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After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate
I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Bernor on
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carol i am with you hon, my husband and best friend died 10 days ago. with no warning. he had had a heart attack 18 months ago but he was doing ok.taking all his meds ,trying to manage life in general. he was sitting at his computer started having chest pains,called for our 17 yr old to help he got him over to the bed took two nitro and laid down sent cody to get the ice bags ,as with the pains he would get very hot and sweaty,when cody came back with the ice , he saw his dad wasnt breathing,called 911,and me i was at work. ems worked on him for two hours but there was nothing left. the inferior wall of his heart had blown. they call it sudden cardiac death. he was only 48. i am only 43, and have three young sons. Cody whos 17, jonah whos 19 , and Jordan who is 23. jordan is special needs,has aspengers (High function autistic.) Mark and I had been together since I was 15. 28 yrs. i feel lost alone scared and angry that life has crapped on me again.
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Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on
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Robyn, thanks for your reply. I am truly sorry for your loss too. I think it is so much hard to understand when it just happens, even though they may have been sick but were doing ok. Rob and I met in 1967 when I was 15 and he 16 at the NY State Ice Skating Rink in Flushing Meadow park. We knew the minute we met were were meant for each other. But in time people and circumstances drew us apart. But in 1988 we got in touch again and it was like we were never apart. In 1989 we got married. I am so grateful for those 21 years but I am also feeling sorry that I didn't have more time. I know it's hard, esp. because you have children and I can imagine what they are going through. I have to yorkies that are just so listless, but I'm giving them all the love I have to give right now. They are my saving grace. I met a lady at Curves where I work out, I started back last week. She lost her husband in January. We are metting at curves to work out then have lunch. I'm hoping she can give me some guidance. I don't have any friends, so it is especially hard for me. My husband just wanted it to be Carol and Rob and that's how it always was. And neither of us had any complaints. My heart goes out to you and your children, and I pray you too find the strenghth to get through this heartfelt time. Do you have family to help you through this? I only have two nephews here, but they have too much drama in their lives for me. but they have been here for me the last three weeks, thankfully. I lost my Dad 9 years ago, and thankfully i hdad my husband to help me through it but now i have to really go through it alone. I wish you all the best. I am also scared and trying to deal with the half of me that is also gone forever. But thankfully they will be in our hearts and minds forever.
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Carol
I m so sorry for heard about your loss. I know its so hard time for you and you can't believe it. My uncle had heart attack 3years ago and its really shocked me. I miss him so much.
When we lost our loved one, its painful tragedy for us. No one can around us without our loved ones. I know you need your husband but you can trying to move on. You can also trying to deal with your pain with help of grief counseling. My condolences and prayers with you.
condolence message
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Permalink Reply by Lori Novoa on
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Hello Carol: We lost our husbands almost the same time, my husband died on August 7th we were together for 22 years. My husband was also dealing with medical issues but was doing much better. We were coming back from a boat ride on the lake that he loved so much and he started speaking with confusion that he did not feel good, he had trouble talking as his mouth was slurring. I got him to the car, he shook his arms a couple times and his head sunk back against the head rest. I administered CPR for a half hour but he was gone right away, now that I look back on all of it. I, like you have this whole moment going over and over through my head like a movie that never stops. The impact of seeing him dead and in my house as the color drained from his face just plays over and over and over. There was no warning just as Robyn mentioned...he just left...no goodbye...no nothing...just one moment gone. I am sorry that you do not have alot of friends to call on, that is one thing that I built a base on and is helping me. Please consider me a friend and feel free to share with me any time you feel like it. I have two dogs and three cats that like you that I adore and they are my lifeline right now. Days are long, nights are so painful and even though the sun is shining I cannot see the light....it is truly devastating to lose a spouse. I never knew it would be so hard.
Robyn: I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband was very young. I also send my thoughts to your children. It is so very hard for all of you I am sure. It is as if someone has torn everything apart and the space left is so deep and so wide. You are lucky to have your children around you to grieve together for this loss. I know the feeling of anxiety that you feel. All of my decisions were made together with my spouse. Now, I must make all the decisions for now alone and that is a scarey thought. I learned so much from my husband about business, life, and so many other things. He was my guide and my mentor in all that I did. It feels very lonely not to have his advice that I relied on so much. You have an even greater responsability with your kids that will be hard going forward without their Dad around. Please know that I am also here for you. Sharing with others who are also grieving is what many others have recommended for me so here I am.... Lori
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Lori, I am so sorry for your loss. I think the way it happened to you was so much worse. At least we had a great weekend and a great evening before he went to sleep. I keep wondering if he had woken me up sooner I might have been able to do something. But the memory I can't get out of my head or eyes is when they took him off the ventilator. Looking at him with color in his face and feeling his warm face and hands and then an hour later he was so cold and ashen, I don't think that picture will ever leave my head. I'm so glad you have support around you. I am looking into counseling to handle my feelings and some support groups, also thinking it might help me make some friends. It's so hard when two people are so so close and love each other so much and they are here and happy one minute and then gone the next. It's like when will we ever wake up from this nightmare. I feel like I really don't want to live without him, but I know hopefully someday that will pass. But I don't see that happening any time soon. I am here for you too, although with me being such a wreck I don't know how I can be of any help to you, but I am here. Lots of Hugs to you.
