Homicide Survivors Group

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Homicide Survivors Group

I'm starting this group in hopes that people who come to oninegriefsupport in the U.S.  can share in their experiences and grief for homicide related deaths. There are tons of support grief services for cancer, alzheimers, loss of children, suicide, ..I could go on. But there are not many support groups for homicide related issues. With the growing gun-related deaths, I thought it would be prudent to create this small sub-group here.

I know that grief is very unique and it shouldn't be compared but losing a loved one in a violent, sudden way, at the hands of a nefarious other, is something that I perceive to be very different.

Sometimes, I wish my mother could've passed away a different way because at least it would not have been at the hands of someone else who dealt out a violent end. A goodbye would've been possible. 

Again, I do not wish to diminish any other type of grief. I have just found it difficult to connect with anyone who is experiencing this specific type of loss. This group is open to anyone who wishes to discuss loss of a loved one through a violent death.  

Finally, I want to say that if you feel that you would like to join this group even though your loss does not fit this criteria, you are more than welcome. I have spoken with a suicide survivor and in many ways, the violent methods that some individuals take their own lives, I see that there are a lot of similarities there with homicide survivors.

Thank you for understanding and reading.

Location: California
Members: 18
Latest Activity: Dec 28, 2020

Discussion Forum

Dark Deep Dirty Stinky Hole

Hello, Umm my friend was murdered only 7 weeks ago. Seems like forever ago but at the same time just like yesterday. We know who done it, the cops know who done it but they are putting these case…Continue

Started by Lakama Raraew Apr 15, 2017.

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Comment by Amalia Vacca on October 6, 2020 at 12:00pm

Hello, I'm just trying to find a connection with others who may have some sort of understanding of this type of situation.

I moved to Vancouver, Washington to put space between myself and my family (who live in the Seattle and Kent area) almost 20 years ago. My dad was an Italian immigrant. He raised 5 kids. One of my brothers has been on meth for a majority of his life. My dad really had a limited understanding of drug addiction and mental illness. My brother is 41 years old. He is violent and delusional. He destroyed my parent’s property regularly. My dad didn’t believe it was anyone’s responsibility but the families to care for him, despite the daily abuse and destruction. He had run-ins with the law and was usually released and given nothing more than a slap on the wrist by the court. The last couple of years his mental state deteriorated much worse. He couldn’t hold a conversation, he mumbled to himself incoherently, he saw people who weren’t there. I don’t know if it was brain damage from years of meth use or mental illness. Long story short, he stole some guns last November and terrorized my family, threatening to kill my cousin (my 19-year-old was living with them at the time) The process to get a protection order was long (and almost denied) and the police couldn’t deliver it for three days because they work banker hours and it was a holiday weekend. (budget issues, not the cop’s fault) I drove up armed and stayed for the weekend to protect my daughter. I’ve never been more afraid in my life. I had to go back to work Monday. My dad tried to convince us that we were all overreacting. I tried to believe it. Things escalated even more after I went home. When the police finally tried to deliver the warrant and retrieve the guns, he locked himself in his room and refused to come out. I guess a behavioral team was dispatched to come help but before they could get there, my dad tried to go back in against the police’s warning to get my brother to come out. My brother shot and killed my father. I really believe it could have been worse and that more people could’ve been shot in the crossfire as he had issues with any family he perceived were taking his place.

We are still waiting for a trial date to be set. I just want this over, but it scares me that he could have such a short sentence in my opinion. 

Comment by Hannah S on January 22, 2018 at 5:15pm

I recently lost my ex to murder and he was still a good friend. A really helpful thing was to write out how we met and 'our story'. I can't bring myself to write him a letter yet, but that will be next in my healing process. 

Comment by Steinberg on January 10, 2018 at 1:59pm

What kind of counseling do you offer? I tired quite a few therapist - all of whom were disasters with one suggesting that I was a vicitm of "voodoo" - I almost lost my mind. But now, I think I have finally found someone and it is the first time I can speak with anyone about it although till now have said very little. 

Comment by Steinberg on January 2, 2018 at 3:33pm

About 2 years before this happened I read a book by Pim van Lommel on Near Death Experiences. I highly recommend it and find it still helpful till this day. I think the suggestion of things that can help us as proposed by Sara is good.  

Comment by Sara Jane on January 2, 2018 at 6:19am

Really hard time and i have been living  with the death of my mother for two years.  we believe she was murdered and have had to find ways of living with this also knowing the people who murdered her.  I can only share my approach to healing with this.  What i found hard was not being able to talk about it to anyone as feeling nobody believes you and the police not doing enough or support.  Infact they lead us to believe they were supporting us so was even worse during the inquest.   so more importantly how do we live with this and these times. Again its hard to say this as i don't want to offend anyone but spiritually you need to get in touch with the person you lost.  I was told by focussing on the murderers which i have to say i did and wanted justice i was giving all my energy to them and their darkness.  I so want justice but by giving them my attention sort of kept them in a bubble.  DONT WORRY they will have to live with what they have done.  BUT by contacting your lost one you can make the connection again and build on that ( more importantly ) you are not connecting with the people who have done this to them and you.  VERY IMPORTANT is to let change where you direct your energy. i want to add i am the sort of person that has to feel it see it chew it to believe it  so this was a massive jump in to faith for me to do this.  BUT when i decided to try and contact my mother i had an enormous whoosh of energy the heaviness that i had been carrying about the murderers just popped.  I realised by me focussing on them i was actually feeding them .

ok im going to stop talking now.  I just hope this is ok to write this and i am not offending anyone.  ITs so hard and heavy and dark i KNOW !!! this has been my personal survival to get through this.  all the best for now 

Comment by Steinberg on January 2, 2018 at 3:05am

I feel the same way. I joined months ago but cannot speak. I also go through life not being able to talk about the violent death of my husband. I was never able to say good bye and never got to even see his body. It is not possible to talk with others about because the reponses are destined to be inappropriate and I am left feeling even worse. 

Comment by Bern on January 1, 2018 at 9:53pm

I joined but don't have the strength to talk. I am a member of Loss Son and Daughters group.

Comment by Kate on August 1, 2016 at 3:42am

I haven't been back here for some time and just noticed that there are new members. Welcome and thank you for joining. 

When I lost my mother many years ago, it was devastating. A lone gunman, who was mentally unstable decided to shoot my mother for reasons that only he knows. She and I were best friends. I loved her so much and her violent death left me in pieces. I go through life not wanting to share what happened because the different reactions I get are so distasteful to me for various reasons. 

If I could give my life for hers and switch places, if only to say goodbye for a few seconds, I'd do it in a heartbeat. 

This group is open to all that wish to share their stories and to support each other. This pain is only known to those who have lost their loved ones in this manner. Hopefully, we can find some moments of encouragement here with kinds words of support. 

- Kate

 

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