Figuring out how to not allow my grief to be my identity

I think I have known for awhile that my grief is not supposed to be my identity. I think I know that my identity should be defined by the human I have become, despite my loss and my grief. However, trying to figure out who I really am seems to be both a struggle, and it's scary. I feel like I can only identify some of the things that I am and am not. I try to not highlight the things I don't really like about me. I try to focus on the positive things I know I am. But, I spend too much time with self-doubt, self-judgment, lack of belief in myself, and doubting the positive things others say about me. My grief has been a shroud on my shoulders all my life, and I feel like I have known that already for years. I only now realize on a deeper level how it has affected every aspect of my life. I have described myself as having a great gaping hole in my soul all my life. This feeling of grief has run like a polluted current under everything I have ever done, said, every relationship I have ever had, even every thought in my head. 

Figuring out who I am is really more tied to how I become a living legacy to the memory of my mother. I am not sure I can really grieve her loss when I never knew her in the first place. Do I instead grieve the loss of our relationship? Do I grieve what could have been, but never was? Do I focus on all the collateral loss that resulted from her death? 

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Comment by bluebird on April 6, 2021 at 6:40pm
That sounds like a good idea, looking for a therapist who specializes in grief. I hope you are able to find someone who is the right fit, and who can really help you.
Comment by Dixie Allison Duke on April 6, 2021 at 1:47pm

Yes, thank you. I have gone back to counseling as of several moths ago, and am working through a lot of this stuff. The only thing about my counselor is she is not trained or specializes in grief specifically. While therapy is good, I am now looking for someone who specializes in grief in my local area.

Comment by bluebird on March 10, 2021 at 3:13pm

Since this is in the blog portion of the site, I'm not sure if you want responses or not -- if not, feel free to ignore what I'm about to type.

Have you considered the possibility of seeing a therapist to help you work through this stuff? Sometimes therapy helps and sometimes it doesn't, but in your case I'm inclined to think it would help, based on what you've said. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what's going on with you and where you want to go, you just need some help sorting out how to get there.  

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"i no im bac 2 wear i wz in 2012 2012 2012 i wz  num disbelif angr denil juts watin on my slf hlp cds to gt in pots so i dmy fd do mistaks i did wen dad died  it nal proof thy neededin my brosrs goj  nuts evn mics nt typun on me me its…"
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Diana, Grief Recovery Coach commented on Diana, Grief Recovery Coach's group Grief Counseling
"I'm sorry for your losses Jo.  I agree, our Mom and Dad are our heroes.  We miss them terribly when they are gone. I talk to mine even though they are gone.  Perhaps they hear me.  We never really know for sure but I believe…"
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Diana, Grief Recovery Coach replied to Diana, Grief Recovery Coach's discussion Are you finding it difficult to eat right?
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dream moon JO B commented on Diana, Grief Recovery Coach's group Grief Counseling
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