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Thank you Carol, you are help to me and others. Just sharing our experiences has already made me feel that I am not alone in this nightmare (as you say). Knowing that others are having the same thoughts and concerns is helpful in realizing that our emotions are normal and okay for what has happened to us. I am putting pictures all around my house of the good times we had so that I focus on those times not the day he died. I keep reminding myself that there was only one day in his life that he died but there were thousands of days in which he lived so I need to focus on those which make up the the bulk of his life. You like me are going through post traumatic shock as we witnessed the passing of someone so close to us. It will take us time to get over that. Therapy will help. It was suggested that I write down everything that happened that day, that way my mind will not be so adamant about repeating it over and over. Interview the people who were around you to help fill in the gaps about what might be missing. This has helped me. My husbands best friend was with me when it happened and he had a totally different view of everything which helped me to put some of the pieces together and start to accept what happened and what I saw and stop the film that goes over and over in my mind. Hugs to you too.
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Lori, I know this is going to sound crazy. But don't you find looking at all the pictures and the happy times you had feel worse? I look at all the pictures in my house and all the things that remind me of him and it all just tears me up inside and yet I can't put them away I took a video of him watching a horror movie a few weeks before he passed away and forgot about it. And when I was crying one night and thinking I will never hear him say I Love You again, I found that video. And in that video, twice he says I Love You and I end up crying my eyes out. I don't play it too often because it tears me up inside. I even call his voicemail before I go to bed. I feel like I'm torturing myself. On one level, it makes me feel like he's still here, but on the other level I know he's not and then I feel worse, because I know those happy times ahead will never be for us. How do you handle that?
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carol and lori. sorry i am not so good about writing back. Life has been wierd,(er) I am back to work,and it is helping some of the time, but like yesterday,I had stopped at a store for a couple of things,and Out of the corner of my eye,I could have sworn he was right there. I looked quick and noone was there. I immediatly started with waterworks. Once I start I cant seem to stop. My one month will be this week. I started a grief support group at the very hospital where he died. Once a week,come and cry with us. I guess its ok. have either of you ladies experienced anything that borders on paranormal? This is going to sound freaky and maybe its my mind going,but I keep finding feathers,everywhere. My husband felt his native american heritage very strongly,so..could this be a link or am I bonkers?
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Robyn, by no means to I think you are bonkers. Many people say their can actually feel their loved ones around them. I wish I could, I only feel his loss right now. It was 5 weeks for me last thurs. It almost feels like a year. Ths has been the longest 5 weeks. Maybe those feathers are sign, cherish them. I'm hoping to start counseling and joining a group sometime after this week. My car has been in the shop since wed and I don't know when I'm getting it back, so I've been going crazy all alone at home. Thankfully I have plenty of people calling me, but no one to actually sit down and talk with or go somewhere with. Again, by no means do I think you are bonkers. My thoughts are with you.
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Hi Robyn and Carol, thanks for sharing. Yesterday was the one month anniversary of his death, I made it through okay I guess but I had my share of tears on and off. With seeing his pictures my reaction is to thank god for such a great time we had but at the same time I also feel sad that I will never get to be with him again so it is mixed emotions. I am however focusing more on the past and not on the day he died...those memories are fading. I am going to start therapy on Friday, one of my friends is a therapist. Today I went to the country club and emptied out his locker. The workers there had put a black ribbon on the door of the locker room and on his locker and I asked them why they did that and they said because he was so loved by all the people who worked there and they wanted to do something special. I lost it and sat in the men's locker room crying my eyes out. There are so many memories of us playing golf there I was unable to play golf today so just came home instead. I guess I am not ready, will try again another day. Carol, I do not see what you are doing as torturing yourself, I see it as super normal. I do things like that, for example I play the song that I had at his funeral, and cry my eyes out...I think it is part of the mourning process. I know that some day I will hear that song and not cry...but it is okay if I still cry right now. By the way, it is a song by Josh Grobin called...To where you are....I love the words...it describes so much of how I feel....if you listen, have a kleenex near by. As far as feeling my husband around me, I know he is here....he came to me at the funeral, he sleeps next to me still....my cats will not sleep on his side of the bed because I believe they think he is there. He is near me when I sit at his desk, he is around the house, my grandaughter saw him once. I believe they are with us every day and that they are watching over us and helping us to heal. They do not want us to suffer and they are trying to help us. I had some difficult financial news shortly after he died that I worried about but in two days everything was resolved...I know he had a hand in it and he guides me to the right decisions. The problem is that our emotions get in the way of seeing the signs, we are not programmed to recieve signs from them...so we don't percieve them. One day he sent me a beautiful bird that sat outside my window for at least 15 minutes when I was talking to him. The bird sat there on top of a statue that he prayed to every day and just listened to me talk to him. That is no coincidence, that is him and the hand of God in all of this. I believe those feathers are from your husband, no doubt. I am thinking of you both today. Robyn, what day is your one month?? Any tips on the 6-9 PM hour....I find that is the hardest for me....that was the time we really connected. Take care of yourselves, Lori
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Lori, for some reason I feel your a little more together than I am right now. It's 5 weeks for me and I am really having trouble. As soon as I get my car back, hopefully tomorrow, I am making an appt. for counseling and will try to join some grief groups. My husband, because he was on dialysis was always with me most of the time. So I miss him all the time, but I guess the nights are hardest. I wish I could feel Rob the way you do your husband. I just feel his loss right now. I just pray we all have the strength to get through this sad and lonely time and we see easier times ahead and not think of our husbands sadly, but just how much we loved them and the good times we had, not always how much we miss them, although we always will. You take care of yourself too.
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Carol, I cry all the time, there is never a day that I do not feel bad about him being gone. I wish I could be with him...today I was destroyed that I would never play golf with him again. I can only try to work on positive thoughts and try to celebrate the past...that is all I have right now. I try to open my mind and try to feel him.....open your mind and your soul and you will feel him....look at the garden, the butterflies and all the beautiful things in the world...he will send you love through beautiful things. Don't question what you see and what you feel...just let it flow through. Be kind to yourself. Lori
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