October 2010 Blog Posts (27)

I wish...

Matt's parents picked up his ashes from the funeral home. He wanted to be cremated. They are paying for a small memorial at a cemetery nearby. I'm not sure if I'm ready to visit that spot when he's laid to rest there. I know it isn't him... he's in heaven. But those are his remains. His earthly tent.
I wish I had had more time. I wish I could take back all the fights. I wish I was able to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. I wish I had opted to see him before they placed…
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Added by Natasha L. on October 30, 2010 at 10:49am — 1 Comment

*sigh*

It's been a month since Matt died. So many things have changed. I sometimes feel as though I no longer have control over my life. That I'm just floating around trying to make sense of everything.
Trinity has really started to miss her daddy. She's having trouble concentrating in school and she has had more moments of crying or questioning "why". I am really looking forward to the grief support group for her on the 6th! I think it will help her learn to cope with her feelings and help her…
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Added by Natasha L. on October 28, 2010 at 5:16pm — 1 Comment

One Month Ago

Nanette died on September 26th, one month ago. As my daughter said, this has been the longest and the shortest month or our entire lifes. I can't begin to imagine the sadness she carries. Bailey loved her mom so much, but then we all loved each other so much. We never ended a conversation on the phone with out saying I love you. Let me ammend that to say we never end a conversation. And it was no different with her brother Alex.

If we were leaving to pick something up at the store, we…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 26, 2010 at 11:16pm — No Comments

Four Weeks Tonight

When you stop counting the minutes, hours, days and weeks that have passed, does that mean you are starting to heal? I'm still counting...

I work at dealing with this unbearable grief by talking, writing, going to therapy and my primary source of comfort, my faith in Jesus Christ.

Intellectually I feel normal, but emotionally and this may sound weird, but even physically I feel like I am missing half of me. I am confused, apathetic and some times angry.

The things I once…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 24, 2010 at 10:35pm — No Comments

Why Me?

It has been 17 days since my baby boy went to heaven. Where do I go from here? I have joined every online support group possible. I am currently reading 4 books to help me with the grieving process. I have gone through boxes of kleenex. I have received more than 15 bouquets of flowers and plants, over 30 sympathy cards and I still don't know where to go from here. Who said there is a standard grieving process? I have been called by several family members trying to console me, calls from…

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Added by Wendy Wright on October 20, 2010 at 3:24pm — 3 Comments

Here I am...

This is my first post on this site. I was up late a few nights ago crying (my usual habit these days), and discovered this site. I hope to gain some perspective on the grieving process from other members, especially those in the "I love my Dad" and "Losing Someone to Cancer" groups--but of course any support is wonderful. :)

I lost my Dad on June 3rd of this year to bile duct (pancreatic duct) cancer. We learned he had it in March, when he went to the hospital looking yellow. We suspected… Continue

Added by Annette on October 19, 2010 at 6:08pm — No Comments

3 Weeks

3 weeks ago tonight I lost my wife. Today has been so very difficult as I miss her so much yet it is still too painful to comprehend. I know I keep repeating that, but that is how I feel. I feel so lost without her after 23 years married but nearly 25 together.

How can anyone even begin to adjust when your best friend is gone in the blink of an eye.

It is almost midnight and I have to get up at 5 am to go to work after 3 weeks off trying to recover. Trying to recover? That is…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 17, 2010 at 11:48pm — 2 Comments

On this day again

Today is sunday October 17. On this day 1998 my beautiful12 year old son was killed in a burning car accident. It was a beautiful saturday morning. I went to work ata the cafe. My sons Ben and Del came to the cafe to have lunch with their 2 friends( they are twins). As usuall Del ws fooling around at the table and fell back on his chair and french fries went everywhere. I was cooking but I saw him and I told him to behave himself. That was the last thing I said to him. When I got home from work… Continue

Added by anne on October 17, 2010 at 8:02pm — 2 Comments

"I Can Only Imagine"

His memorial was on the 15th. There were over 200 people there to help celebrate his life. I saw all his high school friends, church friends, family members, even our tattooed biker group of friends. There were punk kids, preppy people, goths... We used to joke about how eclectic our group of friends was.
I tried so hard not to lose it. But when our family friend sang http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII , I started to sob. I…
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Added by Natasha L. on October 17, 2010 at 10:25am — No Comments

I am still stuck

Today would have been my dads 96th birthday. He died in 1978 and I have been without him for so long that it is normal. However I still remember the day even as I can't remember what his voice sounded like. My mom has been dead for 5 months now and I am so afraid I will forget the sound of her voice. I want to hanger on to it. I never tape recorded her stories like I told myself I would. I have three older brothers and a sister but its like we were never in the same family. For… Continue

Added by Deb Schaefer on October 16, 2010 at 9:47pm — No Comments

Still in Denial

I look at pictures and she is still as alive as she was at 9:30 pm Seprtember 26th. I know Nanette is gone, but when I see the photos and just going about normal day to day activities everything feels normal and I expect to see her when I get out of bed in the morning or when I sit outside on the patio I wait for her to come out and then the paralyzing grief hits that those things will never happen again.

