I've been very closed off when it comes to talking about the loss of my mother to breast cancer 7/4/14. I've been trying to jot down my feelings for months and I've been afraid to share them until now. If anyone else has been going thru or feels how I do, I'd love to talk. Here it is.

This is really just me logging how I'm feeling. I just don't know how this will all turn out but its a way for me to just get out what I'm feeling.

I'm sad.

 I've tried to run away from my emotions and I just want to turn back time.....redo life. Every little thing makes me think about my mom. I hide it. She knows this was how I was going to handle things. This was her worry and I've let her down. I don't like to talk about it because its real. I remember certain things about the moments before and the moment of her passing that I want to forget but I can't. Holding a persons hand as they take their last breath......it stays with you. I try so hard to remember the good and all I remember is the sad. I'm not trying too but I do. I know my mom knows I love her but I don't remember telling her goodbye. My heart hurts constantly. Its really hard for me to open up and get out my feelings towards everything because it just doesn't make sense. No one has gone thru it that I talk too and the people that have, I feel like a burden. I don't want to hear I'm not. This is not a pity party. This is not saying im not. This is me expressing finally after over a year how I feel. I love my family. They've been there thru so much right with me and yet I don't want to talk to them about how I feel. For two reasons. One because I need to be there for them. Two because it solidifies she's gone and there's just a piece of me that says shes not. I just don't know how to handle this or battle this. I want to talk but I don't know how to say it. So how does that work......I feel like the only person to give me answers is the person I'm grieving over.
I don't need thoughts or prayers. There are other people in the world to be praying for. Don't waste them on me. I'm grieving. Prayers don't help the grieving. They help the person whose found peace. My mom has found peace. Praise for her. I just don't know what my next step is because right now.....I'm just empty.

I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm broken. I'm not broken I'm sad. And I'm also angry. Angry that my mom isn't going to be here for my wedding. Or to talk girly shit or to be a grandmother to my children. To watch me evolve. To fight with and make up with. Nothing about this is fair.

Decisions I make are to make me feel better. To either ignore, mask or get rid of the pain. Sometimes they're not the best decisions but they're MY decisions and I need people to understand that. They're not major life changing decisions but they're temporary fixes and sometimes that's all a person needs.
I don't need judgment on top of everything else I'm going through. People are changing everday. My family has grown stronger. I have too but in a different way, I'm done. My whole life has been spent being selfless and I don't regret a single moment, but I need to do things for me. I will always still be there for friends and family. Its my nature, its one of the many amazing qualities I've learned from my mom, but I need to do things for me. You can look at it as me acting out or not choosing to accept things....I look at it as finding myself. 

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12........12.......my entire adolences and adulthood was surrounded around and sculpted by my mom's cancer.....again I don't regret it. Its changed me, shaped me.....(and yet a part of me doesn't understand why I'm trying to explain myself to you)
So I've never done things for myself. I need too.....my mothers gone. There is no more pain for her.  She's moved on.....

Why can't I?

Tags: loss, loved, mother, one

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Pretty deep Megan.  You have faced a lot more adversity from a young age than I ever had to.  But as you said in a very profound way it changed you, shaped you and you don't regret it.  The only thing I sort of see is that even though you describe it in very real terms you say it isn't real.  It's true for all of us I think.  In our head we know it is real and we can articulate it but in our heart we might as well be living on Mars.  

One thing I do have in common with you is that I was able to be with my mother as she drew her last breath.  She had Alzheimers, a heinous robbing of life. But to be there and walk her to the gate was one of the most profound things I have ever experienced and how special it was to be there to do that was life altering.  It was the biggest gift she gave me for the rest of my life so I could see she went in peace.  That was huge for me. I did not get that with my husbands death and that is slowly burying me.

I hope by getting some of this written out into the universe (cyberspace) it will be part of a process in figuring out how best co-exist with the absence  of her presence. Breast cancer (cancer is general) is another one of the diseases that snaps up our loved ones with no rhyme or reason.  If there is anything you might do to honor your mom as she watches over you it might be to find a way to help in the fight against deaths caused by cancer.  I think that will be one of the steps I will try to take in my own process of coping as soon as I feel able to do it physically.  

Write out your feelings Megan.  I don't know about you but I find it helps to get it out there where no one really knows you but we all have experienced the hurt you are feeling.  We get it.  Take care of yourself.  

Megan, my eyes are teary from reading your post. My mom passed away this past August of stage4 pancreatic cancer. I saw my beautiful best friend deteriorate right before my eyes, slow ugly death that lasted one month. I feel pretty much everything you wrote. I also started a journal, but I speak to my mom in my entries, she was the only one that knew me inside and out. Its so damn hard to speak to anyone I know about my grieving, its like they dont and cant understand. My condolences to you.

I feel like the only person to give me answers is the person I'm grieving over.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I think that is why I took to a therapist. I don't know if that is an option for you, but I just feel like reading your comments, I felt the same way at not having anyone to talk to or understand. I know family is not always the best choice, even though many outsiders believe it is. I know every family member has their own issues and pain over the situation, but it would be nice if everyone could understand that everyone is linked by the same significant loss and be able to relate to the others sadness.

When you need to do for you, do that. If people question it let them know you need to do something for yourself. We all have to do what we can to get through it.



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