Bethany
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  • Russian Federation
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About Me:
From Alabama, living in Moscow (yes, Russia).
About my Loss:
On June 19, 2016, my family and I made the decision to remove my mom from life support, which had been keeping her "alive" for two days. I lost my mom, my best friend, and a huge piece of myself. And I'm not handling it at all well.

Bethany's Blog

Drowning...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm drowning again. I thought things were getting better, that I was finally learning to handle my emotions, that I was coping. But now I'm right back where I was a year ago. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry myself to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing's changed, nothing's happened. And that's the worst part, knowing that it's coming from within. That I'm doing this to myself. I just… Continue

Posted on August 13, 2017 at 11:37am — 4 Comments

Home Alone

Home for the summer. In a house that has never felt less like home. This is the first time I've really been HOME since I lost Mom. I was here at Thanksgiving, but there were so many people around that I didn't have any time to process anything. Today though it's just been me and the dog. The dog Mom said she didn't want but not so secretly adored, of course. And I hate it. Not the dog; she's lovely. But the house. The house I grew up in. The house my mom called home. The house I've always…

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Posted on July 4, 2017 at 8:03pm

One down...

Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.

Posted on June 19, 2017 at 3:45pm

Cookies and Wine

This is going to sound ridiculous, but... I just ate the last cookie my mom ever bought for me... When I moved overseas 5+ years ago, the only thing I reeeeeally missed was Girl Scout cookies. So it became a habit of my mom's to order a couple extra boxes of Thin Mints and Tagalongs (the best GS cookies,of course) every year to save for me. Last year was no exception. I arrived home last June to find a proper mountain of cookies - enough for myself and a friend - waiting for me. Most didn't…

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Posted on June 2, 2017 at 3:28pm — 1 Comment

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At 5:35pm on May 28, 2017, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Bethany, all might not be lost. Where were the files, pictures? It is possible to retrieve files depending on where the files are? what operating system you have and if your system has a virus? ?There are different actions for each, individual problem. Sadly I had been keeping a diary for nearly 4 years since my girlfriend died. My brand new computer crashed. The guy I got to look at it wiped the entire hard drive that I had transfered the file to. Somehow I had deleted the original file on the old laptop. I used an eraser program that did delete it forever. Looking back it happened for a reason. I had read a post on here where a member had found her husband had written some not nice things about their relationship that were unkind to say the least. I had done something similar and thought just how much it would affect my friends if they read my diary. I know how distraught you must feel. Again there are ways to retrieve those files. Depending on the situation. Even if the laptop is completely gone. The hard drive can be removed and put in what is called a hard drive caddy. They are very cheap to buy and once hooked up to another computer, the files can be accessed and transfered to another laptop or computer. Try not to be dismayed. There are some good options out there in the computer world. I would be more than happy to help with your problem.

At 3:03pm on May 10, 2017, Nora said…

Bethany, I know how it feels. I lost my mother in 1971 when I was 8 yo. So many years and I miss her every day. My life would be absolutely different if I have not lost her at that age. I always think how it would be is she was alive, with me. I grew a very lonely, depressed and unprotected child always looking for love, seeking love, working hard to deserve love. I will tell you something that it

I will tell you something that it doesn't sound right for you... I envy you. I envy millions of people who had a beautiful opportunity to have a mother for some years, for many years. I think you all are so fortunate. I think you are so lucky to have that chance to call your mother and say - Mom, I missed school bus - pick me up, Mom, I had a date, Mom, I think I want to marry this boy, Mom, I'm pregnant, Mom, my daughter looks just like you... I never had this chance. Ever. I remember her looks but I forgot her voice, I don't remember anything we did together and how she looked at me or touched me. I only remember 3 events: we had vacation on a beach wth her, lots of tulips for her birthday, and one trip to hospital when she asked me to go with her but I was all pissed and protesting walked very far behind her and I remember her walking slowly using walls to help herself to walk. That's it!

Since that time I know she is with me. She is always with me. Though nobody told me about heaven or spirits or life after death... Anytime I need her help, I ask her and things just go in right direction. I feel she is with me. ALWAYS!

Your mother never actually left you. Just ease your mind, open your heart and listen and open your eyes - you will see signs and meet good people.

I smiled to see where you are right now. It is my native country - I was born in St. Petersburg and live in Dallas, Texas now.

I am here if you need any support - just let me know - I have free calls to Russia.

Sending you lots of love and a huge warm hug.

 
 
 

Latest Activity

Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Amy Cowan joined Karen's group
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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
10 hours ago
MIchael Ortiz commented on Bethany's blog post Drowning...
"Its been 3 months since I lost my love. I had to do it alone. I hope you have family or someone you can just vent and they just listen.I still feel pain and ups and downs.One second I think I am better and boom.Have no clue what sets it off. Do what…"
11 hours ago
bluebird commented on Bethany's blog post Drowning...
"You aren't doing it to yourself -- your grief and your loss are doing it to you.  It sucks, but that's what grief and loss do.  It's quite common to feel that things are getting better for a while, and then find yourself…"
11 hours ago
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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13 hours ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Exactly bluebird."
14 hours ago
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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bluebird commented on Beckie Preston's blog post Lost
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bluebird replied to Gabby Freeland's discussion I gave up before everyone else did
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bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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15 hours ago
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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16 hours ago
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"Wow, that is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.    "
yesterday
Patty commented on Karen's group Missing my Son or Daughter
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Karen commented on Karen's group Missing my Son or Daughter
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Karen replied to Karen's discussion STUPID things people say... " Vent Here " in the group Missing my Son or Daughter
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Karen is now friends with Judith Borenin and Rita Estes
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John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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