I lost my husband 16 months ago. I have now come to realise that I never grieved our mourned for him. I knew he was going to die early, from the time we met, as he was chronically ill, and I had convinced myself that I was prepared to deal with the loss. We have a 6 year old daughter, who is the love of my life. In knowing he was going to die, I moved away from him, for the last 6 months. I put this decision down to survival. I thought being settled in a new (tiny) town, and establishing myself before he died, would make the transition to life without him easier. I have found out since, through reading his emails, that he was not going to stop treatment, until he knew I was okay and settled somewhere. This was one of the most selfish things I have ever done, because it broke his heart, but I was never going to cope living with him in the last months, unfortunately he had to move back to his parents and they had to look after him.Although I am very happy living where I do, and after knowing no one, have made a lot of friends and have a great support network. I was thinking I had to do what ever it took to stay strong, and not fall apart. On reflection I can see that this has helped me get to where I am today, but I had not dealt with one bit of sadness or grief. I started seeing someone, casually, pretty soon after he died, which I saw in two ways. Either I was going to be the luckiest person ever, to meet someone, so soon and that I would grow to love and we would be together for ever, or I was just trying to cover up my hurt and pretend I was ready to move on. I think the second scenario has proven right. A couple of weeks ago, we ( me, boyfriend and daughter) went to one of my dear friends wedding, and I have woken up to reality. Add to this I have recently stopped taking antidepressants, (which is good), but now I have lost the numbness they provided, and I think all this pain I have repressed is ready to come out. I know I am not depressed any more and my life is good. I just have this ball of grief and sadness inside. I was putting it down to anxiety and coming off the medication, making excuses, but the wedding really cleared things up for me. I am still in love with my husband, my heart is broken and those feelings you have for someone you are about to marry, and the way it feels when you are announced "husband and wife" is an amazing feeling. I don't feel this with the boyfriend and don't ever imagine I will. It seems a bit ridiculous that I am feeling all this now. I really thought it would be easier to move on. I wanted it to be easier. I built such a wall of defense from these feelings that I am now chipping away at. Which is how I came about this website. I am also doing guided meditations about grief, and have some sad movies to trigger some of these tears out of me. I was always a big crier, but somehow feel it's giving in and weakening, but I think I have to choose my timing of such things, carefully. I don't want to burden my daughter with my sadness, but also want her to let her sadness out too. Will write more soon