For the last three weeks I have been unable to feel anything but anger and numbness. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. Everything annoys me. I don't want to be around friends or family. I have lost 10 pounds. I don't know how to end this. My finance was killed in an auto accident. He was in a coma and eight days later he died. I cried like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and now I am angry and numb.

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I am so sorry. I understand feeling angry and numb, as my husband's death has affected me in the same way. I also find that everything annoys me, and it's partly because of that that I often have a hard time being around friends or family.  I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thank you bluebird,

It helps to know that I am not crazy. Things annoy me to the point I have to stay away from people. I don't want to talk to people in person. I just want to be alone. I don't feel that I am me anymore. I am someone else. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished. Sometimes I feel like I am holding on by a thread. So thank you. It helps that I am not alone when I am alone.

All perfectly valid reactions in response to your fiancé's death, including the part about not feeling that you are you anymore (I feel that way, too). Hopefully participating on this website will help you a bit -- there are definitely others here besides you and I who have lost a spouse/partner.  You may also want to consider speaking with a therapist or spiritual advisor -- I haven't done that, but some people do find it helpful.

I will be speaking to rwo next week. I just don't want to be view as crazy. Even thought I feel that way. I know I'm emotionally all over the place. Thank you for talking to me. Seems like it's hard to get help. Please don't leave.

No therapist would view you as crazy for feeling as you do.  You might want to see one who specializes in grief, if neither of the two you already have set up do (and if they don't work out for you). 

Of course you're all over the place emotionally -- how could you not be, given what happened? It would be more surprising if you weren't, really.

No need to thank me -- those of us in this shitty situation have to do what we can to help each other. I won't leave this site, but I'm not on it very often anymore...but I do receive an e-mail notification when anyone responds to a thread in which I've posted, so if you post here again I'll get that e-mail to let me know.  Feel free to also visit my thread if you like, which I started about a year after my husband died -- it's located here

Thank you. I have to thank you because it helps to talk to someone who understands. I am glad I can contact you because right now you are my life line. Yesterday was horrible. When I think I am handling this, I loose it, I get really angry and then I just sit in a chair and stare into space. This is s horrible state of being. Going to stay in contact with you. Thank you.

Absolutely! Of course you can post in this thread (or in my thread, or in any other thread) at any time; also feel free to send me a message via this site if you want to. {{{{hugs}}}}

Thank you

Sharron, how did the therapist visits go?  I also went to several...actually tried to get them to declare me as crazy.  They wouldn't...just hurting.  I can relate somewhat to your loss and emotions being ALL over the place (do you find yourself repeating storylines alot?), and 35 years later it still hurts.  Maybe not as much everyday, comes in waves and one has been crashing down on me currently.

Just checking in and letting you know that you are not alone in the experience, even if the journey is unique.

Hi Speed,

Thank you for replying. I have a therapist. She listens and says I am emotionally grieving. Apparently there are two types emotional and physical. She says I emotionally attach to him because I am independent and did not need to be taken care of. Not sure what that means since we were planning our wedding. I am still all over the place and she also told me I was not crazy but I think I am because I make no sense to me. I had a meltdown in a public place and I could not control it. Triggers everywhere and sometimes I feel like jumping in a hole. My brain will not shut off. It's like a movie of me and him that just keeps playing. Mine comes in waves but when it comes it's brutal. Thank you for reaching out because you made me feel less alone. Hope you check in again and I will too. Thank you so much.

As you have mentioned, and Bluebird commented on as well, the waves can crash down and punish an otherwise great day.  Sometimes I just wish I had a camera to videotape the reactions around me.  The mad rush for the door from others.

Grief sucks!  And we all go through it, but just have no idea how to handle seeing it around us.

How has your support system (friends, family) been holding up for you?

I have found the waves to decrease in intensity over time, but I can still encounter a trigger that makes me wonder if there is such a thing as getting over, by, through, or whatever.

Hi Speed,

I thank you for your insight. I am checking in. The therapist is somewhat a waste of time. I feel like I am getting textbook phrases that are suppose to make me get over all this. I don't see it. In this short period of time I am learning how much alone this process is. Not giving up on the therapy but journaling is not what I need.

I am subjected to different triggers and it is exhausting. valentine's day I was doing ok until I left my home. I had a break down in my car just because someone at starbucks asked me how my day was going. I spend most days trying to figure out what I am suppose to do now, because honestly, I don't know where I am going. I function, I do stuff. What's missing is heart. I think mine is dead and much of what I do has no heart, no soul, no life. Since 2/1, I have been to a dance, the movies, dinner and some other things. The old me found deep joy and fun in these activities This me is going thru the motions. Most time I feel like a zombie inside and look normal outside. 

His family is trying to contact me but I want them to go away. I don't respond to any of them because I see them as lying vultures...I don't need it. Friends are contacting me and I respond but after they are gone, I go back to this dead zone. The anger is intense and I spend some of my time trying to keep a handle on it. I am done with religion and that is one trigger that makes me super angry. It's never ending and I get exhausted over almost everything except when I stay home. Hope you are doing better than me because I need to see someone survive this hell.


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