Bethany
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  • Russian Federation
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About Me:
From Alabama, living in Moscow (yes, Russia).
About my Loss:
On June 19, 2016, my family and I made the decision to remove my mom from life support, which had been keeping her "alive" for two days. I lost my mom, my best friend, and a huge piece of myself. And I'm not handling it at all well.

Bethany's Blog

Moving on?

I haven't posted here in awhile. The crushing grief that overwhelmed me for so long after my mom died has lifted into more of a grief fog. But some issues within my family have arisen over the past few days, and I'm having a really hard time. And my question is: Why the hell is everyone in such a hurry to "move on?" What is so terrible about being sad, about missing someone? Why is it "normal" to go on with your life like nothing happened, to forget about the past and keep moving forward?…

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Posted on March 3, 2019 at 12:23pm — 1 Comment

Drowning...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm drowning again. I thought things were getting better, that I was finally learning to handle my emotions, that I was coping. But now I'm right back where I was a year ago. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry myself to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing's changed, nothing's happened. And that's the worst part, knowing that it's coming from within. That I'm doing this to myself. I just… Continue

Posted on August 13, 2017 at 11:37am — 4 Comments

Home Alone

Home for the summer. In a house that has never felt less like home. This is the first time I've really been HOME since I lost Mom. I was here at Thanksgiving, but there were so many people around that I didn't have any time to process anything. Today though it's just been me and the dog. The dog Mom said she didn't want but not so secretly adored, of course. And I hate it. Not the dog; she's lovely. But the house. The house I grew up in. The house my mom called home. The house I've always…

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Posted on July 4, 2017 at 8:03pm

One down...

Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.

Posted on June 19, 2017 at 3:45pm

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At 5:35pm on May 28, 2017, Billy Jo Colt said…

Hi Bethany, all might not be lost. Where were the files, pictures? It is possible to retrieve files depending on where the files are? what operating system you have and if your system has a virus? ?There are different actions for each, individual problem. Sadly I had been keeping a diary for nearly 4 years since my girlfriend died. My brand new computer crashed. The guy I got to look at it wiped the entire hard drive that I had transfered the file to. Somehow I had deleted the original file on the old laptop. I used an eraser program that did delete it forever. Looking back it happened for a reason. I had read a post on here where a member had found her husband had written some not nice things about their relationship that were unkind to say the least. I had done something similar and thought just how much it would affect my friends if they read my diary. I know how distraught you must feel. Again there are ways to retrieve those files. Depending on the situation. Even if the laptop is completely gone. The hard drive can be removed and put in what is called a hard drive caddy. They are very cheap to buy and once hooked up to another computer, the files can be accessed and transfered to another laptop or computer. Try not to be dismayed. There are some good options out there in the computer world. I would be more than happy to help with your problem.

At 3:03pm on May 10, 2017, Nora said…

Bethany, I know how it feels. I lost my mother in 1971 when I was 8 yo. So many years and I miss her every day. My life would be absolutely different if I have not lost her at that age. I always think how it would be is she was alive, with me. I grew a very lonely, depressed and unprotected child always looking for love, seeking love, working hard to deserve love. I will tell you something that it

I will tell you something that it doesn't sound right for you... I envy you. I envy millions of people who had a beautiful opportunity to have a mother for some years, for many years. I think you all are so fortunate. I think you are so lucky to have that chance to call your mother and say - Mom, I missed school bus - pick me up, Mom, I had a date, Mom, I think I want to marry this boy, Mom, I'm pregnant, Mom, my daughter looks just like you... I never had this chance. Ever. I remember her looks but I forgot her voice, I don't remember anything we did together and how she looked at me or touched me. I only remember 3 events: we had vacation on a beach wth her, lots of tulips for her birthday, and one trip to hospital when she asked me to go with her but I was all pissed and protesting walked very far behind her and I remember her walking slowly using walls to help herself to walk. That's it!

Since that time I know she is with me. She is always with me. Though nobody told me about heaven or spirits or life after death... Anytime I need her help, I ask her and things just go in right direction. I feel she is with me. ALWAYS!

Your mother never actually left you. Just ease your mind, open your heart and listen and open your eyes - you will see signs and meet good people.

I smiled to see where you are right now. It is my native country - I was born in St. Petersburg and live in Dallas, Texas now.

I am here if you need any support - just let me know - I have free calls to Russia.

Sending you lots of love and a huge warm hug.

 
 
 

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Latest Activity

G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
17 hours ago
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
yesterday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Wednesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Tuesday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Tuesday
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Monday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is still numbing to think my Mom is gone & I can't talk to her or see her again.  I lost part of me when she passed.  Someone said the restless feelings I have are really anxiety.  Daily crying is part of my life. …"
Monday

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