So next week, I fly out to LA to visit my mom and sister in the home, and celebrate Father's Day with Dad's best friend. He told me he never celebrated father's day before, and I told him, that now that's Dad gone, we will now start. As his honorary daughters, this is what we do. :) 

I'm both excited to see everyone, but also, dreading it. Dreading stepping into the house, as the last visit was horrible, upsetting, devastating. The house and home that I grew up in was cold, empty. Lonely.  All the family celebrations and holidays will be no more in that house.  I hate it.  The house full of love is now ice cold.  Dad's spirit is no longer there. It's gone.  I just feel it.  It's amazing how much of 'family' is wrapped up into a house. I hope I can walk into the front door. 

I saw a physic that last visit and while part of me wonders the reality of it, I also love the 'possibility' of it as well. The what if this really is true?  After the reading, I left floating on a cloud and felt a million times lighter. I opened the reading with only "my life is going through a lot of ups and downs and I wanted to know what to do". That was all.  She shuffled cards and looked at me: "Oh my, you have so much sadness around you, that it's almost unbearable isn't it."  I stared at her, she couldn't be more true.  "Don't worry," she said, "you are safe. You have so much anxiety but you are safe. I see a very kind man standing next to you. He has a message for you." I knew immediately it was Daddy.  "He wants you to know you did the right thing. You had a choice to make didn't you. He says you did the right thing. You did the right thing at the right time." It was only the next day I realized daddy's death at 2:25 pm on 2/25/11... the right thing at the right time.  I heard his message... and I did have a choice to make, either take him off life support to move him to a hospice center and wait for his heart to give out. I knew I made the right choice at that time.. but it was nice to hear it.

She said that he didn't believe in the after life, which was so true. And that the angel Gabriel showed him what it would be like and he understood and was ok with it.  He was always, 'when you're dead, you're dead."  I'm glad Gabriel showed him wrong.  She said he heard voices around his bed, and a strong deep voice, and knew that we would be safe. That day he decided to let go. That day was the day before I was to take him off life support, and me, mom, my sister and his best friend, hence the deep strong voice, were around his bed talking to him.  He knew his best friend would take care of us.  She also said that he also had a vision of his death, while standing next to a man with a deep strong voice, (his friend..) and hearing this scared me.  I didn't ask when this was because I didn't want to know.  How horrible to know that your death is coming soon? To have a vision?  It terrified me that he knew. 

She said so many other things, that he knew I would be successful and that he has seen me in NY with my business, my clients and my friends and understands why I love it so.  That he is ok with me being here, even though every visit was of him saying "when are you coming back home?"  She assured me that it was as a father talking, missing his daughter, and not that he wanted me to leave my business.  She said he couldn't understand why I wanted to live in cold new york, when there was warm sunny california. So true. He would laugh when I would tell him the inches of snow on the ground, to which he would always say; "well, YOU'RE the one that wants to live there." 

But the most favorite thing she told me was not to worry, that he would soon visit me in my dreams again. And to give him 4 months to get used to his new life and way of being, and that he would be back in my dreams.  My heart lit up after that.. because every night I pray that I see him again, that he can tell me he is ok and happy. And that he hears me telling him good morning every morning, and that he hears me talk to him every night. 

Four months will be the end of June........ I'll be waiting Daddy.  And I can't wait.