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blizzard of life
It is said that no two snowflakes are alike, so it can be thought that no two snowfalls are alike either. Death and the grieving it brings, can best be described as a snowfall.
For some it is a light snow, falling softly and quietly. For others its a blizzard with high winds that blur our reality, coming fast and furious burying everything we thought was real.
Many times the snow is unexpected. Granted the weather may of already been cold and bitter. Sometimes the sky is blue and clear just before out of no where the gray clouds appear and the sky begins to fall.
A quote by one woman referred to grief in this manner " One moment the sky looks clear, the light piercing blue of a winter mid afternoon. The next moment the sky is dark and falling on you. You have two options at this point; run inside and hide under the covers, or you can stand outside and let it fall around you and become a part of the change and allow it in turn to change you as well"
I think for the purpose of this article, in the lives of my fellow Survivors of Suicide family members - our winter has been long, full of a furious wind and has driven a blinding snow. That has forever changed the scenery of our lives and reality.
For many of us who now belong to the S.O.S family I think our first instinct upon the news of the death of our loved one was to run inside and hide. Perhaps to dive under the comforter in our life whatever that might be and never look out. To draw the blinds tight so we cannot be unsettled by what is happening outside around us. I would doubt that for any of our fellow family members our first instinct was to laugh in child like glee and dance in the falling snow.
But in time and with the help (should we accept it) just as with the worst snow storm possible - we can first open the blinds and gaze out at the changed scenery. We can marvel how something so devastating, full of furry, and fast coming could have even a hint of beauty to it.
In time perhaps we can even venture out cautiously at first into the snow, to look around. To witness the changed reality and scenery firsthand. We shiver against the cold. But then we realize something that we cannot help but to crack the smallest smile over. We are not alone in our new reality. Soon we are joined by others who too have been through the same horrible storm. Banding together we can realize that it is ok to once again laugh and play together.
Recently here in Maryland we had a surprise snow fall. A clipper system had moved through in the recent days dropping a few flurries but nothing that stuck around long enough to venture out into. As I went to bed the night prior I watched the news carefully. Just bitter cold, the snow would stay to the north and well west of us. Nothing would happen here in our area. I had a raging headache, and I remember tossing and turning all night sighing in frustration that I couldn't seem to get to sleep, finally drifting off into a fit full sleep.
I woke up to several inches of snow on the ground, and it was still falling quickly and steadily. Schools were already being canceled even though it was only 5 in the morning. Everything was covered in the snow and the plows were having trouble getting around to everyone in the neighborhood. A few neighbors had started to try to clear sidewalks and driveways but had already given up, due to the rate of the snow fall.
My own journey started much in this same way. Sure daddy had been depressed recently but he had just started a new medication and seemed to be doing better. His therapist had given my mom many reasons to hope. He preached two days earlier at our church and his sermon was full of inspiration and healing. For once he wasn't being critical of himself like he always had been before when preaching.
My family and I were on our first vacation that we had been able to take in years. We were excited. A day of fun had been planned at an amusement park and then finishing with a bonfire at the beach. But I couldn't sleep the night before, I tossed and turned all night.
Then without warning the call came from my brother. "You need to call mom now, Dad's gone. He's just... He's gone now" I sat in shock for a moment. I knew what my brother meant by "gone". Quickly my reality started to be altered into something I did not recognize. It became dangerous in my mind, and I wanted to hide somewhere safe, warm and inside. I quickly closed my life's blinds and huddled inside with family members, trying desperately to stay warm.
Over the past few years I have begun to venture out to see what the storm has done. I admit that some of my family still chooses to stay inside, briefly glimpsing through the blinds to see the outside world.
Many times the snow is unexpected. Granted the weather may of already been cold and bitter. Sometimes the sky is blue and clear just before out of no where the gray clouds appear and the sky begins to fall.
A quote by one woman referred to grief in this manner " One moment the sky looks clear, the light piercing blue of a winter mid afternoon. The next moment the sky is dark and falling on you. You have two options at this point; run inside and hide under the covers, or you can stand outside and let it fall around you and become a part of the change and allow it in turn to change you as well"
I think for the purpose of this article, in the lives of my fellow Survivors of Suicide family members - our winter has been long, full of a furious wind and has driven a blinding snow. That has forever changed the scenery of our lives and reality.
For many of us who now belong to the S.O.S family I think our first instinct upon the news of the death of our loved one was to run inside and hide. Perhaps to dive under the comforter in our life whatever that might be and never look out. To draw the blinds tight so we cannot be unsettled by what is happening outside around us. I would doubt that for any of our fellow family members our first instinct was to laugh in child like glee and dance in the falling snow.
But in time and with the help (should we accept it) just as with the worst snow storm possible - we can first open the blinds and gaze out at the changed scenery. We can marvel how something so devastating, full of furry, and fast coming could have even a hint of beauty to it.
