I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  Some days I cry a lot, others not much.  I get upset when I don’t cry.  I feel as if I should be crying all day every day because the thing I feared the most my whole life happened.  How have I not had ten heart attacks by now?  Some days I have bad flashbacks of the hospital.  Other days I feel like I can’t process what happened.  Is my mind blocking what happened to protect me from the pain?  Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.  Am I still in shock?  I must be.  

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Comment by AnneJ. on April 23, 2018 at 7:02pm

Virginia, personally I am convinced, looking back, that my brain put up a shield to protect my mind from the devastating scene of my husband of 20 years dropping to his death in the shower. I'm still 99% nuts and that's the truth. It's been 4.5 years. Might as well be yesterday. With love, AnneJ.

Comment by morgan on April 19, 2018 at 8:59pm

Virginia, We ask ourselves alot of questions when we suffer such a great loss as a loved one.  All of your questions I have asked myself over and over as I have tried to live beyond the loss of my husband.  I've not answered them sufficiently to overcome my grief.  I just keep coping moment to moment.  I have learned what to try to do or stay away from so i am not triggered constantly like I was for the first couple years.  But nothing has gotten easier about living with memories.  My brain has just gotten a little bit better at blocking the pain.  I've also gotten a bit better at distracting myself for longer periods during a day but normal is still breaking down once a day.  Some more nuclear than others.

The only thing I can say with conviction......I am tired and want out of here as soon as possible.  I am still hoping it will happen naturally and at my age and with the stress of the grief I know my immune system has been compromised but not enough yet.  Its baby steps.......all the time.......everyday......its the only way I get through a day.........morgan

Comment by Alice Thompson on April 19, 2018 at 1:27pm

Hello Virginia, I’m so sorry you are going through this hell. PTSD has been part of my grieving process too. I think that when we lose someone who is absolutely essential to us, our brains don’t have the ability to adjust to the changed reality, because everything has changed. Things that were nice are now torture, and things that were your worst nightmare now become what you crave. Perhaps I have had to accept there is now more than one reality that I live with. All I can say is that it helped, and still does, to do what I feel. Being very gentle with yourself and resting whenever you need to, and doing anything that allows you to zone out. For me it was playing the guitar, the same things, over and over, and watching a few films I was drawn to — again, over and over. Wishing you strength to carry you through this terrible shock, Alice 

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