Dear, Billy Jo, sorry for not responding - had another terrible week. Just something new every day. I saw your youtube channel. You have a big loving heart and your songs are very good.
My childhood problems were important before March when my husband suddenly got sick. Now I only have this pain - lost such a great man who loved me, and sure lost my life and have no idea where to start.
Thank you very much for visiting my page and your support. A special thanks for sharing your story - it is very inspiring. Amazingly you found so much love in your heart that you could understand and forgive your mother. I just "celebrated" 46 years without my mother. I don't know her, I miss her, I love her, I blame her, I hate her for leaving me - spectrum of different feelings. I think I love her more.
Actually I had the same childhood but with my 3 step moms. So I can relate. It was hard but still easier as those were not my mothers so the pain was different. For many many years I hate my father. I know him, I know his childhood, I respect even some parts of him but in general I hate and blame him.
So I have problems with both parents. They both changed my life so many times, so dramatically. I think I am having all my relationships and professional issues because of damaged childhood.
But still something can be done. Even when they both are not in this life anymore. I still can learn, understand and forgive them. I must! I will! Not right now when I am going through the hell, but later, not next year, probably some months from now....
This is amazing that you don't give up and grew into the whole complete beautiful person. I think you can upload your song to youtube but not sure. I am waiting for your song and I am sure it will be perfect as it will come from the bottom of your loving heart.
tryn 2 be ok g lot goin on moms alz/dem dranes me im mor tied thn she is arhriter in my bons vitm d defscy 2 dnt no if i ge free prescsiosn no mor coz all ruls hav chngs thy hav nw jutswish i wz my dad wz heari do wen he wz hear lif wz ok thn so mush loss aftr him
thn mom gtes ill itlest she beat brest c just i no she nevr beat alz/dem she not evry on yv she noz thm th y ben sea her
wen she duz go 2 a day car 2 tims a wk im so tied i fall slep o do bth 2 kttins sid me on bed or seats oin frnt teoom or bn my slf dmr frnt room o dom coz i dnt wnt 2 no wots goin on coz im so draned
i still colet my tarot cards nw i fodn amzon byin voshers i can soends cherd me up a not is jon duff still hearcoz he wz a grt frind he wz 2 a lot of us
he nevr elet get his disn;ty in wy ihe did not
o sat i go 2 a club fr disabld pepel wish is grt i dnt sty 2 lng i dmt i stay fr 2 hors coz my bryh en bena a nervs wec 2 evn mt sisr 2 duz wen shes bean hea pcz pf moms alz/dem
Hi John, I am doing so so. Just sort of plodding along. Yeah I am expecting a very emotional week next week. I am exhausted to be honest but I have to just keep on breathing. I am so sorry you have been struggling. My thoughts are with you too.
I can understand about holding those emotions in deeply but your advice to me was to let it out and I think you need to also. Use your music or your diary to release it all into the world. Will you be around people on other days during the holidays?
I wish I could make you feel better. Focus on Carol and if you feel sad that's ok. We have to just ride this wave we are on so feel those emotions. Just try to use your positive music to calm you when you are feeling overwhelmed. Do you have text messages or emails from Carol that you can read? This helps me a lot because I laugh and cry but feel loved from the words. I know it is nothing in comparison to them being here, of course, but just for one small moment I feel connected to him.
Your senses are right, I am not doing great. Just trying to wear my "I'm ok" mask for people. It does all add up to a very emotional and painful time for us. What I would give to change all of this. Sending you a huge hug back and thinking of you xxxxx
Hi John, I am so sorry I haven't been in touch. I was feeling a little overwhelmed last week. Your messages were so lovely and so thoughtful. You really do have a way of understanding and of wording things in such a way that I feel both understood and supported. I hope I do the same for you. I love learning about Carol and your friends. It's so good to talk about our loved ones. I agree about people saying they know what they would want or think. No one does know and all we can do is live our lives in a way that would make them proud.
Today is 9 months that I lost my Daddy. Sad day especially with Christmas being so close. It is so tough.
How are you doing?
I hope your diary is helping you. When my Dad first passed I wrote down every word, emotion, memory that I could think of in that moment so I wouldn't forget anything. I like to read it back now to remind me of all that filled my mind. I imagine it is quite therapeutic to write it down and release it some way like you are. Music must help a lot.
I haven't had any smells yet to think that my Dad is near but I have had moments when I truly feel he is there or that he is listening. I am glad for you that you have experienced that. It must be very surreal. I didn't used to believe in anything like that nor did my Dad but I sometimes wonder if he was proven wrong and can see me.
Regarding the clinic where Carol unfortunately passed, are they going to do anything? I am so sorry you lost her in this way. It can make you feel so angry when it is preventable. All you want is justice for her. That's what I want for my Dad. This trial is our chance but I wish he had pleaded guilty and then I wouldn't have to see his face.
I am definitely more sensitive since this has happened, you're right. You have a right to feel the you're feeling and when people say things they don't think about how it can hurt. Please try to block out those negative people if you can.
