"i miss mom so mush i do"
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- About my Loss:
- I found out yesterday (July 22, 2014) that my friend who I have known since I was 17 passed away. He was 30 years old. He has had a lot of years of drug and alcohol addiction and a lot of issues stemming from them. He called me his angel and said that I always knew the right time to get in touch with him and help pull him out of his low points. He has been on and off of the addiction battle for as long as I can remember. The longest he has been off was 7 months, but life turned stressful and he started reaching for the cocaine again. I continued to stand by his side and offer an ear to talk to. I didn't live in the same city as him, but I always made sure to check on him to ensure he was okay. I had been trying for about a month to get in touch with him but I didn't receive replies from him at all. It wasn't until I decided to check his facebook yesterday that I saw something posted on there referring this person's friend who just passed on. From there i was able to find his obituary online. Cue the breakdown. Tears, sobbing, guilt, everything. We had no mutual friends so there was nobody who would have thought to get in touch with me, so I missed his funeral. My opportunity to say goodbye to my friend. I don't know how he passed away yet. But in my heart I know it was either an overdose or suicide. I'm waiting for a call from someone that I was able to track down who knew him. I am now stuck with a huge amount of heartbreak as well as feelings of guilt. What if I had tried harder? What if I had actually sent all those texts that I thought about sending but never did. What if I picked up the phone and actually tried calling him? What if I had tracked him down in his city when I was there just a few weeks ago. What if. What if. What if. What if. I keep being told that you can only help an addict so much before they have to help themselves. But I was the one person he said he could always rely on to help pull him through. And I feel like I have failed him. If I had just made more effort then maybe he would still be here today. I know that he has been fighting the demons of addiction for a long time, and deep down in my heart I know he is in a better place and he doesn't have to fight anymore. But my friend is gone. Forever. I can't just send him a text to say hi. I can't write him an email and expect to receive a huge one back from him. I can't see his smiling face in his facebook photos anymore. He'll be forever stuck at 30 years old and he'll never get to live the life he truly wanted. My heart is crushed into a million pieces right now.
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