My father in law's house has sold, which is good, but it's still weird how we "erase" everything as if they were not here. Of course we still have some of the things from my husband's parent's, and i have some of my mom's things but mostly we had to get rid of so many things, and it only makes sense to do that. My mom's dresser is gone in dad's room, which is also good but was weird. 

I had a few really rough weeks. I don't know if it's because I feel like I remember so much of heaven…

You know, miracles really are everywhere. My husband's aunt, whom I love dearly, was with us when my father in law passed. She's the oldest sister. He's the 2nd sibling she has lost. My father in law LOVES this book, and couldn't stop raving about it. Patty found it, it was the only one on the shelf and it jumped into her hands, she swears she barely reached for it. Anyway, she sent it to me now, maybe knowing how lost I feel right now.  And it's working. It's a pretty awesome…

Well here is how fast this fall happened. 

Today was a great day! I told you. Just before. In the post JUST BEFORE this. Then my friend asked if I could go to the grocery store for her. I do NOT have panic attacks, but since all this loss, I FREAK OUT in there. It's stupid, but i leave in tears every time. And i usually never get everything i needed, because at some point i just have to GET THE HELL OUT AND AWAY. But I'm trying, right? I am nothing if not trying, so I said…

I think I felt my soul expand to make room for the mad and sad. Because I feel BETTER but not because of a lack of mad and sad. I feel better because I think...I expanded. I can feel joy much better now.  I mean, I have not had to try so hard to LIVE in such a very long time. I am doing everything RIGHT, I am being outside and barefoot as much as possible, I am eating well and drinking my favorite tea and taking epsom salt baths and chanting NICE things in my head like I AM LOVE instead of…

The Parable of the Snowflake



Once upon a time there was a snowflake. It’s name was Sara. Sara the Snowflake had a brother named Sam. Sam the Snowflake.



Sara and Sam both lived a good life—but they feared for the day that they would die, melting away into the nothingness. Then one day the Snow Angel appeared to both of them. “A snowflake is eternal. Did you know that?” the Angel said, and then the Angel explained:



“The…

Okay, I got some good ME work done yesterday but I am scared that I have a lot of work to do. It's the anger! Have you noticed that it's unacceptable to be angry? I'm mad and it's not okay to let it out in PUBLIC so I'm going to practice doing it here and hopefully it will help. 

1. I'm so mad that we had to act like nothing was wrong when mom got her ass kicked by cancer. We had never dealt with an illness in our family before, and both parents were healthy. It was bullshit…

I'm so tired and confused. 

Before I launch into my sad, I should tell you that for the first time since my father in law passed last month, I felt all the way back to myself normal over the weekend. The cabin (where we went) was a HUGE deal to me, because it is SO MY MOM. I mean, it's HER. It's where she lived, it's where her family is, it's HER cabin.  It is my mom, summed up in one spot. So I had tons of anticipation and missing regarding that, and got there and was FINE! It was the…

I have made a new friend, and she thinks that i'm a gift to her, but it's actually that she is a gift to me. Her mommy passed the day before Mother's Day, and she is the only child. So she is caring for her grief stricken father, and her husband is as lost as she is.  

She has started to notice signs from her mom- the most recent and awesome was when she was in an antique store there was a bucket of coins from around the world. She pulled one out which had a 10 on it (her mom passed…

I know I'm "too young" to feel this way, and I did not lose a spouse. I lost parents. Three parents. I was not the full time care taker for any of them, but I was a 100% support person for all of them as well as my dad and with my sister in law who was just about full time with my father in law.

What I mean to say is that for 3 years straight- and I know that isn't a long time in the scope of things, but it felt like a long time- I was helping with sick and dying parents and the…

I'm sure all of this is cumulating for a reason, a point, I will be pushed over the edge and give birth to a wonderful insight, or do something amazing with my Knowingness. 

But right now, I'm just drowning. 

It was mother's day yesterday, my first without my mommy, and the month anniversary of Mike's passing. Losing 3 parents in such a short amount of time is hard enough, without doing double firsts like we are now. 

My husband failed yesterday, but he is grieving also…