It made me happy when you said you feel comfortable opening up to me. I am truly honoured. What we are experiencing is unimaginable and the people around us just don't always understand or their lives have just carried on yet we are stuck. We need each other because it is so important for us to share. I am so grateful to have you to talk to and to call a friend. Sending a huge hug back xxxxxx
Hi John, hope you're well. It sounds like your loss was also a tragic time and a massive shock. Just as my loss was too. This is something we can both relate too. The shock is devastating and can still take my breath away now. I don't think we will ever get over that feeling when you have no preparation or time to come to terms with what is happening. That must have been really difficult to accept, that she was gone so quickly and from something that could have been prevented. I hope you get justice for you and Carol.
I found it hard, dealing with my Dad being here one minute and gone the next. If he had stayed on the pavement 3 more seconds, he would still be here. The driver who killed him has taken responsibility for what he did but now that he has pleaded not guilty, we have go through a traumatic event again by going to court AND we will have to see his face.
I am feeling very scared if I am honest. Not because of the case or the outcome necessarily, but more for wanting to fight for my Dad and do him proud. He deserves justice. Just as you and Carol do.
You sound like you are able to reminisce about her and smile when you relive memories. This is just starting to happen to me now. I am able to think of my Dad without crying. This is bitter sweet. I hope if he can see me, he doesn't think it's because I am getting over it or that I am forgetting about him. It couldn't be further from the truth. I probably think about him more now than ever because now I am less numb.
I am happy that you got to go visit her a lot and were able to make memories together to treasure.
Thank you for all your kind words and support. I am here when ever you need me xxxxx
I agree with everything you said there John, about accepting people and being who you are. Grief brings out something in us all and we have to let it out and be ourselves and go at our own pace.
I will keep speaking to my Dad and I imagine I will for the rest of my life. I want everyone to continue speaking his name. I am sure you will do the same with Carol. It is our way of keeping them close to us. I sometimes feel like I get signs off my Dad and I cherish them. I hope he can see me and knows how I feel. We had such a strong bond that I am confident he feels my love.
Yes this court case is going to really affect me and my family and it means we actually have to meet the man that killed my Dad. This is the part I am most worried about. I know the driver had no intent and it was a tragic accident but I wish I could leave those images in my mind tucked away but seeing him will make it very real!
How are you doing?
I know I have said it before but talking to you means so much to me. You just get me and say such heart warming things. I am thinking of you and sending you love and hugs back xxx
Thank you John for your cyber hug. I send you one back. Huggggggg.
I am so sorry that you have lost several people. That must be so difficult. It sounds like you and your friend had a really special bond and friendship. That is something to treasure in your memories.
You're right about my Dad. He was so much to so many and I am so proud to call him my Dad. We knew how we felt about each other as we expressed it and we made each other feel loved but I just wish that I could tell him again. Just to make sure he knows.
The driver pleaded not guilty yesterday so now we have a trial scheduled for next year. It is the last thing my family and I need. We will fight for justice for my Dad though and try to do him proud.
You have such a lovely way with words and I get comfort from your messages. I hope I can offer the same to you. You really understand what I am feeling and it helps so much. I will do my best to be a good friend to you too and help where ever I can xxx
Thank you for sharing your Christmas experiences with me too John. It helps. I suppose it is the unknown that is making me feel so uneasy. What to expect and how will the day feel without my best friend and love of my life, my Daddy. I hope your Christmas isn't a lonely one and that you are able to see people.
Thank you for letting me know about your music too. I am sure one day you will pick up that guitar again and sing about your experiences and put into words all of your emotions. I wish this for you. I want to hear those songs :)
Let's hope Carol is with you and my Dad is with me on this tough day and here's to hoping we can celebrate Christmas in their memories xxx
Hi John, thank you for both of your replies. What can I say?....What you wrote means a lot to me. It made me cry and smile all at the same time. I am emotional today as the driver who killed my Dad puts in his plea today at court so I am anxiously waiting by the phone for news.
I can't tell you what it means to me to have someone to talk to. I have friends and family but this site offers the support of people living this now with me. I am so glad we are friends and sharing. Thank you for telling me about yourself and Carol. I am so sorry that she is no longer with you.
I liked your Scottish sayings too :)
I am from a seaside town just outside Blackpool. I too am friends with Jo B. We have chatted a few times.
I felt a release when I read your messages, as if finally someone understands. Some days I cope (well I appear to on the outside), but other days, like today, I just crumble. It's as if my body and mind purposely cover it all up and then when it all comes flooding back in I am in shock again. This may sound silly but I honestly still cannot believe that my Dad is not here. He was the type of man that you thought would live forever because he was too important to so many people for anything to happen. He deserved so much more.
I appreciate your comment about feeling my hurt in my words. I sometimes feel like I can't convey what I feel but now I know I do.
Carol sounds like a lovely person and I wish I could say something to make you feel better. My thoughts are with you.
I too am here for you when ever you need me. We have to look after each other xxxx
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