Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Pretty deep Megan. You have faced a lot more adversity from a young age than I ever had to. But as you said in a very profound way it changed you, shaped you and you don't regret it. The only thing I sort of see is that even though you describe it in very real terms you say it isn't real. It's true for all of us I think. In our head we know it is real and we can articulate it but in our heart we might as well be living on Mars.
One thing I do have in common with you is that I was able to be with my mother as she drew her last breath. She had Alzheimers, a heinous robbing of life. But to be there and walk her to the gate was one of the most profound things I have ever experienced and how special it was to be there to do that was life altering. It was the biggest gift she gave me for the rest of my life so I could see she went in peace. That was huge for me. I did not get that with my husbands death and that is slowly burying me.
I hope by getting some of this written out into the universe (cyberspace) it will be part of a process in figuring out how best co-exist with the absence of her presence. Breast cancer (cancer is general) is another one of the diseases that snaps up our loved ones with no rhyme or reason. If there is anything you might do to honor your mom as she watches over you it might be to find a way to help in the fight against deaths caused by cancer. I think that will be one of the steps I will try to take in my own process of coping as soon as I feel able to do it physically.
Write out your feelings Megan. I don't know about you but I find it helps to get it out there where no one really knows you but we all have experienced the hurt you are feeling. We get it. Take care of yourself.
I feel like the only person to give me answers is the person I'm grieving over.
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I think that is why I took to a therapist. I don't know if that is an option for you, but I just feel like reading your comments, I felt the same way at not having anyone to talk to or understand. I know family is not always the best choice, even though many outsiders believe it is. I know every family member has their own issues and pain over the situation, but it would be nice if everyone could understand that everyone is linked by the same significant loss and be able to relate to the others sadness.
When you need to do for you, do that. If people question it let them know you need to do something for yourself. We all have to do what we can to get through it.