chose my ex i could have saved him from his gory fate. and lived the life i always dreamed of with a man who i loved and who loved me back. now neither are in my future with his guy, who i love and don't want to leave, but sometimes i think maybe he is just temporary. i don't know. i know i don't want to leave him. i just have so much unsettled with my ex and i feel like such an arrogant shithead for the way i treated him the last times we communicated. now he's gone and he's all i can think about. it's so fucked up, and i should be talking to my MOM about all of this, being comforted by the woman who is supposed to be my best friend, but she's a mean, unpredictable psycho and i can't contact her for anything. it's so fucked up and i'm so devestated and lonely. one thing i know, at around the instant he died, i was up (very rare, i work early in the am) and listening to frank sinatra's "come fly with me" (WHY? that's not me) ...it now brings me comfort. "Once I get you up there, Where the air is rarefied, We'll just glide, Starry-eyed, Once I get you up there
I'll be holding you so near, You may hear Angels cheer, 'cause we're together" ... depending on your prespective.