"i miss mom so mush i do"
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Vicki A.
- Female
- Salinas, CA
- United States
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- About Me:
- I'm retired, 64 years old. My grown boys are not nearby and are very busy with their own lives. This was a 2nd marriage for myself and my husband. We were married for almost 15 years. His daughters, have distanced themselves from me. I'm so lonely but not for another relationship. My 5 siblings are dead as are my parents. All died tragically. My parents both died with cancer.
- About my Loss:
- My husband died April 12, 2016. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2003, 2 years after our wedding. He went thru surgery, the tumor was a complicated type, so all couldn't be removed. He went thru radiation and chemotherapy. As time goes by he was stable and eventually determined to be cancer free. He had many problems and pain even though he was "cancer free". Speech and comprehension as well as memory problems were basically daily issues for him. Then at the beginning of March 2016 he was sent to the hospital for lab work and had transfusions & platelets. The next day he was back in the Dr's office for a bone marrow test. The results were MDS (a precursor to Leukemia). The chemo was brutal and he couldn't complete the full 5 days every 4 weeks. In fact the 2nd dose he collapsed and I called 911, where he stayed 4 days in the hospital. While there they gave him 2 more doses. Then he had 4 weeks off. His next session was worse. He became weaker each day. I had no help except for Hospice, they came on a Sunday, he suffered and without the pain meds that Hospice provided, it would have been unbearable. He died at 4:20 am on Tuesday. I was beside him in bed, noticed he was trying to reach for me and was trying to breathe but was having difficulty. I called Hospice they came quickly, but he died as I was unlocking the door for them.
I'm lost without him. I cry daily, I have only 3-4 real friends, but because I had to care for him, I have isolated myself and don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to go on without him but feel like that's not the answer. Not sure what to do. The first week I was busy and my oldest son came out from VA to help me out. He said that if I wanted he was prepared to move me from CA to be closer to his family. My 2 other sons live 2-3 hours away, but have busy lives and families of their own. I'm not sure if I could tell them how lonely and depressed I am because I don't think they could help and I'm afraid of pushing them further away. I've considered moving closer to them but I don't feel comfortable do it yet.
I'm not sleeping well. I had lost 20lbs due to the stress, but I needed to do that because I have diabetes as well as high blood pressure. The weight loss made me feel better but then the depression hit me and dragged down to the point where it was all I could do to get up and make myself eat. Afterward I went back to bed. I had no motivation or energy to do anything. I have guilt because his wishes were to be cremated and no service of any kind. This may have caused his daughters to be angry with me, but they didn't say anything about this. In fact they live 45 minutes away but didn't come to see him after his diagnosis. I asked them to please keep me in the family and not to forget me. But they uninvited me from a "Mothers Day" brunch. I don't know why this happened, but their Mom may have felt uncomfortable with me but I felt we had a good relationship in the past. The hurt I felt was because my husband's Mother had come from GA to take some of my husbands ashes back with her so she could bury them with other family members. Knowing I wasn't going to be there for Mothers Day, I took the ashes to her the day before. We did go to lunch, but the ex-wife came along and I didn't get to have the talk I wanted to have with her, face to face. I love her so much and always will. She's 84 and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to see her again. These issues weigh heavily on my heart and add to my sadness. Don't know where to find the strength & support for myself. Groups aren't the way for me and I hope maybe someone can understand my feelings and emotions and maybe an idea from another would help me.
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