Bethany
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  • Russian Federation
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About Me:
From Alabama, living in Moscow (yes, Russia).
About my Loss:
On June 19, 2016, my family and I made the decision to remove my mom from life support, which had been keeping her "alive" for two days. I lost my mom, my best friend, and a huge piece of myself. And I'm not handling it at all well.

Bethany's Blog

Moving on?

I haven't posted here in awhile. The crushing grief that overwhelmed me for so long after my mom died has lifted into more of a grief fog. But some issues within my family have arisen over the past few days, and I'm having a really hard time. And my question is: Why the hell is everyone in such a hurry to "move on?" What is so terrible about being sad, about missing someone? Why is it "normal" to go on with your life like nothing happened, to forget about the past and keep moving forward?…

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Posted on March 3, 2019 at 12:23pm — 1 Comment

Drowning...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm drowning again. I thought things were getting better, that I was finally learning to handle my emotions, that I was coping. But now I'm right back where I was a year ago. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry myself to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing's changed, nothing's happened. And that's the worst part, knowing that it's coming from within. That I'm doing this to myself. I just… Continue

Posted on August 13, 2017 at 11:37am — 4 Comments

Home Alone

Home for the summer. In a house that has never felt less like home. This is the first time I've really been HOME since I lost Mom. I was here at Thanksgiving, but there were so many people around that I didn't have any time to process anything. Today though it's just been me and the dog. The dog Mom said she didn't want but not so secretly adored, of course. And I hate it. Not the dog; she's lovely. But the house. The house I grew up in. The house my mom called home. The house I've always…

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Posted on July 4, 2017 at 8:03pm

One down...

Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.

Posted on June 19, 2017 at 3:45pm

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At 5:35pm on May 28, 2017, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Bethany, all might not be lost. Where were the files, pictures? It is possible to retrieve files depending on where the files are? what operating system you have and if your system has a virus? ?There are different actions for each, individual problem. Sadly I had been keeping a diary for nearly 4 years since my girlfriend died. My brand new computer crashed. The guy I got to look at it wiped the entire hard drive that I had transfered the file to. Somehow I had deleted the original file on the old laptop. I used an eraser program that did delete it forever. Looking back it happened for a reason. I had read a post on here where a member had found her husband had written some not nice things about their relationship that were unkind to say the least. I had done something similar and thought just how much it would affect my friends if they read my diary. I know how distraught you must feel. Again there are ways to retrieve those files. Depending on the situation. Even if the laptop is completely gone. The hard drive can be removed and put in what is called a hard drive caddy. They are very cheap to buy and once hooked up to another computer, the files can be accessed and transfered to another laptop or computer. Try not to be dismayed. There are some good options out there in the computer world. I would be more than happy to help with your problem.

At 3:03pm on May 10, 2017, Nora said…

Bethany, I know how it feels. I lost my mother in 1971 when I was 8 yo. So many years and I miss her every day. My life would be absolutely different if I have not lost her at that age. I always think how it would be is she was alive, with me. I grew a very lonely, depressed and unprotected child always looking for love, seeking love, working hard to deserve love. I will tell you something that it

I will tell you something that it doesn't sound right for you... I envy you. I envy millions of people who had a beautiful opportunity to have a mother for some years, for many years. I think you all are so fortunate. I think you are so lucky to have that chance to call your mother and say - Mom, I missed school bus - pick me up, Mom, I had a date, Mom, I think I want to marry this boy, Mom, I'm pregnant, Mom, my daughter looks just like you... I never had this chance. Ever. I remember her looks but I forgot her voice, I don't remember anything we did together and how she looked at me or touched me. I only remember 3 events: we had vacation on a beach wth her, lots of tulips for her birthday, and one trip to hospital when she asked me to go with her but I was all pissed and protesting walked very far behind her and I remember her walking slowly using walls to help herself to walk. That's it!

Since that time I know she is with me. She is always with me. Though nobody told me about heaven or spirits or life after death... Anytime I need her help, I ask her and things just go in right direction. I feel she is with me. ALWAYS!

Your mother never actually left you. Just ease your mind, open your heart and listen and open your eyes - you will see signs and meet good people.

I smiled to see where you are right now. It is my native country - I was born in St. Petersburg and live in Dallas, Texas now.

I am here if you need any support - just let me know - I have free calls to Russia.

Sending you lots of love and a huge warm hug.

 
 
 

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Billy Jo Colt commented on Kelli Auerbach's blog post New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood
"Thank you Kelly for a genuine and bright yet deep insight into how berievement has affected you. Children are resourcefull and it isn't till in later life that the death of a loved one creates a new reality. I've written a song about the…"
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New York Times essay I wrote about orphanhood

Hi everyone, I am new to the group, but not to loss. Thanks for adding me.I wanted to share an essay I wrote, "Welcome to the Freak Show: Becoming an Orphan in My 20s", that is in the New York Times today. Even though all of our experiences with grief are unique, I hope it resonates in some way.Best, KelliSee More
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Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Everyone sounds a little down today.   And that's OK.   I do the same thing.   I am learning how to move on with life.  I know that there will never be another Joe.  He was my life, my love.  I miss…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Over the last couple of days, I've had some real negative thoughts, scary to say the least.  I know I'll never see her here with me again, which I know but can't accept, but today I questioned is she here with me in spirit? …"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Marita, not that I am glad to  hear you suffer from anxiety and fear but thank you for at least sharing that you too are overwhelmed with living.  At times I want to scream that the way I feel is not some cry for sympathy but more I am…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Bluebird, You were the original poster who made it real for me that telling the truth about our pain was ok.  That it was how this grief was going to be no mater how I might be told otherwise.  And to know that your truth is that pretty…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, yes, I too have the recurring thoughts my brain sends me that my husband is dead.  It's not possible for me to accept it either.  I know it as fact just as I know the sun shines, but when it appears in my brain I simply cannot…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"As much as we all suffer, some may have an additional burden of having to go out into the real world and deal with people in business to survive.  The impact of that makes it all that much more unbearable.  While I'm not in that…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Nobody really understands except for the members on this website. It was a life saver for me. Thanks to all of you who share your posts and the support we give each other."
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, yes.  Linda, yes.  Marita, yes.  Bulebird, Yes.  I'm becoming paralyzed to the point of petrification.  NOTHING MATTERS except what we all know what it is.  We can't go back and we can't accept…"
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bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Same here, Marita. Things I would have been able to deal with before (either before I met my husband, or while he was here with me), I cannot handle at all now. Any tiny problem is insurmountable. Everything is. Morgan, I am truly sorry you are…"
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Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, i live with constant fear and anxiety. Every time I am confronted with a new problem I break down because my husband is not here to support me, to comfort me, to love me and it is a reminder of my loss.  When things become so…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, My whole problem with myself is I just can't accept my Husband's death and there is a not a thing I can do about it. I want things back the way things were. So to avoid all my breakdowns I try to numb myself with beer. I don't…"
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I felt something very similar. After a year the pain and shock of mom's death had eased somewhat, but the guilt increased. I learned that grief is a process that has many different facets. I am really amazed by the folks who seem to…"
May 14
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Terrible,horrible, crippling breakdown tonight.  I know what triggered it and it is something I have struggled with all these years and the closer I get to trying to solve it the worse the breakdowns are becoming. Problem is I am still unable…"
May 14

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