In time perhaps we can even venture out cautiously at first into the snow, to look around. To witness the changed reality and scenery firsthand. We shiver against the cold. But then we realize something that we cannot help but to crack the smallest smile over. We are not alone in our new reality. Soon we are joined by others who too have been through the same horrible storm. Banding together we can realize that it is ok to once again laugh and play together.
Recently here in Maryland we had a surprise snow fall. A clipper system had moved through in the recent days dropping a few flurries but nothing that stuck around long enough to venture out into. As I went to bed the night prior I watched the news carefully. Just bitter cold, the snow would stay to the north and well west of us. Nothing would happen here in our area. I had a raging headache, and I remember tossing and turning all night sighing in frustration that I couldn't seem to get to sleep, finally drifting off into a fit full sleep.
I woke up to several inches of snow on the ground, and it was still falling quickly and steadily. Schools were already being canceled even though it was only 5 in the morning. Everything was covered in the snow and the plows were having trouble getting around to everyone in the neighborhood. A few neighbors had started to try to clear sidewalks and driveways but had already given up, due to the rate of the snow fall.
My own journey started much in this same way. Sure daddy had been depressed recently but he had just started a new medication and seemed to be doing better. His therapist had given my mom many reasons to hope. He preached two days earlier at our church and his sermon was full of inspiration and healing. For once he wasn't being critical of himself like he always had been before when preaching.
My family and I were on our first vacation that we had been able to take in years. We were excited. A day of fun had been planned at an amusement park and then finishing with a bonfire at the beach. But I couldn't sleep the night before, I tossed and turned all night.
Then without warning the call came from my brother. "You need to call mom now, Dad's gone. He's just... He's gone now" I sat in shock for a moment. I knew what my brother meant by "gone". Quickly my reality started to be altered into something I did not recognize. It became dangerous in my mind, and I wanted to hide somewhere safe, warm and inside. I quickly closed my life's blinds and huddled inside with family members, trying desperately to stay warm.
Over the past few years I have begun to venture out to see what the storm has done. I admit that some of my family still chooses to stay inside, briefly glimpsing through the blinds to see the outside world.
Perhaps that is where this finds you as well. Only daring yourself once in a great while a fleeting glimpse of your new reality. If that is the case, and if you take away only one thing from this, let it be that you are not alone and eventually the world does thaw out. Nothing will ever be the same again, but it will be safe enough to leave the safety of your life's comforter in time.
The same woman I quoted earlier also said "God is not the author of confusion, he likes to create happy endings. A miracle is a fragile thing. If you do not take care of it, you can let all the truth get twisted out of it". We cannot look at the death of our loved one be our ending. While their life has stopped, the best thing we can do to honor their memory is to keep living. To realize the miracle that was their life and not let the truth of that life get twisted out of it.
One of my greatest fears has been that people will only remember the manner in which my daddy died, and not the wonderful life that he lived. I am slowly learning to lean on God in this matter, but I also know that it is up to those of us left behind to keep that memory of the life lived alive. In doing so I hope to create a happy ending for my family that is left to survive with me. I am slowly beginning to understand that my father's death was not an ending of a book but rather of a chapter. That the story of my father continues even now, and will long after my children have lived. That it is up to us to keep that story going, and to ensure that the truth of how he lived is written about.
I was asked "how can you cope with your father's death? He killed himself doesn't that change how you look at him?". The simple answer and the most honest one that I can give is that - I am still trying to figure out how to cope with his death. It was sudden and without warning. Its left behind more questions then your average pre-school class could come up with in a year. But his death really doesn't alter the reality of how he lived his life. Which as a chaplain and a Christian was to help those in need, no matter what the cost to himself. I used to try to use that as an excuse for why he made the final decisions that he did, but it falls flat in my heart when I weigh it against the person I knew my daddy to be.
The same woman I quoted earlier also said "God is not the author of confusion, he likes to create happy endings. A miracle is a fragile thing. If you do not take care of it, you can let all the truth get twisted out of it". We cannot look at the death of our loved one be our ending. While their life has stopped, the best thing we can do to honor their memory is to keep living. To realize the miracle that was their life and not let the truth of that life get twisted out of it.
One of my greatest fears has been that people will only remember the manner in which my daddy died, and not the wonderful life that he lived. I am slowly learning to lean on God in this matter, but I also know that it is up to those of us left behind to keep that memory of the life lived alive. In doing so I hope to create a happy ending for my family that is left to survive with me. I am slowly beginning to understand that my father's death was not an ending of a book but rather of a chapter. That the story of my father continues even now, and will long after my children have lived. That it is up to us to keep that story going, and to ensure that the truth of how he lived is written about.
I was asked "how can you cope with your father's death? He killed himself doesn't that change how you look at him?". The simple answer and the most honest one that I can give is that - I am still trying to figure out how to cope with his death. It was sudden and without warning. Its left behind more questions then your average pre-school class could come up with in a year. But his death really doesn't alter the reality of how he lived his life. Which as a chaplain and a Christian was to help those in need, no matter what the cost to himself. I used to try to use that as an excuse for why he made the final decisions that he did, but it falls flat in my heart when I weigh it against the person I knew my daddy to be.
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