I have been struggling completely alone for nearly 2 years. I felt like there HAD to be others in my position out there but I had no way to find out.  I finally found a shrink who told me the term disenfranchised grief.  And told me about this site.  I feel hope for the first time in nearly 2 years.  I have been so completely and utterly alone and have had NO way to work through my grief other than bottling it up.

We are/were both married to other people, literally no one knew/knows.  It's been nearly 2 years and I'm as devastated as day one.  I've attempted suicide twice in this time.  I just....I can't see a way to live without him.  I feel like my soul, spirit and life have left me with him and I have no will to go on.  I miss him so much every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

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Two years for me as well. March 10, 2019. I attempted suicide once and considered it twice. I still sometimes wish for some illness or accident to take me. I hate telling people my best friend died and then having to say it was He and not She. The weird looks. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I loved him and he loved me. No one knew that. No one can comfort me by telling me they know he loved me.

My loss has not been as long and I keep hoping that with time it will get better, but then I find that not being able to tell people that I lost someone I loved because I know they will judge me has been incredibly hard.  I have to say the same thing to everyone, that I lost my best friend and he was my best friend not just someone I loved.  I find myself wishing I could just talk to him one more time or when I am having a really hard day being able to turn to him and know that I have his support.  Somedays I just can't believe he is gone, he was here one day and just gone the next.  I struggle to watch anything on tv, because a simple romance or relationship reminds me of him and I just cry and I can't tell anyone why.  If you ever feel like talking I would appreciate the friendship and understanding of a loss that I just can't share with anyone.  

How long has it been? I was there. I used to watch silly Hallmark shows while cooking bc they are easy to listen to even without seeing them. But I couldn’t stand them for almost 2 years. Dateline felt bad but I felt like those were “my people” when the family/grievers were interviewed. Have you read “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok”? I can’t recommend brag enough. It’s like she wrote my feelings in a book. It was incredibly painful the first time I read it just after he died. I just re-read it during the build up and event of 2 years. I underlined things this time like a crazy person studying something, like I’m trying to find an answer in there. Also watch “Speaking Grief” documentary. It’s available thru a link on refugeingrief.com. That is a website by the author of the book.

I am here whenever you want. I don’t look at that email a lot. But I will now. Eventually we could text maybe?

Tell me how you met him, how long you were together and how he died. I KNOW you want to talk about him and your relationship as it really was. The love is still there bursting to get out.

It's been over 2 years now and it hurts as bad as the first day.

Sorry my replies are short.  I struggle with talking/typing about this. 

He passed away on January 1st so it is a little over 3 months.  I have a hard time writing about it on the board and thought maybe messaging you privately would be easier.  I do want to talk about him and our relationship.  However, I also know that because of how complicated our relationship was and everything surrounding us that others will not understand.  I miss him so much and there are days I just can't believe it still that he is gone.  I am thankful for the fact that he knew he was loved before he died and that he loved me.

Me too. I couldn’t even type anything in here 2 years ago. There is an online group workshop called Writing Your Grief I’ve been encouraged to do. I’ve been told to write a journal. Can’t. How do you write down the infinity of the pain? It would take all the time in the world to write down the universe of the pain. And to look at it that detailed and that much would hurt too bad.
But if you want to talk about him and your relationship and how wonderful it is you can tell me. I would love to know.
i am so sorry. :(

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