My heart cannot accept it and I believe God is holding the reality back until I…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 16, 2010 at 7:44pm — 1 Comment

I dont know how to do this

This is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.I have lost a lot of people in my life but never have I felt like this or hurt this bad I miss my husband every day,I still count the days of how long he has been gone and sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day and cry.I do not want to do things by myself and now we have the holidays coming and they were our favorite time of the year.I always decorated the house and my daughter had to do it for me this year because I just did not… Continue

Added by sheila kerr on October 14, 2010 at 6:26pm — 2 Comments

Always There

Nanette,

You are always there, always the formost thoughts in my mind. The shock is starting to lessen, but now I the really difficult stage is setting in; missing you. You are the reason I did my best, the reason I went to work when I was too sick to be on two feet. I hate cleaning and am a pig, yet I always tried to pick up after myself and put anything away that I had taken out of it's place.

Now my clothes are all over the bedroom, I have piles of paper on every available…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 14, 2010 at 1:22pm — No Comments

Why did you leave me?

I have a lot of anger towards you mom. I wasn't ready for you to go. You had me by yourself and you made me promise you that I would never leave your side. I kept my promise but you did not. You didn't have to have that knee surgery. I told you to wait until your fully ready. But you refused to listen to me. That's why I wasn't there the day of your surgery.

Until they called me and told me you stopped breathing during surgery. I got that phone call when I walked into work. I…

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Added by Rachel Moss on October 13, 2010 at 6:15pm — No Comments

Reality

My mind still protects me from the intense grief, but it is unable to prevent the loneliness that is slowly seeping into my life. When I go to bed Nanette is not there, but I remain in the same spot as before. When I wake up during the night I find myself reaching over to see if she is there...

Still no hint as to what caused her death. But the memories of trying to save her still haunt my every waking moment. I just knew the EMT's could save her, I had no doubt, but they couldn't.…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 12, 2010 at 11:26pm — No Comments

Support

Tonight I went to a visitation for a woman who died from LHS at the age of 41. I did not know her but do know her step mom and dad, they are members of my church.

Hard to do. They even asked me if it was difficult to be there and of course I said yes, and I cannot stay long.

I'm still trying to accept the loss of my wife but every time I start to fully grasp it my brain shuts it out. It's like God is telling me "you are not ready to feel this intense pain". It leaves me…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 11, 2010 at 9:30pm — No Comments

I actually laughed!

So.. I really don't know how to feel happy. I walk around with a face all the time. Last night, I was joking around with my roommate we ended joking around and jumping around on her bed, while we were supposed to be making it. I ended up jumping on the bed so hard that I totally fell right off. Bam! hit the floor. I took her down with me and I guess, braced her fall.

I never laughed so hard in my life. On the floor rolling back and forth. I got up and still was gasping for air…

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Added by Rachel Moss on October 11, 2010 at 6:20pm — 1 Comment

Feeling Blessed

This morning I decided that it was a good idea for Trinity (my daughter) and I to walk to school. She was pretty skeptical. But by the time we reached her school the dreams of her daddy and her sadness had dissipated. She announced to me that we need to walk to school every day that I'm not working. I agreed with her and the deal has been made.
On the way home I spent some time in prayer. There are mornings where I wake up and the birds are singing and the sun shining and I think, "How can…
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Added by Natasha L. on October 11, 2010 at 11:28am — 1 Comment

Two Weeks Ago

Last night I felt almost normal for a while. This morning I was ok until church was almost over. I kept looking at my phone as I have every Sunday expecting to see a text or voice mail from Nanette asking me to stop at the store or run some other short errand on my way home from church.

I don't know if it was out of habit or because we actually need some things so I went to the store.

My goal was to pick up lawn bags but I forgot what I wanted before I arrived and never picked…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 10, 2010 at 6:20pm — No Comments

What do you do when the Love of Your Life Dies unexpectedly?

I fell in love with my wife at first sight in the summer of 1980. I asked a coworker who she was as I had not seen her at work since I started the previus March. He told me her name and that she had just returned from maternity leave. "She just had a baby?" I asked, followed by "she's married?" to which both questions were yes. I shut that door immediatly as she was off limits.

Two years later I was getting married to a woman I had been dating for 5 years as the love of my life was…

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Added by Jim Eginoire on October 9, 2010 at 11:54pm — No Comments

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