I was busy today, bathed the animals, brushed them all out which is a  huge job with 1 himilayan cat, 1 maltese, 2 poodle crosses.  After everyone was blown dry and looking good we played inside for awhile before one of the dogs, the 4 year old foster Ive only had for a month started to dance around letting me know she wanted to go outside.  It was great, she was not good in the house when I got her so this was a giant step for her.  As I was bouncing and clapping and humming in excitement that she had done such a great thing I was stopped in mid stride with an overwhelming sence of horror that I was smiling, happy, practically singing for heavens sakes.  For a few minutes there the cloud of grief was gone, lost in space and time, but it came back like a slap in the face and I have been crying all afternoon.  Has anyone else had that feeling of guilt over being happy?  I know both my son and my husband would want me to be happy.  How can I not want that for myself?  What a day.  :(

 

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Comment by Nicole on December 8, 2011 at 3:42am

I feel the same sometimes.  It is like it is "wrong" to be happy.  I know my parents and gran would want me to smile now and then, to laugh and have a good time.  But it is hard sometimes, I also feel so guilty.  I have these terrible mood swings, like one minute I am fine and the next I am crying like a baby.  It is terrible when it happens at work, especially when the bosses see.  I try to keep it in but it is tough.  I hope things get better for you....

Comment by anna l. on November 22, 2011 at 2:46am

Amanda, and I am glad you posted that it happens to you as well.  Of all the ups downs and sideways I have been through this was the most bizarre and the first time I really questioned my sanity.  I have trusted myself to do what was right for me up until this.  This, this feeling of guilt for having a moment of what I used to be, a happy person who took pleasure in the little stuff, really threw me.  Today was back to one minute at a time, one breath at a time.  Oh well, one more thing to work on. 

Melissa, my mom passed away nearly 30 years ago and I still get teary when I make something that was her specialty.  And they are a mix of missing her sad, and loving I had her for a mom happy tears with a smile.  I hope you have more happy days too.

Comment by Amanda Ab on November 21, 2011 at 9:48pm

anna, i am so glad i am not the only one suffering from guilty feelings.

I get those feelings of guilt, at times. I feel guilty for been okay at times. I feel guilty for having a smile at times. Guilty for not having cried in 1 day. For me, i have had trouble coping with these guilty toughts for the past week. I even guilty for the smallest things (eating, sleeping, playing with my son, when my husband no longer has that. I have mentioned this to my psychologist, who she has told me not to allow the guilty ruin the "few" okay times we might have in our days. I see it as a negative vs. positive bird i have on each shoulder. positive bird, allowing me to live, to play, to laugh and saying to me "its okay for you to be okay, it does not mean you got over your husband's loss or loved him any less. And then i have "negative bird" on the other shoulder, telling me "how could you laugh, how could you be okay, how could you, you bad person"..

 It is hard to deal with all of this, but belive we are not doing anything else besides "Living One Day at a Time"...

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 21, 2011 at 8:28pm

Anna,

That's good thing that happened today don't feel bad about it..It gives you hope..It doesn't mean that you miss them any less or that your over it. It mean's that you might be able to carry on even though he's gone. Just take one day at a time..I'm very busy I have a husband and 3 small Children so I get into cooking and cleaning doing laundry not thinking about nothing.. And then Wam I'll think about something to do with my mom..something she said or did..or taught me..And the tears start flowing I miss her like crazy...and yes I'm sad..But I actually have some happy tears now! Anyways..Hope you have more good days :)

Hugs,

Melissa

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