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I miss you.
I wish that was enough to accurately describe how I feel, but it does not even come close. I don’t just miss you; I feel so much more than a mere longing.
I miss your laugh, your lame jokes, your hugs, your voice, and your presence in my life. I miss your “hi” text in he mornings we weren’t together, the “be there soon” and the hours of time we spent together just talking and sharing our dreams and hopes. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I can’t say it enough.
I thought 365 days would at least put a dent in how much I hurt, but it hasn't. It’s been 365 of your absence, 365 days of missing you, 365 days of “being strong”. It’s been 365 days of trying to understand why. 365 days trying not to fall apart. It’s been 365 days and I feel everything stronger than ever, and it hurts so much more than this string of words could ever portray.
I don’t understand, I thought time was supposed to heal; it hasn’t healed anything, only replaced memories and has served as a constant reminder that you’re gone.
Happiness is seldom what I feel, no matter the smile on my face or laugh in my throat or twinkle in my eyes. It’s impossible to be truly happy when the only person who never left my side, who showed me what it felt like to feel valued, actually left and I will never get back. Every time I think I’m getting better, I remember what I was running from to begin with and am brought right back to the start.
I tried everything to accept that you were gone, or at least forget for just one second. I tried detaching myself from everyone. I wanted to be invisible, transparent, forgotten. I tried not to exist. I tried becoming overly involved in other things I pretended to be happy; I let myself be sad. I tried not to feel. I tried everything but, nothing brought you back, nothing changed what happened, nothing made this okay. You’re still gone.
I’ve felt more miserable the past few months, more so than usual. I know the past 365 days, I pretended to be ok and with your one year today since you’ve been gone, I couldn’t run anymore, I cant hide from the fact that I miss you. I have to face it and trying to be strong, is so difficult. The hole you have left inside me seems bottomless and empty.
Living this past year without you is not something easily put into words. It’s not something that I can describe in tear filled eyes to my friends and loved ones. This past year was painful. The most painful year of my life.
Time on this earth is just a fleeting glimpse. But when you are stuck in this time, it feels like forever. It feels like forever since I saw your face, heard your voice or touched you. It’s the little everyday things that I miss the most. Grief does something to a person. You are never the same. I will never be the same.