I am so depressed. I've had so many losses. My parents, my husband, many cats, now I've moved to an apartment that doesn't feel like a home. No friends, no family, no furniture. What I wouldn't do for a nice comfortable bed. I emailed the person twice who said she'd help me get one. She hasn't answered. My cell phone died of a dead battery. I'm supposed to get the charger back later today. I don't know if I will or not. I can't make phone calls without it. I have almost no food. I emailed six people who I was referred to. One emailed that he had dropped off my food. Trouble is, there was none at either my front or back door. I emailed him back, asking if he was sure he dropped it at the right place. No reply yet. Meantime, I'm hungry. I get paid social security tomorrow. I'm going to order out for something good. This is the first year I've been alone for the holidays. There are places that offer a drive thru but no provisions for those who have no way to get there. I drove for 30 years and lost my car. I really miss it. I don't see a way I'll ever get another one even though I have a valid driver's license. I haven't even lived here a week when this morning I heard one knock on the door and a man came in. I was half dressed at the time. I remember them talking about inspections but before I've even been here a week? He didn't apologize either. Just said, "inspection", walked around and then walked out. There's no carpeting on the floors. It's cold in here and the thermostat is impossible to regulate. The apartment didn't come with a microwave, washer or dryer. I'm supposed to get those things myself. Someone is bringing me a microwave. I kind of wish they wouldn't--I had one picked out on Amazon for myself. I have no life and I don't know if I'll ever have one again. Even my therapist is not nice to me lately. 

I miss my cats. This is public housing and they charge $300 to allow a cat. I don't know if there's a monthly charge also. I want another cat no matter what. Being loved by another being is worth it to me right now, no matter how much it costs.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Carol,

  I have just received your online post. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time and there nothing I can say to make it better, but I have read your post and I can't take away any pain, anger you are feeling, what I can do is listen to you and try to be a friend to you.

I have also lost my mom in 2019. Her death has dramatized me, I was her caregiver while she was dying. No help from my siblings, her kids. They didn't have time for her. You know Carol " It took one Mother to care for four kids, and four kids couldn't take care of one Mother".

If you ever want to talk I will be there for you. If I can receive your email just like I did today then I can be a friend to you. I also need a friend Carol. I hope to hear from you soon if not in the near future.

Take care of yourself,

Catharine Mackanyn

Good Morning Carol,

  How are you today? I hope that so far you are managing. Please feel free to email me. I am on my email at least once through the day, so I can catch your if you want to talk. Please take care of yourself.

Catharine

I am nervous today. I had to do some grocery shopping. I shopped at this store before but not since I lived here. This is an apartment with front and back doors. Never had that arrangement before. I appreciate hearing from you. It is nice to know someone is thinking of me. I miss having a car. I have to do all my shopping for delivery, and that is expensive. And I always think of something else I need when it's too late. I did get my cell phone charger back last night, so now my cell phone is charged again. I have what is called Meniere's disease which is a progressive hearing loss. My therapist came last night and put away all the stuff the charity lady brought, which means it's hard for me to find anything. I do appreciate her taking the time to do that, but I think I would have preferred a therapy session. Yes, I am managing. I wish I could relax. I don't know if I mentioned this before but this is the first year I'll be alone for the holidays. That being the case I'll be glad when the holidays are over. For the past 3 years I lived in a personal care home and they made a big fuss over us. They asked us what we wanted and then bought it and gift wrapped it for us. Really made us feel special. Unfortunately that personal care home closed in March of this year and we all had to go elsewhere to live. I was homeless, living in a motel for 2 months before I got this apartment. I hope things start to go better here than they have so far.

Hi Carol,

  It's great to hear from you and that you are managing. Yes, when there is a change on top of loss of a loved one it feels that your world, your life is going to fall apart. I know because that's what is happening to me right now

I am not sure if you would do something like joining a grief support group. That's how I am getting through my pain, anger, and my sadness. I believe they offer it on this website because that's how I started.

Carol, you need people in your life. I am just realising this now. I have siblings, they are suing me for caring for my Mom in her house. I sold everything I had to move in with her, not thinking that I am going to loss her in 3 years. I really thought that I would have at least 10 years with my Mom. My Mom made me a joint tenant with her in her home. It wasn't a problem when we still had my Mom but once I lost her my sibling's started to bully me into sell my house & give them a share of the money.

 I can't get through my days without thinking about what my sister & brother are doing to me. I don't have no one from my family. They walked away from me & I did nothing wrong. The pain of that alone is driving me mad.

There's a lot more to my story .I will finish it for you through our emails. I hope that I can hear from you again. I need people to talk to. I find that people that are going through a loss can help you more then therapy.

bye for now my friend,

Catharine

Catharine,

I am an only child. Especially at this time of year, it bothers me that I have no family. I was married for 25 years, then my husband died in 2017. He had 4 children from a prior marriage but he and I had no children--we were both in our mid-30's when we got married. He was the oldest of 8 kids, and told me I should be glad I was an only child. Of course, the belief tends to be that only children are pampered and spoiled, and I most definitely was not. My childhood was abusive, if anything. 

I had a rather nightmarish day. First I ordered groceries online and received them, no problem. Then I placed another order to the same grocery store, and did not receive them. Apparently they delivered them to the wrong address, and had to redeliver them to me. That took most of the afternoon. I had called my pharmacy this morning about prescriptions and was told they'd be delivered today. Four o'clock this afternoon they still weren't delivered and I called them. Then that delivery person had trouble finding my address. I did, finally, get my prescriptions. I do alot of online ordering, and I'm having nightmares wondering if this will happen every time I order something. 

I am so sorry about what is happening with you and your siblings. My two cousins always seemed to have it in for me, and I could never understand why. 

With my hearing loss, it is difficult for me to understand what people are saying to me, especially on the phone. It seems that in person I am able to lip read to a certain extent and make some sense of the conversation. But there is hope. There is a phone that works with closed captioning, available for free from the US government. You need both a phone and internet connection. The phone is $75, which doesn't seem bad to me. I'm thinking of getting one.

My parents died in 2004 and 2006. I did attend a grief support group after my husband died in 2017. He and I had some issues that still come up sometimes in therapy. 

I treasure the memories when my husband and I would travel 100 miles to visit my parents on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Those were good times because we were all on our best behavior. 

You are right, I do need people in my life, and I really don't know where to find them. This is not my hometown--I only moved here when I got married in 1992. I would love to go back to my hometown to live, but there are two year waiting lists for the kind of apartments I'm looking for. And I grew up in what is now an upper class location. I could never afford to live there now. I just have to accept that.

I too hope that we will get to know each other better. I think we're off to a good start.

Your friend,

Carol

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