Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
When we were little, my sister was my best friend. She aggravated my brother and I to no end, but I always took her with me everywhere. We played barbies, we had pet rabbits, my friends were her friends, ect. That all came to an end when she was around 4-5 and I was 9-10. Her mom and my dad split up. I never touched a barbie again, neither did she. I went to live with my grandma. She and my brother moved out of state with her mom. I want to say it was close to 2-3 years before I seen her or my brother again. Things were changed by then. I felt akward with them and to a certain extent, I still do.
In the past year or two, my sister and I had grown close again. We talked whenever we could and in March I was even able to make a trip to Texas to see her (I live in Missouri..). She was beautiful, as always. By this time she was 19 and had a baby girl who was 5 months old. I remember seeing her pull up and get out of her SUV. I remember seeing her hang up her cell and shove it in her back pocket. Then, she walked over and hugged me for what seemed like forever at the time. We spent that night playing with her daughter and reminising over old times with our brother. I felt whole for once. We talked until real late. Then, when we all went to bed, Amber and I laid in her bed talking until we passed out. It was a really good night. The next morning, I got up with her baby. I remember looking back and seeing her sleeping. Amber really was beautiful.. inside and out.
She took me back to where I was staying that morning. I remember coming out of the restroom at my hotel and hearing her trying to convince my mother in law to move to Texas . We were already considering it and she thought that putting her talk game on Barb would seal the deal. She left shortly after that, I remember rushing out to the balcony and seeing her drive off. My heart sank that day and part of it flew off with her. If I had known it was going to be the last time I seen her, I wouldn't have let her go.
She was murdered last month. You can google her [Amber Chantel Elkins] because I don't want to go into details. I just wanted to get this off of my chest because I'm having trouble figuring out how to feel. I miss her so much. I feel like part of me is missing and for the life of me, I can't figure out how to fix it. I have dreams about her and when I close my eyes, I see her. It's hard to even sleep anymore. I cry easily, but only when I'm alone. Somehow I feel like I should be able to pick up and like I have before, but I can't seem to push myself forward. I keep falling apart and I have no one that understands. IDK... :(
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Ashley Nicole,
I don't really have any idea what to say but just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that this happened to your sister. I know you must be hurting so much and I hope that people will respond just to sort of give you an online "hug" and let you know that we know what a nightmare this must be for you. Your message was so beautifully and tenderly written, you must be a very special person, yourself.
I hope that your next days and weeks and months will be filled with people who will give you hugs and will listen and be there for you.
Bless you!
Teresa
Teresa H,
Thank you for your words and the online hug. I've actually had alot of people around me, but I'm not usually a really touchy feely person with more than a select group, but if it makes any sense... they haven't helped much. I guess I keep being afraid of "piling too much on them". I guess in a way I hoped someone out there knew what I was going through and I could talk to them instead. I guess I'm just looking for someone to vent to.. someone that understands and needs someone there thats, sadly, in a similar position.
Ashley Nicole,
I know what you mean about not being touchy-feely... I dare say your friends wish they could say or do something to comfort you but don't have any idea what. I remember the first time I went through the death of a friend's father... I'd never been through death, before. I stayed totally away from her for weeks, thinking that she needed her "space" and time to be with her family. I didn't really have any idea what to do. Later, she told me that she would really have loved for me to come by the house and just be there. So I learned from that and I try to be there for my friends and family, now, when they lose someone.
That said, this is a good place to reach out and to say what you need to say.
Blessings,
Teresa
They've tried and it does make me feel good to have such a support system around me, but at the same time I kinda just wish I could write down or tell them exactly how I feel. I don't know how to. My husband, for example, lost his dad suddenly when he was 15. He rarely talks about it. If I'm not mistaken, I believe he's one of the people that actually found him. Anyway, it was/is obviously pretty rough for him, but it almost seems as if he believes that it's a similar situation and that by now I should be past it. I have my days with it and some are defintely harder than others, but I just find it hard to talk about it with anyone not online because they just get quiet.. akward or they want to know every little detail and I dont want to give it.
This place has actually helped alot so far. I guess I feel good knowing I'm "not the only one". I start counseling on Thursday. I'm hoping I'll be able to "come to terms" with everything before too long. *sigh*
Hi Ashley,
My heart hurts for you. I don't have the same situation that you have gone through, but I can understand the feeling that you missed out on part of her life and now she is gone. when I was 23 and my sister was 21 I moved to Nova Scotia from California. It was a great change in my life, but it wasn't a good change for her. I missed out on a lot of things in her life, and a lot of opportunities to help her through some bad decisions that she had made. 6 years later she passed away in her sleep, I hadn't seen her in a year, and hadn't talked to her in almost that long because she was bitter at me. Just like you though if I would have known the last time I saw her, was going to be the last time I heard her laugh or saw that smile with those dimples, I would have held onto her and never let go.
I am always here if you would like to chat or e mail back and forth. It is important to connect with someone and share your feelings so that they don't eat away at you. I didn't know your sister, but I know she would want you to go on living, because thats what sisters want for each other.
I wish you love, healing, and patience for yourself to grieve.
*hugs*
Steph
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