Delving Eye
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About my Loss:
Hi everybody. I'm new to this thread, which I found while surfing online to see how other widows are coping.

My husband of 40 years died six months ago after a year-long battle with bladder cancer. I'm so glad his pain is over, but now mine is greater than ever. I'm living in some kind of twilight zone.

Our 2 children live with me and if it weren't for them, I would have bought a one-way ticket to Switzerland, which is to say, I'd have checked out.

Life is hardly worth living, and I consider myself among the walking dead. But because I have to go on until my son and daughter are on their own, I've started keeping a journal. It helps a lot, even when the entries say nothing more than: "I took a walk and cried the whole way."

I know many other widows are in far greater distress than I, and I feel grateful for the good things I do have. At the moment I'm financially comfortable (hope that lasts), and my children and I are in good health.

Still, I have suffered a loss from which I will never fully recover. I fall asleep hoping to die every night, and then I wake up and the nightmare continues.

One solace is that I know there's an afterlife (I've had signs and messages from the other side), which helps immensely. I also consulted three psychics to help me get some kind of answer to how my husband is doing and what my future is.

They all said similar things, especially about when I'd meet someone else -- though it's impossible to imagine myself with anyone, ever. I asked the most recent psychic when I'd die, hoping she'd say soon. Instead, she told me to hang onto my hat, I had another 30+ years to go. "A full generation," is how she put it. Christ! I cannot last 30 years. I often feel I cannot last 30 minutes. But she said I'd meet someone I could marry in 2-3 years. I'll be 65 by then (my kids say I don't look it, bless them).

Then again, if I were able to find love (the only thing worth living for), I'd be happy to stick around and try to enjoy life again. Otherwise, 30+ years of existence would just be a slow death sentence.

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